Is it wrong to never go to funerals or viewings of loved ones?
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I, personally, don't like going to funerals. I'm finding that going to funerals is not something that's being done to support the living, but as some sort of status symbol. People spend massive amounts of money on flowers that are either thrown away, or donated somewhere, after the funeral service. They show up just to put in an appearance and, a lot of the people at funerals, don't even know the deceased or their family members. A lot of them will give food to the deceased family that will end up being thrown away. I'm sure a lot more could be added to the list.
I like the idea of sending cards, and/or notes, to the family members of the deceased. I think it means a lot more for someone to take the time to write out a card showing what the deceased person meant to them, etc.
Death, including funerals, was very matter of fact, when I was a child being brought up Catholic.
I'm non-Catholic for decades now but think their attitude towards death is a good one.
I have requested "no funeral" for myself but a good obituary would be nice.
At my grandmothers funeral the officiant (non-religious) kept mispronouncing her name.
Her aged siblings, spouses and family members came which was appreciated.
The after-funeral meal was more important than the funeral itself, to talk to relatives and reconnect.
I have heard also that they are not for the dead, but that they are for those that need "closure". I don't think anyone that doesn't feel they need "closure" or even "support" should feel obligated or that in any way it is necessary to go. I am seeing fewer and fewer the funerals replaced by usually cremation and a private ceremony.
As a child, my brother and myself had to go with our parents to take Grandma and Grandpa to funerals. These were generally a couple of hours away to where they had resided when younger. I never really got it.
Viewers touching the deceased and talking about how well they were done up.
I remember viewing a two month old, born early, so not a two month old term baby. She was the daughter of one of my cousins. I was probably about 7 years old at the time, and the image is still clear in my head over 60 years later.
The saddest part about some of the funerals, especially that of my grandma's was that so many people showed up, and it didn't make a difference for grandma at that point. Grandma sat alone as a widow for a few years, and not one of those pawing her over and checking to see who sent flower had bothered to visit. I remember sitting there as a 13 year old thinking what a farce the whole thing was.
So, I am with the OP on this. Life is too short to do unnecessary things that make no sense to one. I was with Grandma when she could appreciate it.
I also think that no one should be "obligated" to go to a funeral. If someone is close to you.....you should want to be there to support them, in their time of sorrow.
As a child, I attended 3 wakes and funerals, for grandparents. Back then it was a three day affair, with two days of wakes, and then the funeral. After the funeral, we would all go to a restaurant for a nice meal. Everyone, was exhausted for days after. And yes, my mom would talk about how nice the deceased looked. It`s good that funerals, are a lot simpler now, but I think it is nice to be there for someone, who has lost someone that they loved.
I don't think it's jerky to not go, but I do think it's positive to go. It's not for the dead person, it's to support the close surviving loved ones. Feeling that others will also miss and remember your loved one can bring a lot of comfort. There can be something painful about a death going...unmarked. Like, poof, the person is gone and life is just going on as usual.
I do think it's a jerk move to ignore the death altogether and not reach out to those close to the person at all, though. Even just to send a card or flowers. It's very lonely to have lost someone, especially after the funeral is over and the administrativa is done.
Death, including funerals, was very matter of fact, when I was a child being brought up Catholic.
I'm non-Catholic for decades now but think their attitude towards death is a good one.
I have requested "no funeral" for myself but a good obituary would be nice.
At my grandmothers funeral the officiant (non-religious) kept mispronouncing her name.
Her aged siblings, spouses and family members came which was appreciated.
The after-funeral meal was more important than the funeral itself, to talk to relatives and reconnect.
My friend's mom wanted to be cremated and have a funeral service in a Catholic church, but no viewing. Instead, she said gather together, play music, and raise a glass to my memory.
So she did the church service, and after had a light brunch for the other ladies who lived in her senior residence, then at 5 pm we all brought food, put on the music, and had a party. Her mom loved to dance, right into her mid-80s, and the granddaughters danced all night to their Abuela's Cuban music. It was fun, but SHE was always fun. Great send-off.
I have heard also that they are not for the dead, but that they are for those that need "closure". I don't think anyone that doesn't feel they need "closure" or even "support" should feel obligated or that in any way it is necessary to go. I am seeing fewer and fewer the funerals replaced by usually cremation and a private ceremony.
As a child, my brother and myself had to go with our parents to take Grandma and Grandpa to funerals. These were generally a couple of hours away to where they had resided when younger. I never really got it.
Viewers touching the deceased and talking about how well they were done up.
I remember viewing a two month old, born early, so not a two month old term baby. She was the daughter of one of my cousins. I was probably about 7 years old at the time, and the image is still clear in my head over 60 years later.
The saddest part about some of the funerals, especially that of my grandma's was that so many people showed up, and it didn't make a difference for grandma at that point. Grandma sat alone as a widow for a few years, and not one of those pawing her over and checking to see who sent flower had bothered to visit. I remember sitting there as a 13 year old thinking what a farce the whole thing was.
So, I am with the OP on this. Life is too short to do unnecessary things that make no sense to one. I was with Grandma when she could appreciate it.
I feel the same, nowadays.
Regarding people showing up for the funeral who don't show up any
other time, that's another reason why I hesitate to attend funerals
involving those I never really kept in touch with otherwise—even if
they’re relatives. I would feel kind of insincere—if not somewhat vulture-
ish—suddenly showing up to visit when a death is involved when I had
never really engaged much with them at any other time.
This is also why I don't visit my loved ones’ grave-sites anymore. My
loved ones aren't there; in fact, a couple of them seem to have left clues
(postmortem) that they’re very much with me and not at a cemetery.
The cemetery, the urn, the casket – those are the last places to go
looking for them, in my experience. If they’re at the graveyard, it would
most likely be because they followed me there; it’s not their home-base.
I realize the funeral is for those left behind, of which I would be one
(until my time comes). Those left behind are free to choose how they
want to process the death. For some, a funeral is the way to do so. For
others, not so much. Ideally, each one should be free to decide for
themselves how they want to handle it, without getting grief (pardon the
pun) from others.
I, personally, don't like going to funerals. I'm finding that going to funerals is not something that's being done to support the living, but as some sort of status symbol. People spend massive amounts of money on flowers that are either thrown away, or donated somewhere, after the funeral service. They show up just to put in an appearance and, a lot of the people at funerals, don't even know the deceased or their family members. A lot of them will give food to the deceased family that will end up being thrown away. I'm sure a lot more could be added to the list.
I like the idea of sending cards, and/or notes, to the family members of the deceased. I think it means a lot more for someone to take the time to write out a card showing what the deceased person meant to them, etc.
I agree with everything you've written, especially the bolded. Too often I've heard people critique a funeral. " It was a good funeral". "They should have had music".
How people manage to arrange elaborate slide shows and have a number of people get up to speak is beyond me.
And why people would want to look at a body in a casket is also beyond me. Especially a body that has been ravaged by illness. And some people feel compelled to say how the laid out body looked.
I feel that the best way to honor the deceased is to follow their wishes as to what they wanted in the way of remembrance. I've seen families completely disregard their loved ones wishes with this " funerals for the living" idea.
No funeral for me. Didn't have one for my husband either. We felt that if you didn't visit or call when we were alive, don't bother now. I send a sympathy card if someone dies, but will not attend the wake.
Friend's elderly relative passed (97) her sister had a wake and expensive funeral because that was what she planned (40 years ago). When she died she had dementia. $21K.
I agree with everything you've written, especially the bolded. Too often I've heard people critique a funeral. " It was a good funeral". "They should have had music".
How people manage to arrange elaborate slide shows and have a number of people get up to speak is beyond me.
And why people would want to look at a body in a casket is also beyond me. Especially a body that has been ravaged by illness. And some people feel compelled to say how the laid out body looked.
I feel that the best way to honor the deceased is to follow their wishes as to what they wanted in the way of remembrance. I've seen families completely disregard their loved ones wishes with this " funerals for the living" idea.
The funeral home will do the slide show - you just give them the pictures.
For my mom, I had been working on a family slide show with all the old pictures. I am into genealogy.
So when she passed - it was already done.
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