Big problem in my new neighborhood (Jacksonville: transplants, school, live in)

[Chas863]

Originally Posted by KaylaN_78

Maybe Quora is the better place for a post like this but I am desperate for advice on how to deal with a big problem in my new city and neighborhood so I'll start here. Two months ago my hubby and I relocated to a new area near Jacksonville where everyone seems to know each other very well. At first things were nice in our neighborhood but after a month or so the problems started happening. Some of the neighbors around me started badmouthing another neighbor. At first I believed what they were saying but now I am starting to think this is all part of a game they're playing. Am I being used to outnumber the other neighbor? Nothing these neighbors have said about the other person is adding up and I'm now starting to regret our decision for moving here. Any advice on this? We moved from a much bigger city and weren't surrounded by neighbors there. I don't know what to do about this. Is this normal in neighborhoods or is ours just full of drama queens?

It's certainly not typical (as far as I know) in our Florida neighborhood. Maybe it's a female thing. I don't know.

Here's what I would do if faced with a similar situation: I'd listen quietly for a minute or two without agreeing with anything said. Then I'd make some mild comment such as "Well, that's too bad." Then, I'd quickly change the subject. If the neighbor persisted with the gossip, I'd excuse myself rather quickly and continue walking down the street or go back into the house or whatever to get out of there.

It won't take more than a couple of times of doing this before the neighbor figures out that you're not interested in taking sides in neighborhood squabbles. You don't have to be mean to them, but you don't have to agree with them either. Just remain non-committal regardless how hard they try to draw you in. They'll get the message... and likely think more of you for it because they'll know that you won't side with their enemy either. Just remain above the fray.

[DanielAvery]

Doesn't sound like you would want to be friends with these people anyway.

If another of them 'pins you down' to chat and lapses into gossip, just feign total disinterest. It's not interesting to hear stories about people you don't know, after all. Sprinkle in clueless remarks like "Who's that again?" or "Is that someone on the block?" to give the impression you're not really listening for comprehension, but just humoring them.

Best of all, if they get mad at you for not joining in, you can reply that "I was never very good at mean-spirited gossip even in junior high when most of us grew out of it."

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by KaylaN_78

It matters to me because this is our new home and I want to make friends. It's a big problem because I can't leave my house without another neighbor walking up and pretending to care about my dog but really wanting to take a jab at another neighbor. I agree that it's nonsense but I'd like to know if anybody else has had this problem and what you've done about it. Just shrugging it off and saying "who cares" is easy when you're not the one having to deal with it but it is an everyday thing here and I'm starting to think we made a big mistake moving into this neighborhood.

If you want to make friends, get involved in broader community activities in your city; join hobby groups, volunteer for charitable organizations, look at what MeetUp has to offer, and see if anything interests you. They usually have something for newcomers to get to know others in relation to a local activity, like sampling restaurants or coffee shops, or something.

Look outside your immediate neighborhood for friends. You're more likely to meet kindred spirits if you join groups that have the same interests as you, than if you try to befriend random people you've ended up as neighbors with. That makes sense, doesn't it?

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by DanielAvery

Best of all, if they get mad at you for not joining in, you can reply that "I was never very good at mean-spirited gossip even in junior high when most of us grew out of it."

That'll give them something to gossip about!

[Avalon08]

My mother always advised me not to get too friendly with the neighbors. We moved into a new house (she lived with me) and I ignored her advice, getting all friendly with everybody, going for coffee or to see their new wallpaper, and of course chit-chat and gossip. "How about that guy up the street who has a new car every other week?" (they were getting repo'd). Eventually, there were fallings-out between neighbors, including me. My neighbor got mad at ME because our kids had a fight. My mother was right. Keep your distance until you know the lay of the land.

I would definitely NOT advise using some of the suggested comments like "I was never very good at mean-spirited gossip", which come off very judgmental and will only cause them to hate YOU in addition to the other neighbor. I would do this:

Try not to spend a lot of time outside when they're out there.

If you are outside and see a gathering, wave hi and keep going.

If you get into a conversation with any of them, don't reveal too much info about yourself. Don't invite them over for coffee.

If they start gossiping, half-heartedly listen and then say something like, "Yeah...hmm, I don't know..." and then change the subject or better yet, dip out. Do NOT criticize them for gossiping.

Do NOT engage in the gossip or act weird to the neighbor they're ganging up against.

You've got to really get the lay of the land before figuring out who you want to be friends with. And yes, it's very common. Don't get frustrated, just try to distance yourself, without being too obvious about doing so.

[KaylaN_78]

Sounds like good advice. Thank you for this.

[KaylaN_78]

Thank you Hermit12!

[Thundarr457]

I would be interested in knowing where the OP moved from and what part of Jacksonville they are currently living. That might help to put things into perspective.

[bpollen]

Originally Posted by KaylaN_78

Maybe Quora is the better place for a post like this but I am desperate for advice on how to deal with a big problem in my new city and neighborhood so I'll start here. Two months ago my hubby and I relocated to a new area near Jacksonville where everyone seems to know each other very well. At first things were nice in our neighborhood but after a month or so the problems started happening. Some of the neighbors around me started badmouthing another neighbor. At first I believed what they were saying but now I am starting to think this is all part of a game they're playing. Am I being used to outnumber the other neighbor? Nothing these neighbors have said about the other person is adding up and I'm now starting to regret our decision for moving here. Any advice on this? We moved from a much bigger city and weren't surrounded by neighbors there. I don't know what to do about this. Is this normal in neighborhoods or is ours just full of drama queens?

Not a problem. Just don't participate and be friendly to everyone. They'll get the message.

These things are usually started & maintained by one or two strong personality households.

Just remember: That person who's badmouthing another neighbor, will likely be badmouthing you or someone else.

(However, there are exceptions: If a neighbor has been charged with a sex or theft crime, or something serious like that.)

[Lillie767]

Always remember that fences make good neighbors.





Sounds like this thread should be moved to Personal Relationships.


Has nothing to do with JAX or even Florida.