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Re: The above dialogue between Bus Man and No Kudzu.
As an adoptive mother of two older kids of parents with criminal backgrounds and mental health issues, I think that with all the controversy/discussion of nature vs. nurture -- and the fact that scientists are becoming more and more convinced that a lot of behavior is genetically determined -- I think it is only natural for people to look for the behavior of biological parents to be replicated in their children.
So, that being said, I can understand the feelings of "I wish I had never met them". I think it would be harder for adoptive parents to view their children with open minds if they knew the biological parents were very damaged, if that is indeed the case. (Of course, many parents who give their babies up for adoption are just "fine" and good people who found themselves in unfortunate circumstances.)
And although I agree that it is wrong to hide or ignore the existence of biological parents, I can't help but think that being presented with a LOT of "bad" about these parents might actually be doing the children a disservice because not only could that lead to possible prejudice (i.e., actually looking for possible problems) by the adoptive parents, but I think it is true that children do tend to identify with their biological parents more than their adoptive ones IF they were adopted as older children (meaning they were not babies or very young toddlers).
It would also be tempting, I think, for the adoptive parent to say, in a fit of pique or anger at a child's misbehavior, "You are just like _____ [bio parent]!" -- and that would be very damaging, I think.
Re: The above dialogue between Bus Man and No Kudzu.
As an adoptive mother of two older kids of parents with criminal backgrounds and mental health issues, I think that with all the controversy/discussion of nature vs. nurture -- and the fact that scientists are becoming more and more convinced that a lot of behavior is genetically determined -- I think it is only natural for people to look for the behavior of biological parents to be replicated in their children.
So, that being said, I can understand the feelings of "I wish I had never met them". I think it would be harder for adoptive parents to view their children with open minds if they knew the biological parents were very damaged, if that is indeed the case. (Of course, many parents who give their babies up for adoption are just "fine" and good people who found themselves in unfortunate circumstances.)
And although I agree that it is wrong to hide or ignore the existence of biological parents, I can't help but think that being presented with a LOT of "bad" about these parents might actually be doing the children a disservice because not only could that lead to possible prejudice (i.e., actually looking for possible problems) by the adoptive parents, but I think it is true that children do tend to identify with their biological parents more than their adoptive ones IF they were adopted as older children (meaning they were not babies or very young toddlers).
It would also be tempting, I think, for the adoptive parent to say, in a fit of pique or anger at a child's misbehavior, "You are just like _____ [bio parent]!" -- and that would be very damaging, I think.
If I were interested in adopting an infant at birth, I would not want to meet a birth mother or birth parents. I would however want to have as much info on them as possible (names, address, location, health history etc), so that if my child ever wanted to meet them or find them I could point them in the right direction.
I think its a difficult enough situation to give up a child without having to navigate the social interaction with the people who will be raising it. Yikes. And if I were the adoptive parent, I would not want my interaction with the birth parent to positively or negatively bias me with my child. Clean slate is best in my opinion.
A couple who are possible candidates for adopting my friends unborn child have asked to meet her, shes really confused as she does not know how she would feel about meeting them.
Has anyone ever done this before or had the oppertunity and not met them?
I know there are pros and cons on each side but I dont want to regret what ever decision I make so any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks xx
It's never wise for mothers to visit potential adopters/strangers for their unborn children. (This is what agencies promote because it makes it hard for mothers to change their mind.) They must wait for the birth and then decide for adoption. This is the correct order of letting one's child go, not while in utero. Intuitively, she may know this, especially if she is trying to figure out a way to remain a parent and not drag some other couple in her world. At the seven-year mark is when mothers regret adoption, so on the basis of this, it'd be better for her to meet these strangers to help her and her child through their separation. Also, I'm presuming this is a first pregnancy btw for which pregnancy is usually abstract for many expectant mothers when they do not have support. One more thing, when we call an expectant mother, a birth mother before documents are signed, this is a form of covert coercion - do not do this.
It's never wise for mothers to visit potential adopters/strangers for their unborn children. (This is what agencies promote because it makes it hard for mothers to change their mind.) They must wait for the birth and then decide for adoption. This is the correct order of letting one's child go, not while in utero. Intuitively, she may know this, especially if she is trying to figure out a way to remain a parent and not drag some other couple in her world. At the seven-year mark is when mothers regret adoption, so on the basis of this, it'd be better for her to meet these strangers to help her and her child through their separation. Also, I'm presuming this is a first pregnancy btw for which pregnancy is usually abstract for many expectant mothers when they do not have support. One more thing, when we call an expectant mother, a birth mother before documents are signed, this is a form of covert coercion - do not do this.
I don't know what mother you've spken to but where did you get 7 years? Maybe you need to read a few adoption blogs. My friends lived a nightmare over choosing aadoption. I should say being talked into it
I don't know what mother you've spken to but where did you get 7 years? Maybe you need to read a few adoption blogs. My friends lived a nightmare over choosing aadoption. I should say being talked into it
I genuinely have heartfelt condolences for your friend and her child that their family was unnecessarily separated. The seven year mark is not when the regret finally kicks in, it's when the regret is horrific and the magnitude is really felt - this is based from talking to other mothers and from blogs (not the blogs sponsored by people that profit by adoption that always come up first in a google search).
I genuinely have heartfelt condolences for your friend and her child that their family was unnecessarily separated. The seven year mark is not when the regret finally kicks in, it's when the regret is horrific and the magnitude is really felt - this is based from talking to other mothers and from blogs (not the blogs sponsored by people that profit by adoption that always come up first in a google search).
Your real life knowledge is so refreshing and eye opening hopefully to people who only know the rhetoric of the adoption businesses.
I wanted to mention also the adoptee has milestones where they grieve more heavily--without fail come summer she is on my mind , thinking of how she may have felt as the time got near and then my birth and relinquishing. When my own dd was born I also thought of her and sad she wasn't there.
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