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Lots of people suggest you go see a therapist, but that can be expensive, and of dubious value.
If you can find a good, affordable therapist, by all means go.
Meanwhile, you can borrow self-help books from your local library.
People who were abused as a child often have boundary issues, which sounds like one of the dynamics going on here.
It can take a while to overcome that, and another person is necessary to do the job properly, but it doesn't have to be a credentialed therapist.
I had to overcome a traumatic childhood, to become a happy, functioning adult, and I found credentialed therapists to be only moderately useful, maybe 2 or 3 out of 10.
I got involved in several "cults" or religious communities that had various recipes for self-development. No one thing did it all, but I kept plugging away, and I think I am better off for having done it.
The nice thing about books is that I can provide you with a vocabulary, and a "file cabinet" to put ideas into, as you come across them. You still need people to talk to out loud about what you are going through, exploring different ideas. Maybe you can join some kind of local group.
What I did in my 20 and 30s was not completely cut myself off from my parents, but maybe send a Christmas card every 2 or 3 years. I didn't have my family contact me, so you have a different issue.
The main thing is to not get into a discussion with them of why you feel abused or put upon. It just drags you down, as they deny your reality and try to gaslight you. I'm assuming you have a cell phone, and they can text you. Don't answer their calls. If you get a text that someone died, or is in the hospital, you can respond, but don't get into a discussion of how you feel, or what you want. They will just use that information to hurt you.
It's hard to adjust to the idea that you are responsible for how you feel. Nobody "makes" you feel any way. There are many ways to respond, and it's your choice which way you go.
It takes time to get used to the idea of taking responsibility for your own choices, which is one of the reasons it's a good idea to have other people to talk to, and get involved with, so you can practice on situations that are less triggering. It may take a decade or more to get to a point where you can get involved with your family again.
It's your life. Maybe at this point, all you can do is make a decision about what you want. You may or may not be able to execute that decision, but you can and have to make the decision for yourself.
We're all rooting for you.
Last thing - look for self-help books on family dynamics and overcoming an abusive childhood.
I remember in my early 20s how helpful it was sto me when a friend pointed out that I had bad parents. I refused to say to myself that my parents were bad. I kept thinking it was something wrong with me.
I saw something of that in the ending of your post, so start reading. And if a book doesn't resonate with you, don't waste your time trying to finish it, go on to another.
If your library doesn't have the books, maybe they can do an interlibrary loan.
Speaking of books and other resources, there's a really good YouTube channel called Crappy Childhood Fairy and I think it would be really good for the OP.
You need to stay away from these two people. It's unfortunate. I hope you can get some counseling through your job / insurance. It's the best thing is to get an objective third party person to assist you.
You are not in the wrong and you should be glad your mother isn't talking to you. She'll be talking to you again soon enough. Honestly, change your number. Run, hide. You do not need your dysfunctional family in your life.
That is what I did, and it was so freeing. My mother asked for money, I told her I didn't have it, as we had relocated, and we had a family with only one person working at the time. She said "Well, I guess then I don't ever need to talk to you." and that was the end of it. I actually never heard a word from her again, and was informed that she had died two years after the fact. She never approved of my life or what jobs I chose to do saying "I would never want to do that.", well, yeah, neither did I, but it helps to pay the bills, and then she wanted me to share that with her.
They always say you'll regret it when they die, ah, not at all. Free, free, free at last!
Sorry everyone . I have been very busy with work . I just want to
Thank each and everyone who responded and gave advice .
I will take the steps to get into therapy and cut off contact for a while from my family until I can heal my deep childhood wounds .
Sorry everyone . I have been very busy with work . I just want to
Thank each and everyone who responded and gave advice .
I will take the steps to get into therapy and cut off contact for a while from my family until I can heal my deep childhood wounds .
Good for you, OP. Be brave; you can do it!
.
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I advise my mother to just evict my sister out the legall way and just leave her be until either she can evict my sister or move out herself . She gets mad at me and curses me out and tells me she never wants to talk to me again in life because I refused to pay for my 30 year old sister an airbnb or an hotel because she felt her life was in danger and I don’t care about her safety . I am literally heartbroken . I have been there for her and everyone else in every way possible and she had the audacity to be upset with me just because I won’t take my sister in , I am literally just appalled right now . I have given my family so much financial help and I am tapped out . Why when I try and instill boundaries suddenly I’m selfish , a bad person . Haven’t I helped out enough ? Am in in the wrong ?
STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! You are obviously the responsible, self-reliant member in your family. But they will suck the life out of you if you don't stop giving in to them. Your siblings need to figure things out the hard way, and your mother... well, she's the mother. She lost control of her life and that's on her. So just avoid them and enjoy your own life.
I would still talk to her but never about financial issues. You know, I have several relatives that I talk to regularly and financial issues are never discussed. If they start complaining about financial issues, just tell them "That's too bad, things will work out for you." and move on to another subject.
My 63 year old mother is now cursing me out for no reason and wants nothing to do with me all because she can’t have her way with my money . Just to give a little context my mother is 63 years old, she shares a home in Houston with my youngest sister who is 30 years old . For the last several years , my youngest sister and mother have lived together dispite not being able to get along civally .
In the past , whenever either one of them was in a tight spot and needed help . I would help . I have helped with everything helping them avoid homelessness by helping pay electric bills , past rent bills when my mother hours was reduced . They eventually ended up getting evicted from there last apartment ,which I gave to them , when they came to live with me back in 2014, they both ended up living a shelter and I had them come stay with me . After a year , I ended up moving out of state and leaving them my apartment which they kept up until 2023 , where they both got evicted for non payment ,so They both became homeless , I stepped in and helped because my youngest sister who was working at the time did not have enough money to help with an hotel and my mother hours were reduced .
So I found this rental house , and loaned them the 1500.00 dollars needed to get the house. And while the house was being prepped , I helped pay for her and my sister an airbnb for a month while the house was getting ready , sent them money for food and transportation this all was happening while I was married , so of course at the time , I had more free money at the time .
Then a month later , my brother and his baby mama was getting into it , so he became homeless and left Kansas City to move to Houston to move in with my mother and sister . Once he moved in , every day , my mother is calling me complaining about my brother not helping out , not cleaning up behind himself , cursing him out , arguments daily , so she put him out a week later in the middle of a Texas summer . With literally has nowhere to go . So to help him out , I paid for him an airbnb for two months , sent him money for food and gas while he tries to look for work . Paid for his car to get fixed He eventually moved back to Kansas City with his baby mamba a few months later .
Now, once my brother leaves , my youngest sister decides to quit her job “due to her back issues” . She quits her job and decides she doesn’t want to work for a while . In the meantime She applies for unemployment , they deny her for about a month , so during this time I am helping her pay her portion of the rent , sending her money for food and gas , helping her with her resume etc . She eventually gets approved for unemployment , during this time , she looses her car due to not paying her car note , on top of that my mother and her are arguing every day over food , money , bills . Since my sister quit her job , my mother has had to pay the majority of the bills and so they are arguing every day over bills, food , her laziness and unwillingness to try and find a job , hygiene issues , etc , the list goes on .
This morning around 3:09 am ,, my mother calls me crying hysterically telling me she and my sister were arguing and fighting because my sister did refuses to help clean and she went crazy and broke up things in the house. Now keep in mind they have been living together for the past 10 years , and they have had several arguments and fights to where they have broken up furniture , actually put hands on each other , called the police and tried to have each other arrested . So when I got this call , I just figured it was another argument . My mother is crying and begging me to let my sister come stay with me or pay for her an hotel , because my sister threatened her . I told her I cannot financially help as I just got out of a divorce and have my own bills . Plus I am really tired of everyone asking for me for money all the time !! . I am sick of it .
I advise my mother to just evict my sister out the legall way and just leave her be until either she can evict my sister or move out herself . She gets mad at me and curses me out and tells me she never wants to talk to me again in life because I refused to pay for my 30 year old sister an airbnb or an hotel because she felt her life was in danger and I don’t care about her safety . I am literally heartbroken . I have been there for her and everyone else in every way possible and she had the audacity to be upset with me just because I won’t take my sister in , I am literally just appalled right now . I have given my family so much financial help and I am tapped out . Why when I try and instill boundaries suddenly I’m selfish , a bad person . Haven’t I helped out enough ? Am in in the wrong ?
Wow, this is a really stressful situation. It's totally understandable that you're feeling hurt and frustrated. You've bent over backwards to help your family, and it's not fair for your mom to lash out at you like that.
Here's the thing: setting boundaries is healthy, and you're not wrong for doing it. You've just gotten out of a divorce, and you need to focus on your own well-being for a while.
Maybe try talking to your mom again when things have calmed down. Explain that you love her and want to help, but you can't keep enabling this cycle. Perhaps suggest some resources that could help your sister find a job or get back on her feet.
As for your mom, it might be a good idea for her to consider if living with your sister is really working out. Maybe they could find separate places, or talk to a therapist about how to get along better.
Ultimately, you can't control their choices, but you can control yours. You've helped a lot already, and it's okay to say "no" now. Don't let their guilt trips manipulate you. Take care of yourself, and hopefully, things will settle down eventually.
I went through a similar situation with my mother and sister. No matter what you say or do, they're not going to change their behavior or ingratitude. You can't live the rest of your life in this situation. You are right to cut yourself off from them and work on your own therapy and start saving some money for yourself.
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Be brave; you can do it!