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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist
I think it's almost easier to love adopted children than biological children unconditionally. Biological children are a reflection of one's own genetics - I think I have more expectations of them. It seems easier to just unconditionally love children who have come into my life who are not my biological children, just as human beings, not as a reflection upon my own parenting and genetics.
Really? Unconditionally? I certainly volunteer with a lot of kids, and I love love love them, how cute are they??
To me, unconditional love means they're welcome in your home, forever, and you will work to help them out if they need it.
I don't think you're talking about adopted children - but kids you encounter along life's path? There is not the first chance I love them unconditionally.
Children are better off being adopted by people who simply want to be parents. Not people who want to "rescue" or fulfill a duty to their Christian faith. And there is nothing wrong with Christians who want to adopt per se, but the Christian adoption movement is deeply flawed. And some of these big Christian families with ten, fifteen or more adopted children, are basically orphanages anyway since a big family like that is putting the child back into the orphanage environment from which he came. So it defeats their purpose of trying to "rescue" the child from an orphanage. It's very hard for a child in a family of ten kids to get the individual attention that he/she needs especially if they come from difficult circumstances already. I am familiar with some of these families. One I know of that has fifteen children, a mix of foster and adopted kids; even with both parents working from home, it's very hard to give each of these children what they need. And now they are looking for donated embryos to add to their family of 15 kids. It is deeply concerning. Also, some of these types of parents will seek attention from the media for their large, blended families.
I know a lot of Christian people who have adopted, at least seven couples that come to mind immediately, but no families like this. I agree that 10+ adopted kids sounds like a poor idea, but it is certainly not the norm around here and "the Christian adoption movement is deeply flawed" sounds like a blanket statement that is not fully justified.
No one I know has more than two adopted children (and several also have 1-3 bio children). I also know a couple with no children who wanted to adopt a sibling set of three, but their house was not large enough to be approved by social services for three children.
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exeptions.
With that at hand, I also believe the adopted child will always feel / carry that throughout life. Heck, maybe part of the reason is we (adoptees) weren't breast fed too! (<:
Opinions?
I half agree with you. I was adopted by my stepfather at age 5. He turned out to be a jerk and treated me terribly. I have carried that with me throughout my life. He's dead now and when he died, I wasn't even mentioned in his obituary..fine by me though.
My husband and I adopted a baby and we love him as much as we could love any of our birth children. I feel no different towards him than I do with my bio children.
With the disclaimer that people vary and each set of parents can be a lot different in their reaction to things, OP makes some very valid points.
I notice that whenever this sort of thread comes up, it is always the adopting mother who rushes in to affirm that they love their adopted child. Not that any of them would ever admit in public that it is not true.
If an adoptee ever says anything about how they feel, they are shouted down, their feelings invalidated. Told that they don't know what they are talking about.
Also, and not mentioned by OP, even if the adopting mother is loving, there is often different treatment by relatives and that treatment is often designed to let the adopted child know that he isn't a "real" family member.
My own cousin, who will tell you that she is the most loving of mothers, has said many times that she wished she could send the child back. Not to the child's face, of course, but children sense that sort of thing and it makes adoptees insecure about their place in the family because their place is conditional.
........I didn't birth my dog or my grandchild, and I am more bonded to them than anyone.
And yet, hundreds of thousands of families give their dogs away without a twinge of regret. The bond to a dog is not the same as the bond to a natural born child. That is a bit of an odd comparison to make.
And yet, hundreds of thousands of families give their dogs away without a twinge of regret. The bond to a dog is not the same as the bond to a natural born child. That is a bit of an odd comparison to make.
Agree, I find it an odd comparison. I also don't like the dog or cat comparison comes up in the adoption issue. It just seems all wrong to compare an adopted child to a pet. That's often the problem with certain people who adopt because they see it as "rescue".
I know a lot of Christian people who have adopted, at least seven couples that come to mind immediately, but no families like this. I agree that 10+ adopted kids sounds like a poor idea, but it is certainly not the norm around here and "the Christian adoption movement is deeply flawed" sounds like a blanket statement that is not fully justified.
No one I know has more than two adopted children (and several also have 1-3 bio children). I also know a couple with no children who wanted to adopt a sibling set of three, but their house was not large enough to be approved by social services for three children.
this article covers what I've seen and witnessed personally regarding the Christian adoption movement:
I half agree with you. I was adopted by my stepfather at age 5. He turned out to be a jerk and treated me terribly. I have carried that with me throughout my life. He's dead now and when he died, I wasn't even mentioned in his obituary..fine by me though.
My husband and I adopted a baby and we love him as much as we could love any of our birth children. I feel no different towards him than I do with my bio children.
First, I am saddened that this happened to you. I am sure it was your step-father's loss to not accept you as his daughter.
In the past, when a man married a woman with a child from a previous marriage, it was almost customary to adopt the child when no father was in the picture, either by death or desertion, in order to make the family "fit in", adoption was often the solution. Conformity was of paramount importance then. Divorce was still thought of as a sort of scandal, with almost as great a stigma as having a child out of wedlock.
People went to great lengths to hide anything in their family that set them apart from others. One of the first things that was done was to have the child from another relationship adopted by the step parent, so that all of the children in the family could have the same last name. This was important to people in the post-WWII period of family conformity.
In the 60s and 70s, there were a spate of movies and TV shows that glorified "blended families" However, in each, adoption by the father and the assumption of his last name, was an important part of "becoming a family".
Some examples are "Yours, Mine and Ours", "With Six You Get Eggroll" and of course, the "Brady Bunch".
I argue that "step parent adoption" is very, very different from two people with a desire to nurture, love, and raise a child together, as you did, tarragon.
Children are better off being adopted by people who simply want to be parents. Not people who want to "rescue" or fulfill a duty to their Christian faith. And there is nothing wrong with Christians who want to adopt per se, but the Christian adoption movement is deeply flawed. And some of these big Christian families with ten, fifteen or more adopted children, are basically orphanages anyway since a big family like that is putting the child back into the orphanage environment from which he came. So it defeats their purpose of trying to "rescue" the child from an orphanage. It's very hard for a child in a family of ten kids to get the individual attention that he/she needs especially if they come from difficult circumstances already. I am familiar with some of these families. One I know of that has fifteen children, a mix of foster and adopted kids; even with both parents working from home, it's very hard to give each of these children what they need. And now they are looking for donated embryos to add to their family of 15 kids. It is deeply concerning. Also, some of these types of parents will seek attention from the media for their large, blended families.
II know "families" like that also. I worked in international adoption during it's hey day. I personally tried to nix two adoptions in particular that involved overly religious and inflexible families with DOUBLE DIGIT children.
They - the agency and the Ukraine contact would not listen. They passed their home studies and that was good enough for them.
But, it was NOT good enough for the kids.
One adopted child, now a young adult, was kicked out of a family I warned them about. He shared a room with 6 other boys. This sounds more like a group home than a family.
These sleaze bags were also drawing social security checks on all kids. And they through this one out before he finished HS?
Fortunately, we had a spare room and we offered it to him. He was able to finish HS here, and I helped him to choose a college.
OP here: Sorry but I have spoken to a number of adoptees and there is an underlying feeling among us that it is the case. In my case, my parents had 2 children that died at ages 4 and 5.
I was adopted along with a sister and brother (different families) afterward. It is my opinion that mother that had / have biological children do deep inside feel different - i.e. unconditional love for a biological child. Exception would be if adoptive mother never gave birth to her own.
You might find that many biological children of parents who lost another biological child also have a similar experience. You can have this dynamic where it's not possible for normal human beings to live up to the dead child, who is perfect in memory.
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