Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It is not a kind time for her. She has refused any sort of help for a few years. On top of the actual medical condition causing her demise, she stopped taking care of herself in general and is, to put it mildly, a mess in pretty much all areas of life. Her chronic depression compounds this 100-fold.
I am pretty good at processing grief over her imminent demise; it's not my first rodeo.
What I'm not good at--and what's not helpful to me at all--is sharing details with anyone else including some people very close to me. This is for a few reasons:
1. I don't like my family's life to be fodder for the gossip mill (this, to be fair, only applies to a couple people I choose not to share with)
2. Rehashing details and the play-by-play of what we're doing to handle things just serves to puff up my tendency toward anxiety.
3. I'm not ashamed of my mom. I know what her struggles were. But I prefer others to remember her in her better days, few though they were. I don't feel like sharing the details of her demise would serve as a cautionary or illustrative tale.
I had a family member and we had been estranged from each other for years. ( this was recently) i got a call from his wife that he was very sick. We reconnected for a few weeks until his death. I had a few people ask me about him during this time and other than very close family or friends, I just responded with, “ I really don’t feel comfortable talking about it. “
I don’t think an explanation or information about personal issues are open for discussion with people, just because they ask.
Some people are genuinely concerned and caring and others are just nosy.
I became pretty good at discerning the difference while my husband was going through cancer treatment. He started with colon cancer and I talked with anyone who asked, trying to raise awareness, etc. Then, as the cancer spread to his lungs, his health worsened, our lives became much harder, and I didn't have the energy to think about anything other than caring for him. As the cancer overtook his brain, I had absolutely no desire to talk about all the things that he was going through with people who weren't able to fully understand it. The few times I did, I was met with comments like, "Oh, I can't even imagine!" or "You're so strong to deal with this." Neither of those sentiments are helpful, even though people are trying to be kind. I found myself feeling very raw and out-of-this-world anxious.
It's very difficult to go through what your mom is going through right now, and staying private about it is part of self-preservation for you, which you deserve. I think social media has given people expectations of a "right to know" about every aspect of our lives and it didn't used to be that way. This is one of the things that absolutely can stay private for your sake and your mother's sake, in my opinion.
I'm really sorry your mom is at the end of her life. I wish peace for you both.
All in all, I related to what you're going through -- I really do!
My mother's sisters started telling me and my father what to do in subtle ways after her stroke, but over time, they decided to back off (except one).
One home nurse got into my business and started playing mind games with me (long story). My father knew what was going on, too. The said nurse chose me and not my father. On her first visit to the house, she says halfway into her conversation, "By the way, you texted me and told me to have a nice vacation...I can show you the text if you like." I said I really don't know what you're talking about. I then quickly remembered that the other home nurse had gone on vacation a few days before, so I had indeed wished for a nurse to have a nice vacation by text. I replied to the accusation by saying, "The text was meant for another nurse who just went on vacation." The weird nurse laughed and said, "Oh... really?" From there on on out, it was never good. We could have gotten another nurse, but it would have been a major inconvenience because she was closest and could get her blood draws dropped off for testing faster than the others.
By the way, the rest of my mother's home nurses were fine, for the most part.
Take good care of yourself, and stick to your guns.
I can relate.
I found saying "I really don't want to talk about it" when people start asking questions usually works. I also immediatly ask them( as sort of a change of subject) if they have any nice stories they would like to share that they can remember from years ago. It stumps some of them.
If you're not inside of it or at least have experienced it one's self, you can feel bad for a person but you won't really get it.
Only my bf's two sons and I know the details of what caregiving for my bf entailed. It's like a weird nightmare that lasted more than a year and that we never quite feel we woke up from. Those details could not be related to anyone else in a way that they could understand, and that includes his siblings. They loved him, he was their big brother, but they never knew quite how to be when they came to see him in his hospital bed. Plus, he would loudly say, "GOOD BYE" after ten minutes lol.
If you're not inside of it or at least have experienced it one's self, you can feel bad for a person but you won't really get it.
.
Exactly! It's impossible.
My mother's sisters never did get it because none of them have been full-time caretakers. They came to see their sister (my mother), but they never knew what my father and I were going through day in, day out.
Reliving the caretaking days in my mind is just as bad, if not worse, than her death (her mind was completely gone when she died, as the sepsis destroyed her already fragile brain from the stroke and seizures).
I know you get it, Mightyqueen. The caretaking days take my breath away. I don't know my Dad and I managed to survive it without putting my mother in a care home.
Healing from grief/caretaking is a journey. I have a lot of anger these days.
Take good care of yourself.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
