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When I was younger, I was fundamentalist Christian who was pretty active in Campus Crusade for Christ as well as well as the young man's Bible Study and the local young adults group at my Church.
During that time, the youth pastor was single and quite popular with the young women in our church. There were a lot of young women kind of smitten with the prestige they associated with being a pastor's wife. That is one aspect to the role, but I don't think that this is an easy life.
Now the reason I mention this is that as I was reading through this thread there were some comments that I thought were some mixture of harsh and unfair (and some that I actually agreed with). But more importantly to me to than the actual comments themselves were your reaction to these comments.
Few people are judged as harshly as the family of a pastor, maybe the family of the president gets more criticism nationwide, but being in the position of the pastor's wife is inviting your life to be scrutinized by every member of the Church. A lot of the comments you are going to receive in this role are going to be unfair. Members of the church have more history with his first wife and many will find you lacking and their criticism will be both unfounded and unfair and you will just have to grin and bare it.
You may be a very lovely lady and you may really love this pastor. (I hope you do love this man and I really hope you are both happy together.) But think long and hard about how you feel about unfair and unfounded attacks on your character. Because I think this is just an aspect of this role as a pastor's wife. If you aren't willing to accept that with grace and charm, really think about whether you really want to be a pastor's wife. It's not an easy life.
When I was younger, I was fundamentalist Christian who was pretty active in Campus Crusade for Christ as well as well as the young man's Bible Study and the local young adults group at my Church.
During that time, the youth pastor was single and quite popular with the young women in our church. There were a lot of young women kind of smitten with the prestige they associated with being a pastor's wife. That is one aspect to the role, but I don't think that this is an easy life.
Now the reason I mention this is that as I was reading through this thread there were some comments that I thought were some mixture of harsh and unfair (and some that I actually agreed with). But more importantly to me to than the actual comments themselves were your reaction to these comments.
Few people are judged as harshly as the family of a pastor, maybe the family of the president gets more criticism nationwide, but being in the position of the pastor's wife is inviting your life to be scrutinized by every member of the Church. A lot of the comments you are going to receive in this role are going to be unfair. Members of the church have more history with his first wife and many will find you lacking and their criticism will be both unfounded and unfair and you will just have to grin and bare it.
You may be a very lovely lady and you may really love this pastor. (I hope you do love this man and I really hope you are both happy together.) But think long and hard about how you feel about unfair and unfounded attacks on your character. Because I think this is just an aspect of this role as a pastor's wife. If you aren't willing to accept that with grace and charm, really think about whether you really want to be a pastor's wife. It's not an easy life.
Thanks you. I really appreciate your post. I’m well prepared for what will come.
Last edited by Marblecake53; Yesterday at 10:18 PM..
Personally, with both folks having more years behind them rather than in front of them, I think its silly to expect either of them to just stop talking about their former partners and I don't think there's a way to gracefully ask him to stop. She was a huge part of his life as well as the congregations. But if you can't accept that (and I think that'd be a shame) than don't get married. You'll both be unhappy.
This was my take as well. I don't know how you possibly tell a widower not to talk about his wife so often although if I were in her shoes it would start to wear on me for sure. So the OP really has a decision to make, is this constant talking about his wife a deal breaker?
The Pastor's Wife is almost a position in the church, although unofficial. It's not a leadership position but it is most certainly a servant position with lots of duties and very little authority. It's good to keep that in mind going forward.
I was on the Pastor-Parish Relations committee for several years, a word to the wise: pray to be given the patience of a saint. Even the pastor serves under the direction of the parish and expectations of the conduct of the entire family are high.
Understanding and accepting the culture of a church is essential for good relations between the pastor's (new) wife and the congregation. The people of this church are probably mourning the loss of the pastor's wife almost as much as he is. Gracious acknowledgement of big shoes to fill is the kind, not mention smart, response to this challenging position within the church.
Rather than becoming irritated at the frequent mention of Pastor's deceased wife, embrace her presence, speak of her yourself in positive terms. seek her actions as guidance for yourself.
A suggestion if relevant: volunteer to teach Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, Fellowship Hall Wednesday Night Suppers, etc. without expecting to be in charge at first, unless asked, ie. make yourself useful. If you're already doing one or more of these things, great!
The "negative" reaction you received from several posters to your initial post indicating a desire to move the BIG portrait of the Pastor's wife, now deceased, is probably a good indication of how the congregation would react to such a request as well.
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