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It has been 6 months since I lost my husband/best friend/the Love of my Life. We were usually on the same wavelength, thinking the same thing at the same time. We rarely fought. We joked about having our semiannual argument, but it was often less than that.
I was part of a binary system- two planets hold each other in place. But now that other body is not there and I don't feel grounded. I feel so lost. There are days where I don't know what to do.
I now live alone in a big house. I don't drive (I am legally blind) and I don't work. So I am home all day, most days. I try to keep myself busy by decluttering the house. Well, decluttering my stuff. I haven't really touched his stuff. (It took me I don't know how many weeks before I was able to wash our sheets. I know it sounds like an eww. I sure there are people here will understand it.) I am also doing retail therapy. But most of the stuff I am buying is for the house. Before, I would ask his opinion on what I buy. Now, I don't have that second opinion.
I try to read 10 books a year. I had finished 3 and was on #4 when...I haven't been able to read since. I tried. One book, I couldn't even get through the intro. I am just gonna have to forgive myself for not reaching my annual goal.
I don't have any kids of my own but I have 4 stepkids & 8 grandkids. The closest is an hour & a half away. For Thanksgiving, we celebrated at a restaurant close by. I offered here. They made every excuse except the real one. He isn't here. By not coming here they can continue to live in denial unlike me. And my stepdaughter offered to host Christmas even though I already did.
I have a dear friend who has become my chauffeur. She takes me to the grocery store every week. Sometimes we do other things together. She is also my massage therapist.
I am picking up all of the things he did-taking out the garbage, watering the plants, and cooking. That is the hardest. Half the time I don't cook-I just nosh. The only thing that delivers here is pizza. It is taking me a while to realize I can do whatever I want and when I want. Early this morning, I had to remind myself that I could turn on the light to find something.
I cry everyday. I don't hold back the tears. I have cried as I go grocery shopping, I have cried when I was scheduling my mammogram, I cried when I took my cats to the vet for their annuals, and I have cried talking to family & friends on the phone. I almost made it through one day without crying but then the tears came about quarter to midnight.
When people ask me how I am doing, I tell them, "I'm ok. Not great but ok. One day at a time."
I have put sticky notes all over the house that says "Just Keep Swimming."
So it has been 6 months. It seems like it was just yesterday but yet it seems like it has been forever. I am amazed at all the things that has happened since he left us. And all the things I wanted to talk to him about.
Thank you for letting share my thoughts. And I will continue to Just Keep Swimming.
I’m very sorry the love of your life has passed. Soon the posters here who have suffered a similar loss will pop in to offer support. I like that, “Just Keep Swimming”. It’s so healthy that you don’t hold back the tears.
I agree with winterbird. It's super healthy in my opinion to be honest with oneself and to let the feelings, and tears, just flow as they come up.
Wow, only six months. I am so sorry you're going through this.
You know what I remember? I remember that every time I walked into our bathroom, for some weird reason I felt so glum and full of memories. It took me MONTHS to realize that part of my issue was that I still had a sign up in there that reminded me of him. I didn't even realize it, but as soon as I took it down, I felt a lot better. I couldn't stand to see his things laying about like he was coming home any minute. He was never coming home again. I needed personally to accept that.
op, that was a great read, i felt like part of your "swimming."
i have always kept moving forward, in business, in grief, in everyday life, no matter the circumstances, i knew the only way to thrive or sometimes to even survive, was to "just keep swimming."
thank you for sharing, i know it will help others and i hope it helps you too.
I couldn't read for a long time, maybe all that first year and even afterward. For me, the third year was a huge part of a resurgence of ME. I am reading like crazy now.
It's been 19 months since Mike died. The second year has been much, much harder. I did a decent job of "swimming" that first year, but I've been floundering for the past several months. The holidays are making things worse.
I hope that you continue to keep a positive attitude while you move onward, one day at a time. Just do the best you can. It will be enough. This has been the most difficult experience of my life, but I'm still trying.
About a month ago, out of nowhere, I wondered what had happened to you. I used to see, read your posts often. It was obvious that something was up. Welcome to the club that most hope to never have to join.
About a month ago, out of nowhere, I wondered what had happened to you. I used to see, read your posts often. It was obvious that something was up. Welcome to the club that most hope to never have to join.
The thing is, this isn't my first rodeo. I also lost my first husband but it was a totally different situation. I had filed for divorce from him about a few weeks before he passed away.
So sorry for your loss, Catwoman. Here today, gone tomorrow. Life on earth is weird. I tell that to my wife every day, numerous times. I'm sure she knows already.
We all grieve differently. Finding a good griefwork group is a challenge, if you're into such things.
You have your cats. That's a big plus in my book. I don't know what I'd do with no kitties around.
One day at a time. Someone dies first. The other one pushes on, onward onward.
To the op, I used your “just keep swimming “ today to discuss a recent cancer diagnosis with a friend. ( I am a 13 year survivor, trying to help those with the overwhelming news of the “evil c,”)
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That's a big plus in my book. I don't know what I'd do with no kitties around. 