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Dear OP,
I'm a fairly new father myself. I have a 3 YO and a 6 month old. I am not going to lie to you or myself, so perhaps my experience can help you navigate this difficult period.
I too mourn the loss of what "was" or what "could have been" to a certain degree. I love my kids but they are a TON of work and require complete dedication from both parents. You WILL mourn the loss of your freedom. However, I think parenthood will either drive a wedge between you and your wife OR you two will become closer and more dependent on each other as time goes on.
Having kids has made my wife a better team. It's made me appreciate who my wife is both as a mother and a person. Kids really do bring out the best in women and I doubt your wife will be an exception. I don't have the added pressure of another woman who I have taken interest in, but overtime that too should fade.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
Most married men aren't thinking about dating other women when they have a bun in the oven with their wife.
There are a lot of men who still miss playing the field. There are still men who wonder what it would be like with someone else. It's natural in my opinion. With that being said, I hope the OP does develop a deeper love connection with his wife because kids are hard to raise in general and having a strong marriage is key to building a great home and raising great kids.
Dear OP,
I'm a fairly new father myself. I have a 3 YO and a 6 month old. I am not going to lie to you or myself, so perhaps my experience can help you navigate this difficult period.
I too mourn the loss of what "was" or what "could have been" to a certain degree. I love my kids but they are a TON of work and require complete dedication from both parents. You WILL mourn the loss of your freedom. However, I think parenthood will either drive a wedge between you and your wife OR you two will become closer and more dependent on each other as time goes on.
Having kids has made my wife a better team. It's made me appreciate who my wife is both as a mother and a person. Kids really do bring out the best in women and I doubt your wife will be an exception. I don't have the added pressure of another woman who I have taken interest in, but overtime that too should fade.
There are a lot of men who still miss playing the field. There are still men who wonder what it would be like with someone else. It's natural in my opinion. With that being said, I hope the OP does develop a deeper love connection with his wife because kids are hard to raise in general and having a strong marriage is key to building a great home and raising great kids.
I expect guys to notice other women and think, she's kind of cute, maybe he sees cleavage and takes note of that. That's behavior that would not be outside of normal for men
But the OP was "absolutely enamored" with another woman and depressed that it didn't work out, while his wife is knocked up .
But the OP was "absolutely enamored" with another woman and depressed that it didn't work out, while his wife is knocked up .
That doesn't seem real normal to me at all.
I'd be first on the list to get a lobotomy if they were still offered. I strive to be a better person. I love my wife dearly, but it's in more of a sister-brother sort of way, and it has been that way for a while. I know that the colleague was just a spark in the dimly lit chambers of my heart. It's just a grim and lonesome feeling. I don't think that I'm a 'love addict', but give a dog a bone, and it's hard to get that bone back. (My wife and I cohabitate and codepend, but that doesn't always come with an expression of affection.) I have confidence that I'm going to evolve into a new stage of happiness at some point, and I'm sure that my wife and daughter will be significant parts of that. Contentment is just sometimes ellusive.
I'd be first on the list to get a lobotomy if they were still offered. I strive to be a better person. I love my wife dearly, but it's in more of a sister-brother sort of way, and it has been that way for a while. I know that the colleague was just a spark in the dimly lit chambers of my heart. It's just a grim and lonesome feeling. I don't think that I'm a 'love addict', but give a dog a bone, and it's hard to get that bone back. (My wife and I cohabitate and codepend, but that doesn't always come with an expression of affection.) I have confidence that I'm going to evolve into a new stage of happiness at some point, and I'm sure that my wife and daughter will be significant parts of that. Contentment is just sometimes ellusive.
Marriage takes work. Love and the intensity of it ebbs and flows, it is not a warm, cozy constant state of being. If you really feel more of a brother-sister love, thats on you to figure out how it got that way and work on it to get it moving in the right direction again. It's easy to give up emotionally and check out while going through the motions but you owe it to each other and to the new baby to check back in. Don't feel sorry for yourself. "Contentment is just sometimes ellusive" is a cop out. It's a lie you've told yourself to protect yourself from doing the work. Happiness isn't a goal, it's a by-product of what you do. If you want a happy life/happy wife then do the work, starting with yourself. That colleague you carried a torch for would not have made you happy nor was it her job to do so. You built a fantasy in your head.
Or, you can wait until the baby is born, part ways and pay child support for 18 years, play the field and go home to an empty apartment, get your heart stomped on a few times, watch your exwife become more beautiful in time and then meet and marry a great guy who will then raise your daughter as his own, maybe you'll develop a drinking problem or a gambling addiction or an std....the list is endless and the future is wide open.
Marriage takes work. Love and the intensity of it ebbs and flows, it is not a warm, cozy constant state of being.
Haha, thanks for the thoughts. I like your post. There are a lot of things in it that I feel ring true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miso Blu
...the list is endless and the future is wide open.
I will keep working on the marriage, and on myself. I owe it to both my wife and my unborn child.
Just as an aside, we watched 'Vacation' and 'Christmas Vacation' together a few weeks ago. Of course, it's just a movie, but I really appreciate how well John Hughes captured the challenges and joys of family life. When I was younger, I thought it was a really hillarious movie, but watching it as an adult, specifically during this time in my life, I really get a sense of all of the things that Chevy Chase and the family go through. Different prespective on a different life.
Since I last posted here, we have welcomed the baby. It's great, and I feel really wonderful about being a dad. Things with the wife are okay, but also frequently stressful--though that's to be expected.
An issue which has come up is that I have been feeling an incredible amount of guilt. Something which I haven't posted here is that my colleague's relationship also discintigrated during this same time, though I didn't know about it until well after my wife and I became pregnant. (In fact, I saw my colleague get married, and this made me want to get married, and to have a baby.) While I haven't confirmed anything, it's incredibly likely that I was one of the causes of my colleague's relationship discintigrating. I really respect and care about this colleague, so knowing that I am at least a partial cause of this really painful event in her life just leaves me speechless. I wish I could change things somehow--this is more than likely the worst thing that I have ever done in my entire life--but I know that the best thing that I can do is just to move on.
"... Antidepressants are supposed to work by fixing a chemical imbalance, specifically, a lack of serotonin or norepinephrine in the brain. However, analyses of the published and the unpublished clinical trial data are consistent in showing that most (if not all) of the benefits of antidepressants in the treatment of depression and anxiety are due to the placebo response, and the difference in improvement between drug and placebo is not clinically meaningful and may be due to breaking blind by both patients and clinicians.... "
So in summary I am pretty sure that if a doctor prescribed you sugar pills, the results would've been the same.
That’s not true at all. As a R.N. who worked a few years in the psychiatric ward of a major hospital, I have seen patients change from night to day after taking anti-depressants for about a month. It was not the placebo effect.
Last edited by Iluvbeagles; 03-13-2024 at 07:49 PM..
Since I last posted here, we have welcomed the baby. It's great, and I feel really wonderful about being a dad. Things with the wife are okay, but also frequently stressful--though that's to be expected.
An issue which has come up is that I have been feeling an incredible amount of guilt. Something which I haven't posted here is that my colleague's relationship also discintigrated during this same time, though I didn't know about it until well after my wife and I became pregnant. (In fact, I saw my colleague get married, and this made me want to get married, and to have a baby.) While I haven't confirmed anything, it's incredibly likely that I was one of the causes of my colleague's relationship discintigrating. I really respect and care about this colleague, so knowing that I am at least a partial cause of this really painful event in her life just leaves me speechless. I wish I could change things somehow--this is more than likely the worst thing that I have ever done in my entire life--but I know that the best thing that I can do is just to move on.
I’m confused about your post above when you write the following, “In fact, I saw my colleague get married, and this made me want to get married, and to have a baby”. What do you exactly mean by this?
I’m confused about your post above when you write the following, “In fact, I saw my colleague get married, and this made me want to get married, and to have a baby”. What do you exactly mean by this?
At that time, I felt that I could finally move on. I wouldn't waste my time pining after a married colleague. I just wanted to make my own life, and to create my own story.
At that time, I felt that I could finally move on. I wouldn't waste my time pining after a married colleague. I just wanted to make my own life, and to create my own story.
Congratulations on the birth of your child.
The love affair you had with your colleague was before your marriage?
And she chose someone else to marry? Causing you to want to marry too, in your case on the rebound.
Is that correct?
And now you understand her marriage is having problems and you blame yourself for that.
How were you involved at this point?
The idea that she might be a free woman again is weighing on your mind it seems and you're still emotionally involved with her.
Is that the reason for your update?
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I'd be first on the list to get a lobotomy if they were still offered. I strive to be a better person. I love my wife dearly, but it's in more of a sister-brother sort of way, and it has been that way for a while. I know that the colleague was just a spark in the dimly lit chambers of my heart. It's just a grim and lonesome feeling. I don't think that I'm a 'love addict', but give a dog a bone, and it's hard to get that bone back. (My wife and I cohabitate and codepend, but that doesn't always come with an expression of affection.) I have confidence that I'm going to evolve into a new stage of happiness at some point, and I'm sure that my wife and daughter will be significant parts of that. Contentment is just sometimes ellusive.
