Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes, your feelings do matter. So it's for you to decide.
Which approach is going to make you feel better? Taking a stand on this and refusing to respond to your mother's new thing, and dealing with the fallout from that, or just going along with it?
Only you can decide which is best for you.
I guess I'll continue to do what I've been doing and just say it and do it when I want to. It's not like I'm stonewalling her.
LOL ... no, I don't want to control anybody. Although, I have a cousin and a nephew who are so worried about being controlled that I just have to give them what they're looking for. lol
My mom once asked me and my siblings to each write her a 'love' letter. It was nuts. I'm pretty sure none of us did. An ex-girlfriend of mine, who my mom treated like a daughter, wrote her a nice letter last year on my suggestion, but I don't think that was enough. It's never enough. lol
Of course, that's part of dealing with people like that. You laugh, but you are her son and your posts show you share the characteristic of wanting to control how people respond to you. If you are only 50, that's certainly something you can work on and learn to have control over, yourself.
However right now, the issue remains, as I said just above this post...your feelings and comfort level DO matter, so you are going to have to decide how to handle this, in a way that will reduce your stress over it.
If you take a stand, you will have to deal with the fallout. In time, the dust will settle, and hopefully you will have won, without any loss of good feeling with any family members. But it will be hard work.
If you train yourself to just accept this new idiosyncrasy of your mother's, you might find life more peaceful, but then you may start wondering, "since I gave in to this, what will she start next?"
Either way, your mother is hard work. That's just the way life is sometimes. Perhaps you might try some guided meditations before you go over there, to help keep you calm.
EDIT: Just saw your reply. I hope your choice gives you some peace. You CAN work on ways to help you get over the irritation giving in to her on this causes you.
It then becomes a negative experience if I don't give into her wants and needs. I'm tired of the 'you'll wish I was here to hug one day' guilt trip. Regardless of how many times I let her know I'm not into it, she comes at me. She has no regards for my feelings, it's all about what she wants.
Yes, I'll miss her when she's gone, she a good mother, but I'm not going to miss the awkward goodbyes. I have a wife to hug.
Anybody ever have a situation like this?
Yes, it started way before my parents were old. I always laughed to myself thinking, "Hmm, the only reason in this house you tell someone you love them is because you may never see them again? Don't want to waste one of those uncomfortable "I love yous" on just because."
And yes, it had to be a rule because the chilly Northern European culture my parents were from had real problems expressing their feelings. This was a genuine step up from the grandparents who wouldn't have said it until they were on their deathbeds. They were trying to give me something more than they had had.
Having now lost more than a few friends without warning my perspective has changed. I've learned to tell them the things I wish I'd said while they are still alive.
But I've never looked at it as a power struggle - them getting their way at my expense. It's been because I want to. It's never cost me anything to meet a good loved one's needs.
Maybe you can see it from her perspective, as a need from you?
Of course, that's part of dealing with people like that. You laugh, but you are her son and your posts show you share the characteristic of wanting to control how people respond to you. If you are only 50, that's certainly something you can work on and learn to have control over, yourself.
However right now, the issue remains, as I said just above this post...your feelings and comfort level DO matter, so you are going to have to decide how to handle this, in a way that will reduce your stress over it.
If you take a stand, you will have to deal with the fallout. In time, the dust will settle, and hopefully you will have won, without any loss of good feeling with any family members. But it will be hard work.
If you train yourself to just accept this new idiosyncrasy of your mother's, you might find life more peaceful, but then you may start wondering, "since I gave in to this, what will she start next?"
Either way, your mother is hard work. That's just the way life is sometimes. Perhaps you might try some guided meditations before you go over there, to help keep you calm.
EDIT: Just saw your reply. I hope your choice gives you some peace. You CAN work on ways to help you get over the irritation giving in to her on this causes you.
Please explain what you mean by 'characteristic of wanting to control how people respond to you.'
I would say it's a natural human trait to want to have control of one's life. I'm not unique.
Yes my point is, you can only control your life and your responses, not anyone else's. Your mother wants to control your responses, and you are balking at that. But your posts do have a tint of you feeling the same way, wanting to control how other people respond to you.
It's all part of life and living around other people, and the more you work on your own reactions to things and people in life, the easier it will get to let the chaff go.
LOL ... no, I don't want to control anybody. Although, I have a cousin and a nephew who are so worried about being controlled that I just have to give them what they're looking for. lol
My mom once asked me and my siblings to each write her a 'love' letter. It was nuts. I'm pretty sure none of us did. An ex-girlfriend of mine, who my mom treated like a daughter, wrote her a nice letter last year on my suggestion, but I don't think that was enough. It's never enough. lol
There you go, C. You can see everyone else's issue but your own. A few people here are trying to give you some perspective.
It might be worth looking inward instead of out for the awkward answer. But I think you already know it.
The easiest thing to do is to change the "I love you too" that you feel forced to say into "love you" or "luv ya" (if spelling it in your mind differently helps)
and just treat it like you're saying good morning or goodbye or have a good day or some other normal pleasantry.
I just don't see the big deal. If you use my suggestion she still gets to say it and you're just saying two syllables.
Yeah, as a non-Halmarky kind of guy I get kind of uncomfortable with all that. I see it happening, I hear it all the time, but I'm just not like that.
But then in my family no one ever said I love you. Never heard it once in my life. OK, so my life growing up was a little different from most folks, but that's the way it was.
In our social circle all us boy and girls hug each other good night all the time. Or we used to. I developed a thing for the wife of a friend, and she developed a thing for me. So we got to where when time for hugs came we just stood 4 feet apart and waved.....
It was kind of funny and I think maybe some people picked up on why Listener and Denise never hugged, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Oh, for christmas sakes, it's your mom! Just hug her and say "I love you" too. It makes her happy and isn't a big deal. Be a good person and just do it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
