Ex wife won't do anything about our underage daughter smoking. (orphaned, teenagers)
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I kinda doubt this would be considered grounds for her to lose custody.
Given that the mother is funding a lifelong addiction that kills something like one-third of the people who have it, yeah, I think it could be grounds for loss of custody.
Look, I gotta say if your ex is buying your kid cigarettes, **** is falling apart in that house when it comes to things like boundaries and discipline. You could go for full custody because what's happening is illegal and harmful, but that's hard to do with teens.
Maybe call child services and make some trouble for your ex? I've watched two relatives die of cancers linked to smoking, and it was horrible. Not to mention how it bites into your finances. Supporting a child's cigarette habit is basically the biggest parenting fail I can think of short of physical abuse.
But besides that, with a mother that permissive at such a crucial stage, I fear for your daughter's future in general.
This is what I was going to say....
However,if your daughter suspects you are going for full custody over the cigarettes, she might fight you on it.
If she is cranky at your house you could offer to get her some patches.
Hard to say. The OP needs to talk to his lawyer to find out for sure.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
Given that the mother is funding a lifelong addiction that kills something like one-third of the people who have it, yeah, I think it could be grounds for loss of custody.
Yeah but that might be hard to prove that she herself is buying her cigarettes. And if it's a lengthy legal battle, it won't even matter because she'll turn 18 before a decision is reached.
-You have to report this to the courts. In some places, it is illegal to even smoke in a car with a child much less to purchase cigarettes for her.
-Push the cheerleading! Encourage her to try out. She may quit herself once she realizes that she cannot keep up with the workouts.
-Maybe take her to meet little kids with cancer. They did not get cancer from cigarettes so it is not a direct comparison. But she will see how these poor children are suffering for no reason. It may make her think twice about putting herself in a position to get something fatal by choice. See teens her age and cute toddlers may help her to realize that cancer is a real thing.
-We know that cancer increases risks of other things like heart disease, etc. Maybe point out an elderly relative or family friend that is sick because of smoking- even if they do not have cancer. Thinking about "Uncle Scott" may help.
-Or maybe point out 20somethings with yellow teeth, smelly hair and lines around their lips. I know teen/college guys who would never touch a girl who smokes. That may not be something that you want to discuss with your daughter but if she sees how it makes her less attractive, she may think hard about quitting.
Please do not blow this off. Cigarette smoking increases her risks of other behaviors (sex, drugs, drinking while driving) etc. Also, if she starts smoking now, she is high risk for cancer because she will have a high number of "pack years". Starting this young gives her time to mutate enough of her cells.
My ex wife is a chain smoker and actually buys smokes for our 15 year old daughter! We got divorced two years ago and I have her every other week. I first noticed when she would come over smelling like smoke but initially attributed it to just her being at her mothers but despite being smart enough to smoke outside she left some cigarette butts and I asked her. Come to find out she said she started by taking her mothers but my ex instead of not supporting it just ended up buying her packs.
I did talk to the ex about it and she just said "Well, she just started taking mine and I started smoking from my mother". Totally nonchalant about it. Granted she was a smoker when we initially married but only became a chain smoker later. Obviously I don't buy our daughter any cigarettes but I know she gets some from kids at school and well, her mother will continue buying her packs when she's home, otherwise our daughter gets really irritated when she doesn't have a smoke and at only 15 it's especially bad starting so early, not that there's a good time to start but it's already affected her in various ways. For example she wanted to try cheer leading but it's definitely not very doable as a smoker.
I feel like my hands are tied though. I've tried talking to my wife as I've sad more than once but to her it's not a big deal.
As a former smoker, I feel for the kid because I know it will affect the rest of her life, if she stays smoking. She can quit easily right now. Later, very hard to do.
Your wife probably feels guilty, since she can't set an example. She may figure who is she to insist the kid not smoke,when she does. She may buy the cigs for the kid because the kid will just smoke hers if she doesn't.
It's complicated. In some states, it could be considered child abuse to smoke in the home or to buy a minor cigarettes.
How I would handle it is to school the kid on the evils of smoking. I'd focus on the appearance and cosmetic factors, since kids the health aspects are hard for kids to fully grasp.
I'd impress on her the following (this worked on my younger sister, who I convinced not to smoke, even tho I smoked):
1. It'll turn your teeth yellow. Look at older people who have smoked for years...yuk.
2. It makes your breath bad.
3. It makes your clothes reek.
4. One day you'll meet a boy who doesn't smoke, and he won't ask you out because you smoke. You can't hide it, either. You'll reek of it. Nonsmokers can smell it easily.
5. It gives you wrinkles. Look at older women who smoke, and those who don't. A big difference in their skin.
6. Smoking also interferes with the body absorbing nutrients. All those vitamins and minerals in your food that will keep your skin young and glowing....smoking will interfere with that. ESPECIALLY vitamin C. Tell her to go look up what Vitamin C does to your body, as well as other vitamins...then think about all those good things not being done because the smoke interferes with that.
7. The money. Cigarettes are pricey. Give her examples of all that she could buy with that money, if she didn't waste it on an addictive substance.
If that doesn't do it (affecting her looks and affecting her ability to attract boys), then I don't know what will. But I think the best bet is to convince HER that she doesn't really want to.
I would also stress to her that smoking is addictive. Just to make sure she understands that there will come a time when she wants to quit, and won't be able to. So now is the time to decide not to smoke, while SHE is in control of it and not the other way around.
I would also STRONGLY suggest to the mother that she should not buy the cigarettes for the kid, so that the kid will at least feel the pain of having to buy them. That's important. If the girl wants to smoke, tell her she needs to get a job and buy them herself. Adults smoke, and adults pay for their own addictions.
But be understanding of what may be the mother's dilemma, that she is a smoker herself. The mother doesn't have to be perfect to insist that the daughter abide by rules. The daughter is a minor. If the mother were an alcoholic, would it be okay to buy the daughter alcohol?
Of course, between school and maybe an after school or weekend job, the daughter shouldn't have much time to smoke, anyway. Can she get a part time job?
Wow there is a lot of advice here that is absolutely going to put a huge strain on the relationship with the daughter, if not end it, and send the daughter running into her mothers arms never to return.
There is more at play then smoking. It is a huge boundary issue with the daughter and mother. And scare tactics, legal fights, calling cps, etc is going to make it so much worse. Then mother and daughter get to form an allegiance to defend their addiction and relationship.
It's a crap situation...but the op is Going to make it worse by making it WWIII
Time to show your daughter every horribly graphic photo of people who've been ravaged by smoking that you can get your hands on. Remember those movies from the 90's called Red Asphalt? They were shown in my high school to scare kids from driving drunk and they were GRAPHIC- I'll never forget the one part where a person was picking up the body of a dead teen girl and the girl's insides literally spilled out of her. That caused some puking in class that day. Perhaps your daughter will at least have the seed planted about how awful smoking is for her if she sees the true effects.
You also may want to talk to the school counselor's and get some advice/insight on what you can do to help your daughter. I would be LIVID if my teenager was smoking and honestly, there isn't anything I wouldn't do to get her to stop. My husband was a chain smoker for 16 years and quit cold turkey when I got pregnant 7 years ago. The quality of his life increased dramatically, not to mention mine and our children's lives, too.
Scare tactics won't work and it will just make the daughter angry and drive a wedge in the relationship between them. Nagging doesn't work either, nor does pleading or begging. The best thing the dad can do is not allow the daughter to smoke around him. (Source: a former teenage smoker who started at age 15). He can't control the daughter's actions around the ex. As with all bad habits and addictions, the daughter must choose to stop on her own. Ask anyone who has been addicted to a substance or even had a bad habit of something. Even if she wasn't getting cigs from Mom, she could easily get them from someone else. Sorry, OP. I know this wasn't the answer you were hoping for, but it's the truth. It took me 20 years to give them up.
Took me four tries before I was able to successfully quit a 55-year two-pack-a-day habit. I had my first cigarette at age 13. My friend and I smoked in the stairwell of her apartment building. We thought that chewing gum would hide the smoke smell from our parents. Wrong!
Eventually, the smoking became more frequent and Saturday night at the movies meant hanging out in the lounge with our buddies and teaching each other how to French inhale! Boy, we thought we looked so cool. Wrong!
When I first started smoking, cigarettes were 25 cents a pack. No hardship there. When I quit for the final time, I was paying almost $4.00 a pack.
Do whatever you can to convince her that it's not in her best interest to smoke. Leave her mother out of it. You'll never gain anything by badmouthing mama. Keep her busy. Help her to find a hobby that uses her hands - knitting, crocheting, jigsaw puzzles, model building. Take her skating - roller or ice. Help her train for 5 K runs; it's the season and there will be several every week-end. Walk through a department/grocery/discount store and see how many people she can pick out as smokers just by their smell. Point out that SHE smells like that after smoking.
Cheerleading requires good lungs. Cheerleaders get to hang out with athletes and most of them don't smoke because their sport requires good lungs. Non-smokers tend to flock together.
From personal experience, I can tell you that nagging doesn't work. Aversion therapy doesn't work. Finding something else to do can be a factor. The cost can be a factor. If she sees how much she'll be spending on cigarettes in one week and what she could buy with that money, it could be a motivator to quit - but mother needs to stop being her supplier.
Good luck, Dad. Don't give up trying to rescue your kid.
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