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I am going to be a dad soon. I feel happy about it, or at least I think that I do. My wife is a good person, and we match in many ways. We have no serious problems.
Unfortunately, I have been in a depressive episode for much of the time since finding out about the pregnancy. I know that the way that I feel and parenthood are related in a way, but not entirely. Depression runs in the family, and I am also affected by it. This means that at least, partially, I can blame my own biology.
It's very difficult feeling this way because my partner has the reasonable expectation that I express myself in a positive, heartfelt way. I am not always able to do this, and often come off as dull. I know that it is disappointing. Who wouldn't be excited about having a baby, after all?
There is another angle to this, the part that I should be able to better control as a mature and reasonable person. For some time, a colleague and myself were absolutely enamored with one another. I never thought it would work, but I always dreamed about being with her. Some of the strangest things ended up happening, and it really felt like fate that life would turn out differently, but it didn't. From that experience, I am still in shock. I saw a glimpse of a life that I was so attracted by, but it disappeared in a heartbeat.
At this point, I am totally committed to my wife, but I also became profoundly broken after this experience. The combination of innate depression and disbelief make it difficult to be totally present in a positive way. I know that this is immature and disrespectful to my wife and to my unborn child. I will always do the right thing, but these mental stressors are a serious obstacle in my journey to contendedness.
Is there anything that I can say to myself to get through this other than "grow up" and "get over yourself"? I know that this is bad, and I feel very guilty for having these thoughts.
Last edited by michigan91; 11-23-2023 at 07:42 PM..
First off, congratulations! There's nothing quite as frightening and joyful as becoming a new parent. It's not uncommon to have some mixed feelings during this time. Your wife may be having them too, along with the hormonal and physical changes she's experiencing. Life is about to change in a big way and that can be scary, even if you are excited about the new arrival of this precious little human that is going to love and adore their new dad.
Its also not uncommon to play the "what if" game in your head about the colleague that got away. It's a big change and now we are expected to forget the attractions of others as if that can magically disappear. You may feel on some unconscious level that your time of being desirable sexually to others is about to end with impending fatherhood. Unfortunately some men take this time to have that "last fling" but it's always a mistake and will hurt everyone needlessly in the end so I don't recommend it. But what you are feeling is not uncommon and as your wife's body began to change she probably felt that way too.
I would recommend talking to your doctor or therapist about your depression and what you have written here. Whats happening in your life is a big deal, there is no shame in getting some help in regaining control of yourself and getting some assistance in navigating what's to come. You'll be a better husband and dad for it. I wish you all the best.
I am going to be a dad soon. I feel happy about it, or at least I think that I do. My wife is a good person, and we match in many ways. We have no serious problems.
Is there anything that I can say to myself to get through this other than "grow up" and "get over yourself"? I know that this is bad, and I feel very guilty for having these thoughts.
I would give you a pretty standard feedback for the forum. The best way to go through this is to "grow up" and "get over yourself". Maybe remember that once the baby is born, your life for the next few years is to take care of the baby, not think about self fulfillment. If you get into the right mindset, taking care and bonding with a new baby is an immensely rewarding experience. The first smiles of a new baby when they see your approach can be an amazing experience. Or more precisely, it could be if you don't constantly keep thinking about whether you are happy or unhappy and about your ever evolving needs.
If you don't think you can shape up yourself you can try to see a therapist. If you have decent insurance or can pay, can make time, etc. I am sure you don't need me to tell you that.
I am personally skeptical about how helpful therapy is and did not have a good experience when I tried a few times. I found the therapists I tried overbearing, not willing to understand my individual circumstances but money hungry. They have also enjoyed suggesting anti depressants as a remedy for everything which made me wonder if they get kickbacks from the pharmaceutical industry. But these are my experience, you could have better luck...
They have also enjoyed suggesting anti depressants as a remedy for everything which made me wonder if they get kickbacks from the pharmaceutical industry. But these are my experience, you could have better luck...
I wouldn’t automatically dismiss anti-depressants. They did me a world of good. I wish I would have taken them years before I did.
I am going to be a dad soon. I feel happy about it, or at least I think that I do. My wife is a good person, and we match in many ways. We have no serious problems.
Unfortunately, I have been in a depressive episode for much of the time since finding out about the pregnancy. I know that the way that I feel and parenthood are related in a way, but not entirely. Depression runs in the family, and I am also affected by it. This means that at least, partially, I can blame my own biology.
It's very difficult feeling this way because my partner has the reasonable expectation that I express myself in a positive, heartfelt way. I am not always able to do this, and often come off as dull. I know that it is disappointing. Who wouldn't be excited about having a baby, after all?
There is another angle to this, the part that I should be able to better control as a mature and reasonable person. For some time, a colleague and myself were absolutely enamored with one another. I never thought it would work, but I always dreamed about being with her. Some of the strangest things ended up happening, and it really felt like fate that life would turn out differently, but it didn't. From that experience, I am still in shock. I saw a glimpse of a life that I was so attracted by, but it disappeared in a heartbeat.
At this point, I am totally committed to my wife, but I also became profoundly broken after this experience. The combination of innate depression and disbelief make it difficult to be totally present in a positive way. I know that this is immature and disrespectful to my wife and to my unborn child. I will always do the right thing, but these mental stressors are a serious obstacle in my journey to contendedness.
Is there anything that I can say to myself to get through this other than "grow up" and "get over yourself"? I know that this is bad, and I feel very guilty for having these thoughts.
You cannot help how you feel, or change the past. Keep in mind that for us dads, being a father is very abstract until the baby is actually born. The mom connects right away - it's inside her after all. Speaking just for myself, when my first kid was born, it was only after he began speaking and playing sports where I felt this overwhelming connection and proud of being a father. Until then, it was more of a chore for me.
As for the love that was never meant to be - I think many of us have similar stories. But living in the past and obsessing over "what ifs" is a recipe for being depressed.
Hey, congrats on becoming a dad soon! It's normal to have mixed feelings. Parenthood can be overwhelming. Don't be too hard on yourself. Talk to your wife and seek professional help if needed. Take care of yourself, too! You got this!
I am going to be a dad soon. I feel happy about it, or at least I think that I do. My wife is a good person, and we match in many ways. We have no serious problems.
Unfortunately, I have been in a depressive episode for much of the time since finding out about the pregnancy. I know that the way that I feel and parenthood are related in a way, but not entirely. Depression runs in the family, and I am also affected by it. This means that at least, partially, I can blame my own biology.
It's very difficult feeling this way because my partner has the reasonable expectation that I express myself in a positive, heartfelt way. I am not always able to do this, and often come off as dull. I know that it is disappointing. Who wouldn't be excited about having a baby, after all?
There is another angle to this, the part that I should be able to better control as a mature and reasonable person. For some time, a colleague and myself were absolutely enamored with one another. I never thought it would work, but I always dreamed about being with her. Some of the strangest things ended up happening, and it really felt like fate that life would turn out differently, but it didn't. From that experience, I am still in shock. I saw a glimpse of a life that I was so attracted by, but it disappeared in a heartbeat.
At this point, I am totally committed to my wife, but I also became profoundly broken after this experience. The combination of innate depression and disbelief make it difficult to be totally present in a positive way. I know that this is immature and disrespectful to my wife and to my unborn child. I will always do the right thing, but these mental stressors are a serious obstacle in my journey to contendedness.
Is there anything that I can say to myself to get through this other than "grow up" and "get over yourself"? I know that this is bad, and I feel very guilty for having these thoughts.
Very natural in my opinion, after my wife became pregant for the first time, once you get over the initial excitment, You have to deal with all kinds of things, not just a pregnat wife who can get quite emotional, but the extra stress that comes form all the changes in your long term life especially in terms of money, employment security, housing and social life etc.
Stick with it, and the reward will come the day you get to hold a newborn baby - that will call you dad one day.
There’s been twice in my life where therapy was very helpful. I was lucky to have a great therapist each time. Fantasy with a coworker is always better in your mind than reality is. Open your mind to anticipation of your baby and it will be wonderful.
Yes, I agree about getting help with your depression. With meds it can take a month or so to start working. Talk therapy might reassure you that your misgivings are natural and can be worked through. Both are good investments to prepare yourself to be a good father.
Your workplace crush was more of an illusion and a rush of excitement than anything substantial. Choosing your path in life and sticking with it when you are already committed to a person will pay off indefinitely. Your marriage is something to nurture and build upon. It can provide you with a lot of joy and satisfaction.
Be brave and don’t let yourself be distracted by what ifs. You’re going to be a father. Prepare for good times ahead.
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