So it's possible for a relationship for flourish after infidelity? (dating, wife)
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My parents are both 50 year-olds with 3 kids; all daughters. I'm 24 (the oldest) and then comes my 19 year-old twin sisters. One of my sisters just delivered a baby boy 3 days ago.
Growing up, I always thought we were the ideal and perfect family until I discovered my father's journal 5 months ago. I'm already over the initial shock but after what I'm about to share, let me know if you think it's possible for a relationship to flourish after infidelity if both cheated on each other. This is my short summary of everything I read in dad's private journal. It took me weeks to finish it:
My parents started dating when they 17 year-olds. When my mom was 20 (the year was 1992), my dad caught her cheating with his best friend (literally in the act, without clothes). It happened in his own house, on the couch. Dad fights/punches the friend and breaks up. Mom starts begging, crying, promising not to ever cheat again, etc. He takes her back months later, they go to couple therapy, he also goes to individual counselor and somehow worked that out. They get married at age 24 and I'm born 2 years later. Dad still had his doubts (didn't fully trusted her yet) and took a paternity test twice. Twice it was 99.99 positive. He put his distrust at rest but his ego was still hurt. He has a brief revenge affair (in 2000) for a couple weeks but then feels guilt, ends it and confesses. I was just a toddler when dad cheated back. Mom forgives him too, they go to marriage counseling and since he confessed, the R process is quicker. They apologized to each other and dad made a deal with her; she stops bringing back his cheating and he shuts up about what she did.
Obviously they never intended to ever tell me, my sisters nor anyone in the family. Not even our grandparents (both maternal and paternal) know it. I had no idea they had an old infidelity issue many years ago. We rarely heard them arguing. I'm still left wondering how is it possible to have a good relationship afterwards? How was dad able to get past that horrible cheating scene and still marry her? How was mom able to get past his revenge cheating? Can a relationship really flourish to the point trust is rebuilt, they are happy and much stronger?? Or are my parents rare cases? How can you love but still cheat on them???
Can't speak on your parents behalf, nor can anyone. Every relationship is different depending on the two involved.
I'm more curious how you "discovered" your father's journal and proceed to snoop through it.
I found it in the basement by accident. I'm nosey when it comes to snooping through personal things. Curiosity got the best of me and I regret reading it. I wish I would've never found it.
I haven't told them nor my sister about it.
I'm impressed they were able to provide us a good upbringing and raise us in a stable house with love. The irony is my mother was the stricter parent with the curfews, teaching us about morals. Dad was the softer parent teaching us about forgiveness and how bad it is to hold grudges. I only got drunk once on my 21st b-day and mom didn't like it. Wow. She wasn't an angel in her youthful years and what she did to dad back then was obviously horrible but yet she never wanted any of us to be loose, wild party girl without morals. Ironic isn't it???
My parents are both 50 year-olds with 3 kids; all daughters. I'm 24 (the oldest) and then comes my 19 year-old twin sisters. One of my sisters just delivered a baby boy 3 days ago.
Growing up, I always thought we were the ideal and perfect family until I discovered my father's journal 5 months ago. I'm already over the initial shock but after what I'm about to share, let me know if you think it's possible for a relationship to flourish after infidelity if both cheated on each other. This is my short summary of everything I read in dad's private journal. It took me weeks to finish it:
My parents started dating when they 17 year-olds. When my mom was 20 (the year was 1992), my dad caught her cheating with his best friend (literally in the act, without clothes). It happened in his own house, on the couch. Dad fights/punches the friend and breaks up. Mom starts begging, crying, promising not to ever cheat again, etc. He takes her back months later, they go to couple therapy, he also goes to individual counselor and somehow worked that out. They get married at age 24 and I'm born 2 years later. Dad still had his doubts (didn't fully trusted her yet) and took a paternity test twice. Twice it was 99.99 positive. He put his distrust at rest but his ego was still hurt. He has a brief revenge affair (in 2000) for a couple weeks but then feels guilt, ends it and confesses. I was just a toddler when dad cheated back. Mom forgives him too, they go to marriage counseling and since he confessed, the R process is quicker. They apologized to each other and dad made a deal with her; she stops bringing back his cheating and he shuts up about what she did.
Obviously they never intended to ever tell me, my sisters nor anyone in the family. Not even our grandparents (both maternal and paternal) know it. I had no idea they had an old infidelity issue many years ago. We rarely heard them arguing. I'm still left wondering how is it possible to have a good relationship afterwards? How was dad able to get past that horrible cheating scene and still marry her? How was mom able to get past his revenge cheating? Can a relationship really flourish to the point trust is rebuilt, they are happy and much stronger?? Or are my parents rare cases? How can you love but still cheat on them???
In grad school I had a girlfriend cheat on me with her married pastor, I broke up with her and basically assumed once a cheater always a cheater.
I am now almost your dad's age. What I have observed since then is that some people really are serial cheaters and with other people it is just a one off thing. It really does depend on the people involved.
I will also say the significance of cheating also depends on the people involved. With me in my early/mid twenties it was a complete deal breaker because I assumed it was a major character flaw. At my age now I think if I had found out that someone I had dated had cheated on someone else in a past relationship, it would be more something I would get curious about. I wouldn't ignore the fact that this person cheated in a past relationship, but I wouldn't completely write them off either. Some people do learn from their mistakes but I would say this is a good reason to not rush things really have some history with someone before you get engaged and married.
I will also say infidelity is something different people have different ideas about. Polyamorous people don't think of sex outside their primary relationship is that big of a deal. What matters for them is what is in their relationship agreement. There are also people in other cultures with more than one wife. What I am getting at is that having sex with more than one person at a time need not be a dealbreaker if you and the person you are dating decide that this isn't going to break up your relationship. What I am also getting at is that your parents might have been able to work around this problem as a couple. Somehow they raised three daughters and you assumed the relationship was very successful. If your parents seem happy and you and your sisters grew up in a loving home I would argue it still is.
Lust happens and during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, dating can seem like a fairytale, but long term relationships require work and effort if they are to endure. Your parents relationship had some teething pains, but from what you have shared so far, they really excelled at the working on and strengthening aspect of their relationship. That is an achievement too.
I'm still left wondering how is it possible to have a good relationship afterwards? How was dad able to get past that horrible cheating scene and still marry her? How was mom able to get past his revenge cheating? Can a relationship really flourish to the point trust is rebuilt, they are happy and much stronger?? Or are my parents rare cases? How can you love but still cheat on them???
Have you been in a long term relationship before? Cheating doesn't necessarily have to be about love or lack thereof. When your mom hooked up with your dad's friend, she was only 20, and maybe your dad hadn't been the best partner and this other guy made her feel desired. Your dad may have understood that, and that's how they could work through things. Being in a committed relationship doesn't mean that a person is immune to finding other people interesting or attractive. For some people one instance of infidelity is a dealbreaker, for others, it's the longer emotional cheating that's worse. Depends on the circumstance and the couple if trust was always there and could be rebuilt. Maintaining a relationship takes effort and empathy.
Nope, infact cheating is my ONLY 100% dealbreaker anything else either can be worked on, worked through or is situational but if a mate gives her body to another it's over instantly in fact I am mind boggled at those who have cheated and try to win back the one they betrayed I have 2 ex's who have been trying to get back with me for years I just don't get it, one EX thinks I'm unreasonable because we had a good relationship and I can't get past one mistake on her part, I'm like a mistake is forgetting to put the curry in the fridge not sleeping with your EX who was in town visiting family.
As far as I'm concerned cheaters should be sent out to the desert with a thimble of water, they are less than human and deserve all the bad things life has to offer.
Have you been in a long term relationship before? Cheating doesn't necessarily have to be about love or lack thereof. When your mom hooked up with your dad's friend, she was only 20, and maybe your dad hadn't been the best partner and this other guy made her feel desired. Your dad may have understood that, and that's how they could work through things. For some people one instance of infidelity is a dealbreaker, for others, it's the longer emotional cheating that's worse. Depends on the circumstance and the couple if trust was always there and could be rebuilt.
Wow way to blame the victim, there is no excuse for cheating if you are not happy leave and don't leave with anything you did not come with.
Your parents weren't married when she cheated on him. And at 20 both your parents should have been exploring their options. Think about all the people that break up and get back together multiple times. Sometimes because of infidelity, sometimes for other reasons. Your parents both chose to overlook the other's indiscretion. Whether because of love, or later because of children and possibly finances, they managed to work it out. Marriage is about a lot of things besides sex. Love is about a lot of things besides sex.
I found it in the basement by accident. I'm nosey when it comes to snooping through personal things. Curiosity got the best of me and I regret reading it. I wish I would've never found it.
I haven't told them nor my sister about it.
I'm impressed they were able to provide us a good upbringing and raise us in a stable house with love. The irony is my mother was the stricter parent with the curfews, teaching us about morals. Dad was the softer parent teaching us about forgiveness and how bad it is to hold grudges. I only got drunk once on my 21st b-day and mom didn't like it. Wow. She wasn't an angel in her youthful years and what she did to dad back then was obviously horrible but yet she never wanted any of us to be loose, wild party girl without morals. Ironic isn't it???
I think you are a horrible kid to go through your fathers personal items while he is still alive. Kids are not supposed to get involved in their parents relationship. You see it through a completely different set of eyes, and the decisions they made are theirs.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SocialBeeSarah
My parents are both 50 year-olds with 3 kids; all daughters. I'm 24 (the oldest) and then comes my 19 year-old twin sisters. One of my sisters just delivered a baby boy 3 days ago.
Growing up, I always thought we were the ideal and perfect family until I discovered my father's journal 5 months ago. I'm already over the initial shock but after what I'm about to share, let me know if you think it's possible for a relationship to flourish after infidelity if both cheated on each other. This is my short summary of everything I read in dad's private journal. It took me weeks to finish it:
My parents started dating when they 17 year-olds. When my mom was 20 (the year was 1992), my dad caught her cheating with his best friend (literally in the act, without clothes). It happened in his own house, on the couch. Dad fights/punches the friend and breaks up. Mom starts begging, crying, promising not to ever cheat again, etc. He takes her back months later, they go to couple therapy, he also goes to individual counselor and somehow worked that out. They get married at age 24 and I'm born 2 years later. Dad still had his doubts (didn't fully trusted her yet) and took a paternity test twice. Twice it was 99.99 positive. He put his distrust at rest but his ego was still hurt. He has a brief revenge affair (in 2000) for a couple weeks but then feels guilt, ends it and confesses. I was just a toddler when dad cheated back. Mom forgives him too, they go to marriage counseling and since he confessed, the R process is quicker. They apologized to each other and dad made a deal with her; she stops bringing back his cheating and he shuts up about what she did.
Obviously they never intended to ever tell me, my sisters nor anyone in the family. Not even our grandparents (both maternal and paternal) know it. I had no idea they had an old infidelity issue many years ago. We rarely heard them arguing. I'm still left wondering how is it possible to have a good relationship afterwards? How was dad able to get past that horrible cheating scene and still marry her? How was mom able to get past his revenge cheating? Can a relationship really flourish to the point trust is rebuilt, they are happy and much stronger?? Or are my parents rare cases? How can you love but still cheat on them???
I think a relationship can survive infidelity and be on a new trajectory if both partners work on themselves continuously. I just know if my partner cheated on me, I wouldn’t waste another second try to see about that. If you cheat on me, your a#$ is finished with me, no exceptions.
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