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I heard a great one liner from a therapist once (It was retold to me by the patient):
If you weren't related to this person, would you have them in your life?
Instant answer was: NO!
Time to cut the communication and move on with your life. It doesn't have to be dramatic but rather a slow withdrawal and suddenly you will be 5 yrs down the road and realize you are in a better place.
It’s just not that easy though. She’s at every family event, and if I say I’m not going unless she’s not there, then I’m the villain. She doesn’t take issue with me being at events because I’m her favorite punching bag!
why not see a psychiatrist and hear what he has to say?
I guess that’s a good idea. I’m just worried there’s literally nothing anyone can say or do. I’ve tried the grey rock method but it doesn’t work!
Suggestion: Take your sister to her favorite restaurant for lunch. After you order, tell her you love her, ask if You have offended her ? What can you do to have a good relationship.
If later, at gatherings, she says something that bothers you say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Also ask about her life, keep the focus on her. People, well most, enjoy telling about themselves, being the center of attention.
Wedding, know you're excited, though do Not talk about it in front of her; only to those who support you.
If you read the Torah Leviticus/Vayikra 19:17 " Do not hate your brother in your heart, but rebuke your neighbor frankly, so that you won't carry sin because of him. Don't take vengeance on or bear a grudge against any of your people; rather Love your neighbor as yourself; I am Adonai.
Continued prayers; Shalom !
Unfortunately we have done this so many times! No matter how much we talk things out or she cries or whatever, nothing changes! She just reverts back to the same behavior.
Plan the wedding that you would like to have and pay for it yourself. If that means that you have a beach wedding or get married in the backyard, so be it.
There is no way that I would allow someone who clearly does not LIKE ME to be in my wedding party. Do not give her the power to wreck your day like that. It is your wedding and you do not enjoy your sister's company nor do you communicate well with each other. You are not compatible. She is inconsiderate and highly critical of you. Maybe one day she'll change her ways but today she is not someone you can tolerate being around. It is what it is.
When you are planning and paying for everything, that means that your parents are just going to have to accept what your choices are. In the meantime, be as pleasant as you can be towards your sister but don't go out of your way to be around her. She sounds like a real pill.
The thing is my boyfriend’s family is pretty wealthy and all the young people from his community have BIG lavish weddings so I know he will want something similar. If it was just small and intimate I would like that better because I wouldn’t have to invite any cousins or people who would question my sister’s absence.
There's no way in hell I'd let that sister at my wedding or any other important function. Not even a casual BBQ in the backyard. Stop tolerating this. So what if you're the only person in the family who puts a stop to it. You'll have more backbone than they ever did. No need to shout, just quietly go no contact.
The parents should REQUIRE the sister to behave properly, but of course they won't. The dysfunction has gone on far too long. "Asking" her?? pfffffft. Like that'll work.
I would tell this sister if she doesn't behave properly at the wedding, she's not welcome. If she attends and causes any kind of scene at all, call the cops. I'm serious. There should be zero tolerance. Do you ever read reddit? Tons of accounts of just that kind of thing happening. Do you not realize that your sister might, even probably, intend to ruin your wedding day?
How does this woman earn money? Get along with co-workers? She sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't want her in my life, period. No contact. You'll have enough to deal with, adjusting to a kosher home if you didn't grow up that way. You will be marrying a family, and a culture, and a religion, not just a man.
You'll have enough on your plate without starting off negatively with a sister who literally could ruin the entire day for you.
Man I know she might do something awful or say something to make me cry. I’m really just dreading that. She made me cry on my college graduation day and was super rude and mean to me, always glaring at me. And I had asked her not to come! I wish she didn’t come because she really stained a memory that would have been very nice! She ruins everything!
Man I know she might do something awful or say something to make me cry. I’m really just dreading that. She made me cry on my college graduation day and was super rude and mean to me, always glaring at me. And I had asked her not to come! I wish she didn’t come because she really stained a memory that would have been very nice! She ruins everything!
Not really. Your reaction to her ruins everything.
You need to focus on what you can control. You can control how much you let her comments bother you.
Not really. Your reaction to her ruins everything.
You need to focus on what you can control. You can control how much you let her comments bother you.
Regardless of whether I react I still feel anxious. And the thing is if I don’t react she just keeps going with more and more comments until I finally leave the room or cry.
I guess that’s a good idea. I’m just worried there’s literally nothing anyone can say or do. I’ve tried the grey rock method but it doesn’t work!
A therapist can help by teaching YOU techniques that disable her jibes more effectively. You aren't trying to fix her, you're learning how to withstand her better. Sounds as if your self-confidence needs bolstering. That's work you need to take on, not her. When you convince yourself you don't need to go through life being victimized, that will help a lot. All you can do is keep at it. It is either that or forego these family events.
The thing is my boyfriend’s family is pretty wealthy and all the young people from his community have BIG lavish weddings so I know he will want something similar. If it was just small and intimate I would like that better because I wouldn’t have to invite any cousins or people who would question my sister’s absence.
You need to learn how to stand up for yourself more. Why are you assuming someone else gets to call the shots during your life? The details and circumstances might differ, but once again you're letting others push you into something you don't really want. If you don't want to invite your sister to your own wedding that's your call and your business, not some cousin's.
Regardless of whether I react I still feel anxious. And the thing is if I don’t react she just keeps going with more and more comments until I finally leave the room or cry.
And she knows this! Nothing here is going to change until YOU do!
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It doesn't have to be dramatic but rather a slow withdrawal and suddenly you will be 5 yrs down the road and realize you are in a better place.
