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I'll bet you are the scapegoat (<link) of the family. Your parents are allowing her to behave this way because they have part in it. You probably don't even notice it. Scapegoating a child is something the whole family does together against one member and neither you or they are even aware of it because it is so ingrained.
Click the link in my first sentence and you will discover some interesting dynamics of a dysfunctional family.
Perhaps you are a hypersensitive individual in which case you are hurt easily. That's why you are picked on. Work on finding a way not to take her comments personally. In fact try smiling through it. In a bland tone: "Yes, sister, whatever you say. Blah, blah ,blah". You will take away her fun.
....... I feel like the only advice is to just kick her out of my life and I think eventually things will work out that way, we will see each other extremely rarely, but we already only see each other like twice a year. God I just don't know what to do anymore!!
Only twice a year, hmmm? If you see each other only twice a year I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Don't do anything. Forget about her and pretend she doesn't exist. It sounds to me like you are dwelling on past events from when you were growing up if you so rarely encounter each other now.
Honestly, I'm just not seeing what the problem is now if you already only see each other twice a year. That is so minor. But you know she isn't ever going to stop needling you so the other two times a year that you would ordinarily expect to see her, when you know she will be there, just don't go there, don't be there. And if you absolutely must be there then ignore her and don't speak to her. Pretend she is invisible. What is so hard about that?
If you want to get married there is no law that says ANY family members must be participants of the bridal party. So you have two choices - you can decide to NOT invite your sister to the wedding at all, or you can invite her as a guest to the wedding (to please your family, not to please your sister) but don't ask her to be a member of the bridal party. It's your wedding, you get to do what YOU want and you are not obligated to have a hated enemy there. Don't be a drama queen about it, just do what you want to do without taking her into consideration. Remember - you are no longer required to take her into consideration.
If you want to get married there is no law that says ANY family members must be participants of the bridal party. So you have two choices - you can decide to NOT invite your sister to the wedding at all, or you can invite her as a guest to the wedding (to please your family, not to please your sister) but don't ask her to be a member of the bridal party. It's your wedding, you get to do what YOU want and you are not obligated to have a hated enemy there. Don't be a drama queen about it, just do what you want to do without taking her into consideration. Remember - you are no longer required to take her into consideration.
Good advice. All true.
I would go with a slim down wedding - just one best friend as a bridesmaid. Keep it small. If you have more than one bridesmaid, your family will be upset that your sister isn't involved. Frankly, with the cost of wedding, the smaller the wedding, the better. It's one day when all that money could be spent on a downpayment for a house.
My husband's sister is very similar to your sister. After our wedding, we cut her out of our life. It's been 30 peaceful years without her. My question to you (and to my MIL) is why does the family tolerate her? You need to talk with your parents and ask them. "Mom, Dad - what gives with her?" and "Why haven't you stepped in?." The issue is bigger than your sister, it's how your whole family could allow this to go on.
The bigger problem to me is your boyfriend's family seems to be more religious than our family. Will this create problems? Can you adjust to a kosher home?
Because that just flames the fire and she doesn’t stop anyways! Plus then everyone just gets upset. She then pins it all on me. Plus I’m a more shy and sensitive type so it’s just not my thing.
My sister was like this. You will not win. I think the doctor in the video is excellent , dr. Ramani, and it will illuminate and possibly help you understand what you need to do.
I tried to fight back, doesn’t work. I tried to ignore, it doesn’t work. The problem is your parents are enabling her behaviour by not asking her to zip it. my mother didn’t want to accept my sister was an emotionally abusive bully because that meant she had to do something or say something and she didn’t want the bother. It got to the point when after warning my sister for a year if she keeps calling me scum or being nasty I would cut her off. I cut her off.
Here is my advice for what it’s worth. When she interjects ignore and carry on talking to your parents. Start doing the grey rock method with her and when she says something sarcastic just put a stone face on and keep doing what you need to do.
As for the wedding stop worrying what others think if you don't involve your sister, she can be a guest. Try to be dIscreet about your planning and not discuss it in front of your sister with your parents. You can’t ask your mother not to discuss the plans if your sister asks but you certainly don’t have to. If your sister asks your plans just say ‘ they are going along fine” and then change the subject or remove yourself from her presence.
Hi there:
I'm so sorry you have experienced a problem sibling. People will give you advice about the wedding and they're well-meaning, but this requires more than that.
You made an important decision in reaching out for help with an issue that will impact far more than your wedding plans--if not addressed now, it will be an ongoing source of pain, conflict and emotional trauma for you, your marriage and potential children. It stops now.
Your sister sounds personality disordered and you need to protect yourself--your parents have not assisted you. Instead, they encourage you to accept abuse while she continues her bullying without any consequences.
Please watch this video. It is invaluable. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHeM0jJiB3U&t=12s
The clinical psychologist in the video specializes in narcissistic abuse and is excellent. Learning about what you have experienced is a good first step.
Secondly, find a good therapist who has experience with personality disorders and begin to both heal the damage this has done and learn ways to manage the future of your family.
I wish you the very best.
I have a sister just like that and I listen to this lady a lot.^^^^
I have quit speaking to my sister now for almost 4 yrs.
They never apologize and they'll always try to sabotage your good time.
I would go with a slim down wedding - just one best friend as a bridesmaid. Keep it small. If you have more than one bridesmaid, your family will be upset that your sister isn't involved. Frankly, with the cost of wedding, the smaller the wedding, the better. It's one day when all that money could be spent on a downpayment for a house.
I agree with the above. With the country now going into a recession that could get much worse and last a few years with everyone's daily expenses going up and up, I doubt many people can be indulging themselves in sparing the money for big weddings when the money could be put to much better use for more practical things. A small wedding with just one best friend as bridesmaid is the best advice and it will help to alleviate other anxieties about more important things than sibling rivalries.
It doesn't have to make sense to you.... it probably makes sense to her in her mind. When siblings harbor resentments, sometimes they can last for years and years. Maybe she feels she got the short end of the stick. Maybe she feels jealous of the attention you got from your father when you were younger and in sports. There are many reasons why someone can be jealous of a sibling. Some people, instead of growing beyond it, they take the more difficult/painful road of clinging to their old resentments. They not only hurt themselves, but they hurt those they love, as well.
You say you don't want to reduce your relationship down to just jealousy. You're not. But can you say the same for your sister? She seems to be the one doing so, based on what you've said. And that's her choice. It's also your choice how you want to deal with it. Good luck with your situation. I hope your relationship with your sister improves. I hope that she is able to find happiness and value in herself.
peace.
The most frustrating thing is that we have had several intervention like things where we talk it out or whatever but NOTHING CHANGES. I have agreed to move on from all the awful **** she did to me when we were kids, but it doesn't matter because she still treats me like scum! I even took an expensive flight to LA to meet up with her and vacation for a bit, and while we had some fun, when I saw her again a few months later nothing changed! I have no grudges against her anymore. I only react to her behavior in the moment and it's always awful.
I have a narcissistic brother and unfortunately, my other brother and I had to cut him out of our lives. He has said and done some of the most caustic, spiteful, and quite frankly malignant things I’ve ever experienced. He routinely treats my parents and other family members who still talk to him like crap.
At some point, you need to ask yourself if the relationship is worth the turmoil and pain that comes with it and if you really deserve to be subjecting yourself to that type of toxicity.
Ugh the difficult thing is that while my brother does indeed get annoyed with her, she has always been way way way nicer to him than to me. So he doesn't really have any specific gripes with her other than that she causes issues all the time and is bitchy. He's very much caught in the middle and I feel bad about that but what can I do? I sometimes do wish he would recognize that she's a bully towards me and would either defend me or call her out, but I know he won't. At the same time though, my brother and I are closer in age and always had a closer friendship than she did with him. I actually think that might be another source of jealousy.
My sister was like this. You will not win. I think the doctor in the video is excellent , dr. Ramani, and it will illuminate and possibly help you understand what you need to do.
I tried to fight back, doesn’t work. I tried to ignore, it doesn’t work. The problem is your parents are enabling her behaviour by not asking her to zip it. my mother didn’t want to accept my sister was an emotionally abusive bully because that meant she had to do something or say something and she didn’t want the bother. It got to the point when after warning my sister for a year if she keeps calling me scum or being nasty I would cut her off. I cut her off.
Here is my advice for what it’s worth. When she interjects ignore and carry on talking to your parents. Start doing the grey rock method with her and when she says something sarcastic just put a stone face on and keep doing what you need to do.
As for the wedding stop worrying what others think if you don't involve your sister, she can be a guest. Try to be dIscreet about your planning and not discuss it in front of your sister with your parents. You can’t ask your mother not to discuss the plans if your sister asks but you certainly don’t have to. If your sister asks your plans just say ‘ they are going along fine” and then change the subject or remove yourself from her presence.
Grey rock method doesn't work because she'll just call me out for ignoring her and then my mom will also get mad and call me rude for ignoring her!
What are your sister's relationships like with others? Does she have any relationships? You mentioned that she was able to make friends until high school age. That is the age when more serious mental illnesses can appear. Plus you said she gets defensive when she is criticized. Paranoid? I may be really off base here and I hope that I am. But she seems like a narcissist on steroids to me which raises a red flag....
Best of luck to you OP. It's really rough for you, your sister and your parents. Hope that you can find some help.
I think she's a decent candidate for NPD but I also think she has other emotional issues. I do know she goes to therapy, and has for a while, which is just kind of hilarious to me because nothing changes. My guess is she tells her therapist how awful I am and that I'm so evil and annoying. She always gaslights me, like she'll do all these awful things until she gets a reaction out of me, and then she turns my reaction into the truly evil thing that ruins the entire night. It's so awful and manipulative. So I'm sure she just lies to her therapist and makes herself out to be an angel.
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