Compare yourself to your parents - same age you are now (emotionally, spouses)

[saibot]

I will be 55 this month. When my mother was 55, I was 12 and my teenage sister and brother were also still living at home. There were 8 grandchildren from my three older married siblings, and another sister (age 21) got married that year.

I have just three kids; the youngest is 19, the older two away at university. I'm also just as glad to be (almost) done with teenagers and not facing 7 more years of that stage. Teens can be wonderful, but enough is enough!

Dad was 57 and working full-time. My parents would have liked to have more time to travel and visit their adult kids and grandkids, but with more kids still at home and all their debts (Dad was a spender and self-employed; his income was variable), they couldn't afford that. Financially we are in much better shape than they ever were because we make more to begin with, and are frugal.

I feel like I look younger than my mom...I suppose it is because styles change. Mom started getting her hair done in a beehive in the 1960s and never stopped; once a week she went to the salon and had it washed and set. And she wore mostly housedresses at home, and shoes with heels that eventually ruined her feet. Dad wore a suit, every day. That kind of formality seems very strange to me now. I mostly wear shorts and jeans. And I am much, much more physically active than they ever were.

Mom developed Lewy Body Dementia in her mid-60s and died at 74, completely incapacitated. Dad lived in in amazingly good health to the age of 94, when he died of pneumonia.

[Travelassie]

I've outlived my father, he died of end stage emphysema and related comorbidities a couple months before he turned 76. I am 76. He was also a long time heavy smoker, alcoholic and I have never smoked and don't drink. I saw the ravages that alcoholism brought to our family life as a child, what it did to my dad, and determined ( as did my siblings) never to let this happen to us, and our loved ones. I'm much healthier ( with some comorbidities that are under control) than my dad was.

My mother lived to age 93, died of pancreatic cancer less than one month after her diagnosis. She was of the generations of women who were raised to believe that their jobs were to stay home and raise children and to be taken care of by a husband, on whom they were dependent on for everything, lifelong I think. She made it pretty obvious when we were kids that she didn't relish being tied down with all these kids, that she believed she was destined for better things and we had ruined it for her. She made some strides at independence when she enrolled in LPN school to gain some employment skills that would enable her to leave my dad, this when my two younger siblings were still in high school and my other sister and I had left home. It didn't seem she was able to maintain that independence as she married again ( to an SOB who wasn't an alcoholic but lousy to his core with no moral compass but he wasn't my dad) and divorced a second time after 11 years of marriage. She spent her 40's up to the end playing at independence but making a series of bad choices, chasing new adventures and expected one of us kids ( usually me) to come to her rescue in any way she needed. Then she'd be ok again ( but never really satisfied or content with anything), she'd stir up dissension among the family members she was parked with, and then she was off again, to whatever it was met her current criteria for Utopia. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When she was the age I am now, she had more or less turned on her sister who'd let mom live in the other half of the duplex she ( my aunt) owned- my aunt had developed Alzheimer's disease and was going downhill with it. Mom couldn't handle that, had no empathy for anyone,
so she talked my sister in PA into letting her move into a house near my sister and BIL that they had bought to renovate and use as an investment. She was living there, paying minimal rent to them, and mostly dependent on them for about everything. She later moved into their house, things didn't go well after a time, there was a bitter estrangement between them and that is when mom decided she had to move back to Florida so she could become our dependent again. She died in FL, after several years of moving around ( nothing was ever good enough for long), and running out of money as we were looking to have to support her entirely.

There is a stark contrast between my mother's outlook and mine and my siblings. We had no parental support after we graduated from high school, and not really even a home to go back to. We knew it was up to us to make our own ways, and to work for anything we wanted. Failure was not an option, there was no net under that tightrope. So that is what we did, and we've all achieved and been successful in our own ways. When I think back on it, I have to think maybe our upbringing and experience with our parents worked in our favor. Their message, "you're nobody special, no one owes you anything, and if you want it, work for it" certainly left us without any sense of entitlement that might stand in our way of working to achieve our goals.

[LittleDolphin]

Parents: At my same age, my parents were living in a one-bedroom condo in Florida. They liked to take cruises. They didn't exercise much but had a vibrant social life--played cards with friends. Dad served on condo board. They were pretty happy. They lived only two years longer than I am now. I'm hoping I do better than that...

Us: live in and maintain a 3 bedroom home; sizable yard. We're pretty active with gym, walking, cycling. Don't play cards. Have a sweet social life. Eat differently than folks did...and to date, have little interest in big ship cruising but a smaller boat adventure/educational cruise has a lot of appeal...we're pretty happy, too.

[kettlepot]

I'm 61. By this age, my father was watching the family business fail, more because of the mistakes of others than his own. He had high blood pressure and drank too much, no surprise there, and because of back problems didn't move around very much. He lived to be 80, but they were unhealthy years. I'm more mobile with greater cardiovascular fitness.

However, by body type, I've always been more like my mother, not my father. Her side of the family had a history of kidney disease, and I have the beginning of that too.

[caco54]

Mom and Dad long gone, Dad at 67 Mom at 84. I’m 70 and never thought I would exceed their status/wealth. Blew by them, great education, career, wise investor. My concern is my three kids but they seem to be doing well. Maxing out on 401k and IRA’s we gift them $20,000 every year….they will get it when we are dead, why not now. Health is the big issue but so far so good. Planning on 15 more years. MD says “you have the go go 70’s, slow go 80’s and the no go 90’s”. Taking full advantage with travel and experiences.

[ohio_peasant]

Parents never exercised, ate crap and were frequently stressed… but looked younger at the age that I currently am. Sure, I could lift more weight, run further and faster... but I have more wrinkles and gray hair, and just look more worn, more weather-beaten. Father died in his mid 50s, from cancer; I am fast approaching that age. Mother died in mid 70s, also from cancer.

Parents had more of a conventional life, in particular a decent (if unassuming) house. Materially they lived better, dressed better, carried themselves with more dignity. I have vastly more money, and more understanding about money, at least theoretically..., but am far more parsimonious, careless in my appearance and person, living a threadbare life, that my parents – were they to still be alive – would pan as being undignified and downright boorish.

The real change is with respect to one branch of the family, in the great-grandparents generation. Titled aristocrats, in a society so radically unequal as to make modern America look like Thomas More’s Utopia, they viewed money as a birthright, rather than something to gingerly cultivate. Then came some events in the early 20th century, resulting in a multi-generational ensuing skepticism of the future, and a culture of thrift. I perhaps have taken these notions to the extreme.

[selhars]

I'll sometimes compare myself to my mom and aunt who helped raise me in my early years....BUT, BUT BUT...pretty much only economically.

Mom married twice. Raised a blended family with four kids.
Aunt married and divorced young, and never married again.

At 63 I've never married and have no kids.
Mom lived until 89, aunt 94.
Mom took an early retirement from full-time teaching at 57.
Aunt worked until 80 as a private full-time housekeeper/nanny/major domo for wealthy families.

At 63, I have more saved than they did combined. I use that to remind myself -- that more than likely I have more money than I'll need to pay for whatever realistic retirement goals I have.

I am planning to retire at 65-1/2 in Dec 2025.
My friends say I have plenty. And I don't forsee -- at all -- working longer to save more.

But mom got dementia in her early-to-mid 80's, and by 88 needed 24/7 live in care, which started to deplete her nest egg, at a pretty good clip. Fortunately?? she did NOT outlive her money....but she easily could have.

So when people tell me I have plenty of money. I remind them that I know what it's like to have plenty of money -- until you don't.

[thinkalot]

At 68 my parents were traveling around the world. 5 years later it started going downhill.

I did everything I wanted in the last century. The last thing I want to do is get on another airplane.

[Kathy884]

Originally Posted by thinkalot

At 68 my parents were traveling around the world. 5 years later it started going downhill.

I did everything I wanted in the last century. The last thing I want to do is get on another airplane.

I'm with you. I'm just 63 and glad DH and I did the traveling we wanted to do when we were younger. Last October I took what I think will be my last trip to Europe with DS to go to places on his bucket list there he hadn't been to yet (Paris, Disneyland Paris, and Belfast). He's getting married next month, so it was a great time for a mother - son trip. DH at 70 decided to stay home rather than go there.

My getting on a plane for future and in retirement (15 months a way) will just be to visit relatives (annual mini trip to see a cousin in Tampa and my favorite nephew in Orlando (two nights Tampa / two nights Orlando), annual mini trip to Battle Creek for annual visit to see another cousin (just an overnighter), two trips a year to see my dad in Idaho (my brother and niece and their families live out there too) and one vacation a year with DH (maybe bringing DH and DS). I know for 2025 we will all do a week at Glacier National Park. For future though I think maybe I'll for that annual vacation just do a three night extension to the the summer visit to Idaho and spend three nights at Grand Teton National park.

Both DH and I just don't have the travel bug or interest that we used to have (expensive, crowded, feels like more of a hassle than it's worth - I do kind of enjoy travel planning though). My parents at my same age were traveling a lot more and kept doing that into their 80s. Mom is deceased now and dad stopped traveling at 85. Now at 87 his health is declining.

[elnrgby]

Originally Posted by Bette

I personally never spoke to my parents about getting older and the acceptance of their roles as they got older. The first grandchild came to them when my mom was 63; my father was 56. That was 1983.

Then, there was 12 grandchildren by 1990 and their home was the gathering place, the day/night care drop in anytime place. They were absolutely wonderful parents and grandparents and loved every second of it.

Comparing myself to my own mother at this point - even though she was a college graduate and even had an MBA, all that ended when she got married in her 30's which was late for her time. She gave all that up to get married and have her children. She was a great mom. Never complained about anything. She seemed to accept things easier than I do.

My husband and I have 2 children. One will never have children. The second one has his first serious girlfriend - I think he would like children; not sure if she would so we will see.

I've always led a busy life - I worked from an early age and still work but I know someday that will not exist.

There were times in my life I could not relate to an older person's life and now I'm there. My husband and I are active or at least want to be.

We live in an all age community and have always looked forward to things happening. My husband may adapt easier than me; I think I'm going to be the problem but I know life goes on and people adapt.

There were times in my parents' life I will never reach financially and then on the other end, some lows financially that I don't want to be there. All in there, they loved each other, stayed true to faith, family and love for each other and others and in the end, it ended fine. Four children, 12 grandchildren - some of the grandchildren have even had children and named them after their grandparents. Quite an honor. They were loved.

Other than work, my life seems so quiet compared to theirs even at this age. My mother had tons of friends and yes, she did work hard on those relationships. She was also a friend.

Due to my vision difficulty at this point in my life, the friend part is much harder to do. I don't drive anymore and it's just a burden to people.

My husband was an only child; very used to being alone. I am not. I like to be around people.
My parents were both social people.

No comparison whatsoever, at any time in my life. To start with, I am not a parent (single, no kids).