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I lost my oldest sister in 2008 when she was 54 due to a heart issue (not a heart attack). I wasn't really close to her but her death hit me really hard. I was also dealing with menopause so I don't know if the hormones intensified the grief or if the grief intensified the hormones. Either way, the results were the same and it wasn't pretty. I was also dealing with my husband having prostate cancer at the time.
I think I was feeling guilty because I wasn't very close to her and basically only saw her flaws rather than her finer points. But she is my sister and I love her and miss her very much.
Cat
I hear you. February 24 will be 18 years for my older brother. Pain in the ass. Got me in trouble all the time when we were kids, used to steal from my piggy bank, grew up to do drugs and steal from the whole family. Then he straightened out when he became a father, and the rest of his life was all about working to take care of his daughter. Still was a pain in the ass, but he had something good to keep going for.
His past caught up to him--turned out he had picked up hep C in his heroin days in his 20s, and it killed him at 51.
Four years ago our mother died. When we went to sell her house, turned out there was a lien against it, an $1800 hospital bill my mother had signed for on his behalf that he'd never paid. We just told the lawyer to pay it and move forward. SOB got us one last time!
In 2021 i lost my little brother to gun violence, our moms bestfriends son who we sort of considered a god brother, "accidentally" shot him in the chest whilst pointing the gun at him. he was only 15 years old. i was 16. Me and him were together everyday for our entire lives and now hes just gone. everything me and him experienced and been through is now only my memories. memories i onced shared. in 6 days he would have been 18, and would have graduated high school in May of this year. theres so many his own milestones that he wont be here for but me and my family will celebrate without him & its all too much for me. when someone dies really young its like their life didnt end there as opposed to most, and i think thats the hard part for me. he should be here for this. losing a younger sibling you feel a sense of guilt, because you were supposed to leave first essentially. i feel guilty that ill be here for his 18th and he wont. i miss my brother everyday, somedays i look at his picture and smile, the next i cry.
I am so sorry for your terrible loss, savannah.
It seems perfectly normal that you are still acutely grieving, 2021 is not that long ago and, as you said, there are so many milestones that he would have experienced if he was still alive.
I think it's perfectly okay for you to hold him and his memory close forever. Talk to him when you look at his picture, share what's going on in your life with him. But at the same time, go forward and live your best life.. you can only share with him as best as you can in your thoughts. You can not change the reality.
I hear you. February 24 will be 18 years for my older brother. Pain in the ass. Got me in trouble all the time when we were kids, used to steal from my piggy bank, grew up to do drugs and steal from the whole family. Then he straightened out when he became a father, and the rest of his life was all about working to take care of his daughter. Still was a pain in the ass, but he had something good to keep going for.
His past caught up to him--turned out he had picked up hep C in his heroin days in his 20s, and it killed him at 51.
Four years ago our mother died. When we went to sell her house, turned out there was a lien against it, an $1800 hospital bill my mother had signed for on his behalf that he'd never paid. We just told the lawyer to pay it and move forward. SOB got us one last time!
But I still miss him. There were good times, too.
My sister wasn't anything like that. As her ex described her, she was high maintenance. I remember one time how she was whining because money was tight and she wouldn't be able to have her nails done. One of her daughters has inherited her mother's love of herself.
In 2021 i lost my little brother to gun violence, our moms bestfriends son who we sort of considered a god brother, "accidentally" shot him in the chest whilst pointing the gun at him. he was only 15 years old. i was 16. Me and him were together everyday for our entire lives and now hes just gone. everything me and him experienced and been through is now only my memories. memories i onced shared. in 6 days he would have been 18, and would have graduated high school in May of this year. theres so many his own milestones that he wont be here for but me and my family will celebrate without him & its all too much for me. when someone dies really young its like their life didnt end there as opposed to most, and i think thats the hard part for me. he should be here for this. losing a younger sibling you feel a sense of guilt, because you were supposed to leave first essentially. i feel guilty that ill be here for his 18th and he wont. i miss my brother everyday, somedays i look at his picture and smile, the next i cry.
What a horrible tragedy for you and your family to endure. I am so sorry.
I wish peace and healing for all that were affected by this awful tragedy.
It will take time, sometimes lots of time, just take it one day at a time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
February 9th will be the 19th anniversary of my sister’s death. She was 13 years older than me & my only sibling. Due to our parents, our relationship was complex. But she was the only person who I could pick up a conversation from months before, and we knew exactly what the other person was talking about. She was the only person who truly “got†me, in a way that my spouse or child do not. No one made me laugh like she did.
I’m getting old, & I miss talking to her so much. I just thought she would always be around. It’s been really lonely without her.
I lost my younger brother to cancer a few years ago. He was three years younger than me, so sometimes we went to school together and sometimes we didn't, but we were always, always close, and became closer before he was diagnosed with cancer thankfully (pancreatic cancer, what a killer). Anyway, though he lived several states away, we visited each other often and I can't believe sometimes that he is just gone from this earth.
One thing that struck me is how stoic and quiet he was, so I knew he hadn't told his kids some of the stupid things we used to do together, like eating Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries cereal till the roofs of our mouths literally bled, and watching Saturday morning cartoons together (at the same time). It hit me, "If I don't tell his kids about this, when I die, all those memories will die with me, like they just never happened, BUT THEY DID." So I made sure I shared those memories and others with them. I think it made a difference to them. I did share some of those with him before he died too, thankfully, but not all of them. I wish now that I had.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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I have lost two siblings (there were 9 of us kids) and both parents. For me the first was the worst, a brother two years younger who was closest to me. He was hit head on by a drunk driver and at the time was only 36. He and I were both musical, and played several instruments. He played standup bass in a band, and was on the way to a gig when he was hit.
I played 5-string banjo and mandolin, and we often would jam together as kids until I moved out, then just a few times a year. Since his death I haven't picked up any instrument, and that was 1991. I think of him often.
When I lost my sister to a major heart attack in 2013 at age 51, it was sad but she was 10 years younger and we never had much in common. The worst part was when she was on life support and as the oldest sibling there I had to make the decision to pull the plug (with the agreement of the others).
For both it was the suddenness that made it worse, with no time to prepare and say goodbye.
Both parents are deceased, my Dad in 1995, Mom just last month at age 95. For both being old and sick much before, the gradual decline made it more bearable, and in fact it helped to know that it ended suffering.
Now I have 3 adult kids and 3 grandchildren, and I can't imagine anything worse than to lose either.
I lost my younger brother to cancer a few years ago. He was three years younger than me, so sometimes we went to school together and sometimes we didn't, but we were always, always close, and became closer before he was diagnosed with cancer thankfully (pancreatic cancer, what a killer). Anyway, though he lived several states away, we visited each other often and I can't believe sometimes that he is just gone from this earth.
One thing that struck me is how stoic and quiet he was, so I knew he hadn't told his kids some of the stupid things we used to do together, like eating Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries cereal till the roofs of our mouths literally bled, and watching Saturday morning cartoons together (at the same time). It hit me, "If I don't tell his kids about this, when I die, all those memories will die with me, like they just never happened, BUT THEY DID." So I made sure I shared those memories and others with them. I think it made a difference to them. I did share some of those with him before he died too, thankfully, but not all of them. I wish now that I had.
the part about the memories, that is so, so true. we do need to share more with family. (and friends)
i met a lot of cancer patients in my cancer journey 13 years ago and i only know of one that has still survived pancreatic cancer.
the part about the memories, that is so, so true. we do need to share more with family. (and friends)
i met a lot of cancer patients in my cancer journey 13 years ago and i only know of one that has still survived pancreatic cancer.
It's a terrible, terrible killer. I am so sorry you only know one. I would bet that his or her cancer wasn't more than say a stage 2. Which is sort of hard to diagnose. I know that my brother thought for the longest time that he just had indigestion when what he really had was pancreatic cancer. How I wish he'd gone to the doctor sooner but I get why he didn't. Ugh!
Back to the memories - I remember when my grandmother died and she had only shared a very few memories of her mother and father and brothers, and they were all just gone, gone, gone. I hope that by sharing a few memories of my brother that he still lives on but honestly, who knows? My point I guess is SHARE THE MEMORIES. I still remember my grandmother telling me about HER MOTHER who read a book to and from carrying buckets of food to the men in the field. She had two buckets over each arm and she was barefoot most of the year and read to and from the fields, and never missed a step because she knew the trail so well, which really resonated with me because I absolutely love to read and that was a connection to the great grandmother I never knew. i would bet that all the times she did that she never knew that her great granddaughter would remember those treks. So I really hope that my nieces and nephews remember what I told them about their dad. Who knows?
the part about the memories, that is so, so true. we do need to share more with family. (and friends)
i met a lot of cancer patients in my cancer journey 13 years ago and i only know of one that has still survived pancreatic cancer.
Pancreatic cancer took my dad. It also took my brother-in-law's brother (or my sister's brother-in-law). Lung cancer took my husband.
Cat
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