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You might find that many biological children of parents who lost another biological child also have a similar experience. You can have this dynamic where it's not possible for normal human beings to live up to the dead child, who is perfect in memory.
That was the situation in my mother's family. My grandparents, who were very old, had a boy and a girl in the 1920s. The daughter (my aunt who I never met) became ill with appendicitis, and died of peritonitis when she was 6.
My grandmother was apparently devastated. Five years later, she gave birth to another girl, my mother, and two years later, to my aunt.
My grandmother always compared my mother unfavorably to the daughter she lost, because they looked nothing alike. She was a nice grandmother, but sadly, I don't think tat she showed much warmth or affection for my mom.
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exceptions.
Opinions?
I disagree as I know of an exception. But you did say there are exceptions. I can't say what is generally or overwhelmingly true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by anjcohen
OP here: Sorry but I have spoken to a number of adoptees and there is an underlying feeling among us that it is the case.
Just because an adopted child feels as if they weren't loved the same, doesn't make it true.
As you are very aware, the child experiences trauma because of the separation. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways, including that feeling that they aren't as loved or as valued by their adoptive parents. But ... that can happen even if they were truly and deeply valued. You can talk about your perceptions and those of other adoptees. But you can't assume those feeling have a basis in reality. They might and they might not.
our experience boils down to this: the adopted child is the parents' choice.
We chose to adopt, but we did not choose our child. We were matched with one child and we agreed to the match. There was never a list or a catalog of choices presented to us. That would have been really weird.
Speak as an adoptee and for several others in my time.
An adoptee will always feel different than his family members. There are physical and characteristic differences.
Totally agree. But I will point out that this is still not a true reflection of the kind of love the adoptive parents have for the child.
Quote:
I would estimate 90% of adoptees want to find their biological parents. I consider this instinctive. Many adoptive parents have in one way or the other makes the adopted child feel guilty for expressing these feelings (if they have the courage to do so) because the parents will directly and or indirectly shame them for having such an interest. Its a betrayal to the adoptive parents. In my case, I was not permitted ever to mention adoption to my father. My mother discouraged it by saying, "why would you want to do that." "We don't know what ever happened to them," "The records are sealed." etc, etc.
I found my biological families in my late 30's and then my late 50's. My adopted mother in her 70's at the time when I informed her I found my maternal bio-brother (bio-mother died), "Why do you want to talk to him!!!??"
This explains a great deal. It implies that you were adopted 50 years ago. I believe that today's perceptions of adopted children and their particular needs are very different than they were 50 or 60 years ago. Back then it was typical to suppress an adopted child's desire to know his or her personal history and where they really came from. Today we have a better understanding of how harmful that is. I can't say if all adoptive parents have caught on, but the increased awareness is there. You have talked to other adoptees about this, but have you talked to adoptees who are still in their 20s? Or younger? I wonder if this has improved through the years as adoptive parents found better ways to raise their children.
I will also say this: loving your children the same doesn't mean you treat your children the same. Each child is unique (that includes bio children, too). And each child can require different parenting styles and different approaches. It doesn't mean a parent loves them any differently.
We chose to adopt, but we did not choose our child. We were matched with one child and we agreed to the match. There was never a list or a catalog of choices presented to us. That would have been really weird.
I have two adopted siblings and my parents literally looked through a binder of profiles and chose which kids they were interested in adopting. I remember watching over their shoulders. I imagine it's not done that way these days, lol. Not the nicest implications.
I have two adopted siblings and my parents literally looked through a binder of profiles and chose which kids they were interested in adopting. I remember watching over their shoulders. I imagine it's not done that way these days, lol. Not the nicest implications.
With newborns, it's the opposite. The birth mother looks through profiles and chooses a family for her baby. With older kids, though, how else would it work? If someone wants to adopt an older child, should the social workers choose one for them? Should the four-year-old choose his or her parents? Neither of those sounds like a great option, either.
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exeptions.
With that at hand, I also believe the adopted child will always feel / carry that throughout life. Heck, maybe part of the reason is we (adoptees) weren't breast fed too! (<:
Opinions?
Your experience is just that - your experience. It is certainly valid for you, but absurd to project that onto others, especially a “vast majority.”
When you reference a “vast majority” of adoptions, are you referring to:
How do you (and many others) arrive at your conclusions? How many adoptee situations have you truly studied? How do you define and qualify “unconditional love” to determine who has that emotion for whom? Why do you consider your assumption a valid fact? Why do you apply that assumption differently for fathers and mothers? What is your basis of comparison for treatment of adopted children vs biological children in the same household, and how do you rule out other factors (personality, intelligence, sex, etc.)?
All rhetorical.
As someone else posted, your premise is absurd. It is also insulting. You have no factual basis to project your opinion beyond your own personal situation.
I believe that today's perceptions of adopted children and their particular needs are very different than they were 50 or 60 years ago. Back then it was typical to suppress an adopted child's desire to know his or her personal history and where they really came from.
I’m not so sure perceptions have changed so much. I am amazed at comments I hear from people and how adoption is characterized in the media. Sure, international/inter-racial adoption (and adoption in general) is not as stigmatized, but people perceptions of the parent/child relationship seems much the same.... “real” children vs adopted children.
Not that long ago, I would have agreed with the suppression comment, but now I’m not so sure. When going after my non-identifying information I managed to receive reams of information regarding my own adoption process. Pages and pages of notes from the agency, including all the discussions and interviews with my parents. It gave me some interesting insights into the adoption process. This was over 50 years ago and I was surprised to learn how much encouragement there was to be open.
Of course, this all happened under the knowledge that my records would be sealed and finding the woman who gave birth to me would be close to impossible. It was still noted that I should not be discouraged from ever trying. My situation may have been unique, but the documents suggested that this was the agency’s usual operating procedure.
........ Today we have a better understanding of how harmful that is........
If this is true, then why is it still impossible for adoptees to learn their true identity? Very few states will open up a birth certificate or provide any information about parentage or family background.
Taking away a person's identity has to be the very worst violation of a persons rights, yet it is still very acceptable to society.
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A read.......
