Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with that, Op. But I agree with the others that your family is dysfunctional and will continue to drag you into their fights and look to you to bail them out of their own severe financial mistakes.
I don't know that I would completely cut them off but I would talk to a counselor who can help you to set some boundaries with them. You aren't being selfish looking out for yourself. We are actually supposed to do that.
If this had been a one time ask for help that would be one thing but this appears to be a chronic issue with them and they are the only ones who can fix it. You can't do it for them.
My 63 year old mother is now cursing me out for no reason and wants nothing to do with me all because she can’t have her way with my money . Just to give a little context my mother is 63 years old, she shares a home in Houston with my youngest sister who is 30 years old . For the last several years , my youngest sister and mother have lived together dispite not being able to get along civally .
In the past , whenever either one of them was in a tight spot and needed help . I would help . I have helped with everything helping them avoid homelessness by helping pay electric bills , past rent bills when my mother hours was reduced . They eventually ended up getting evicted from there last apartment ,which I gave to them , when they came to live with me back in 2014, they both ended up living a shelter and I had them come stay with me . After a year , I ended up moving out of state and leaving them my apartment which they kept up until 2023 , where they both got evicted for non payment ,so They both became homeless , I stepped in and helped because my youngest sister who was working at the time did not have enough money to help with an hotel and my mother hours were reduced .
So I found this rental house , and loaned them the 1500.00 dollars needed to get the house. And while the house was being prepped , I helped pay for her and my sister an airbnb for a month while the house was getting ready , sent them money for food and transportation this all was happening while I was married , so of course at the time , I had more free money at the time .
Then a month later , my brother and his baby mama was getting into it , so he became homeless and left Kansas City to move to Houston to move in with my mother and sister . Once he moved in , every day , my mother is calling me complaining about my brother not helping out , not cleaning up behind himself , cursing him out , arguments daily , so she put him out a week later in the middle of a Texas summer . With literally has nowhere to go . So to help him out , I paid for him an airbnb for two months , sent him money for food and gas while he tries to look for work . Paid for his car to get fixed He eventually moved back to Kansas City with his baby mamba a few months later .
Now, once my brother leaves , my youngest sister decides to quit her job “due to her back issues” . She quits her job and decides she doesn’t want to work for a while . In the meantime She applies for unemployment , they deny her for about a month , so during this time I am helping her pay her portion of the rent , sending her money for food and gas , helping her with her resume etc . She eventually gets approved for unemployment , during this time , she looses her car due to not paying her car note , on top of that my mother and her are arguing every day over food , money , bills . Since my sister quit her job , my mother has had to pay the majority of the bills and so they are arguing every day over bills, food , her laziness and unwillingness to try and find a job , hygiene issues , etc , the list goes on .
This morning around 3:09 am ,, my mother calls me crying hysterically telling me she and my sister were arguing and fighting because my sister did refuses to help clean and she went crazy and broke up things in the house. Now keep in mind they have been living together for the past 10 years , and they have had several arguments and fights to where they have broken up furniture , actually put hands on each other , called the police and tried to have each other arrested . So when I got this call , I just figured it was another argument . My mother is crying and begging me to let my sister come stay with me or pay for her an hotel , because my sister threatened her . I told her I cannot financially help as I just got out of a divorce and have my own bills . Plus I am really tired of everyone asking for me for money all the time !! . I am sick of it .
I advise my mother to just evict my sister out the legall way and just leave her be until either she can evict my sister or move out herself . She gets mad at me and curses me out and tells me she never wants to talk to me again in life because I refused to pay for my 30 year old sister an airbnb or an hotel because she felt her life was in danger and I don’t care about her safety . I am literally heartbroken . I have been there for her and everyone else in every way possible and she had the audacity to be upset with me just because I won’t take my sister in , I am literally just appalled right now . I have given my family so much financial help and I am tapped out . Why when I try and instill boundaries suddenly I’m selfish , a bad person . Haven’t I helped out enough ? Am in in the wrong ?
First of all, you have taken no responsibility in the part YOU played in this chaos. Your Mom and Sister are codependents with each other, and you are the ENABLER.
You have enabled them to EXPECT money and help from you in their chaotic lives. You have allowed them to take advantage of you and YOU are a big part of this scenario, whether you see it that way or not.
You should seek help to learn how to set boundaries that you can live with, that separate you from the "problems, issues, Bull****" coming from a toxic relationship that will ALWAYS be this way, unless one of them decides to get help.
My best friend's sister and her daughter were the exact same way. The daughter stayed with the mother, and they fought all the time, it was drama drama drama all the time. Police being called, inability to be accountable for their actions, just BS all the time, never ending chaotic BS.
I would tell your Mom that if she chooses to be angry with you and not speak to you because you refuse to use your hard earned money to support two adults, then so be it. That will not last long, I assure you.
You can go to alanon, that is a good organization that will help you see what you can't see now. How you are playing a large part in all of this. You have to take care of YOU and love them from a distance until such time as they get help, learn to live on their own and be responsible adults.
Tell your Mom you are no longer a resource for money. No need to explain anything, just tell her that and also that you don't want her calling you with the same old crap every dang day and that you are DONE. You have to do the "tough love" thing, which is to let them deal with their own problems, let them see that they have to do this themselves and that is hte best thing you can possibly do for them at this point. It's called tough love because it's hard. However, if you don't enforce this you will always be drawn into this toxic craziness. Stand up for yourself and tell them that they need to figure all this out and you are finished and do not complain to you or contact you AT ALL unless it is a normal, caring phone call and has nothing to do with their problems.
Good luck, it's not easy doing that but you have no choice. This is making you sick and in a sense, you already are sort of "sick" due to being a classic enabler.
This is a good rule of thumb for enabling. If you do something that another person cannot do for themselves, that's giving. If you do something for someone who CAN do for themselves, that's enabling. You are allowing this cycle of madness in YOUR life, and it's not your problem, it's theirs. Get out of it.
It's time for them to learn to live without your support. They are adults, capable of working.
Your sister's back hurts? Find a job that doesn't require her to be on her feet all day.
Your mom's hours were cut? Find another full time job, or a part time job to supplement.
It's admirable that you care enough about your family to help them out, but enough is enough.
That you aren't going to be their free bank anymore says far more about them than it does you. In fact, it says nothing negative about you, and 100% negative on them.
I'll bet your mom will start talking to you again when she wants more money.
It's time for you to decide if you're going to keep enabling them to live the way that they do, and accepting all of their excuses as to why they can't possibly take care of themselves, or stop the money flow for good.
Do they ever call you when they don't have a problem? Do they ever show their gratitude beyond a 'thank you' after you save their backsides yet again? Do they ever do anything for you? Not that you should expect it, but do they do anything for you, or do they just mooch off of you?
I went through a similar situation with my mother and sister. No matter what you say or do, they're not going to change their behavior or ingratitude. You can't live the rest of your life in this situation. You are right to cut yourself off from them and work on your own therapy and start saving some money for yourself.
Exactly. I did as well. My mother even went so far as to forge my name on government checks. When I was finally able to get up the courage to ask her why she did it, she said she felt she deserved it, after all she had done for me. Huh? I guess she was keeping a running tally in her mind of how much she had spent to house, feed, educate, clothe and entertain me.
That is what I did, and it was so freeing. My mother asked for money, I told her I didn't have it, as we had relocated, and we had a family with only one person working at the time. She said "Well, I guess then I don't ever need to talk to you." and that was the end of it. I actually never heard a word from her again, and was informed that she had died two years after the fact. She never approved of my life or what jobs I chose to do saying "I would never want to do that.", well, yeah, neither did I, but it helps to pay the bills, and then she wanted me to share that with her.
They always say you'll regret it when they die, ah, not at all. Free, free, free at last!
Yep, when I found out my mom had passed, my only hope was that when I do, that I don’t share a room with her.
This story reminds me of my three adult children who got mad at me when I said enough is enough at Christmas. No more lavish spending. A simple gift would be all they were going to get from then on. Well, that was 27 years ago and they’re still mad about it.
Yep, when I found out my mom had passed, my only hope was that when I do, that I don’t share a room with her.
My friend went through very much the same thing, and when his Mom passed, he did grieve. But it wasn't "her" he was grieving for, it was what could have been that tortured him for quite a while.
I think that is very sad, and will never understand a Mother that could EVER just write off her children over something like this.
I only looked at the first few answers that others have posted but those are spot on.
Your family is way messed up, always on the verge of homelessness. Doesn't sound like they have to be. Sounds like they need to be more normal and work like the rest of us peasants.
That said, you are completely enabling them and allowing them to take advantage of you. Even encouraging it a little. You've crossed the line between help and enablement and they are throwing a tantrum now that you aren't giving them money.
Help them when they are ready to receive help rather than a handout. You set the boundaries...your money, your rules. You must force them to live like normal people. They will fight and hate you for it. These are your choices: help them be normal and be hated for it, allow them to abuse and take advantage of you, or disengage from them completely. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
I mean, I'm a grown man and thankfully I am not homeless and do reasonably well on my own.
God forbid, but if I did become homeless, I'd be a much better roommate than your family.
Half-joking here. Only half because just going by your posts, if there was more context or if we live near each other, you deserve so much better than these "relatives".
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
