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TLDR: Can you help my partner and I define what constitutes “dating”?
My partner is someone who has always used cheating as a way out of relationships. We hit a rough patch and she almost did the same thing to me- she had a crush on her supervisor at work who definitely reciprocated those feelings and They started hanging out, texting, talking, flirting.. She invited me out with them a few times (I suspect she either likes the energy dynamic of two guys who are into her at the table together or she was trying to show me I didn’t need to worry about him) and I picked up on the vibe but wasn’t worried.
The trouble started when she lied to Me about going to his house for a massage. I caught her and she came clean. She said she almost cheated on me but stopped herself. After that they continued to hang out one on one behind my back. They’d go for walks together, out for dinner and drinks, hiking, etc. she confided in him about our marriage problems and they talked about his sex life. She showed me text messages of him “struggling to keep his messages appropriate”, talking about how good the hug and back rubbing felt, how his jacket smells like her perfume.
When this all came to light I was pretty upset. I feel like this was an affair even if they didn’t have sex. My wife is insistent it wasn’t an affair and they weren’t going on dates because these are all things that she does or would do with her other single male friends and that all of those guys would have sex with her if she let them so the crush part doesn’t matter either. I confronted the guy, chewed him out and told him exactly what I think of him. He sat back and took it then later complained to my wife about how I spoke to him.
I know it’s petty, but can I get a judgement call here? Was this an affair? Were they dating for those few weeks?
She’s told me that she doesn’t have a crush on him anymore and they still hang out 1 on 1, but now she will tell me when they do. I don’t like it but she’s not someone to care what I think or feel as long as she believes what she’s doing isn’t wrong.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,718,665 times
Reputation: 41376
Even if they didn’t smash, their behavior was fully inviting it to happen knowing full well you two were in a compromised state in your marriage. That’s just as bad IMO if they had a straight FWB relationship.
When this all came to light I was pretty upset. I feel like this was an affair even if they didn’t have sex. My wife is insistent it wasn’t an affair and they weren’t going on dates because these are all things that she does or would do with her other single male friends and that all of those guys would have sex with her if she let them so the crush part doesn’t matter either. I confronted the guy, chewed him out and told him exactly what I think of him. He sat back and took it then later complained to my wife about how I spoke to him.
What a wuss. He complained to mommy instead of taking responsibility, and changing his ways?
RE: the underlined: why is she hanging out with single male friends who want to have sex with her? Does she understand the concept of a committed relationship? Or she figures, as long as she draws and enforces the line, it's ok? How do you feel about that?
Where is your relationship headed? How long have you been together, and have you talked about what you two want for the future? Do you want a marriage with a bunch of single guys in it who want to have sex with your wife?
Your gf isn't ready for commitment. That should be your takeaway here,IMO. It's not about arguing over the definition of "dating" and "cheating". That is just a distraction from the reality of your relationship. Face the reality and decide whether you want to walk or stay. It sounds like you're not happy about the way things are, so....
She’s told me that she doesn’t have a crush on him anymore and they still hang out 1 on 1, but now she will tell me when they do. I don’t like it but she’s not someone to care what I think or feel as long as she believes what she’s doing isn’t wrong.
The whole first part of your post is a huge problem, but the bolded is major. You're saying that your partner ignores your feelings and doesn't care how her behavior affects you. Why are you with such a person?
The whole first part of your post is a huge problem, but the bolded is major. You're saying that your partner ignores your feelings and doesn't care how her behavior affects you. Why are you with such a person?
Yes, this is cheating. They are having an emotional affair that has become intimate and physical, because of the massage and being alone together. Sex is a minor detail when these boundaries have already been crossed.
For your sanity, it’s time to move out and legally separate from her. She doesn’t care about your marriage or your feelings any more.
On 2nd thought, she probably lied and already slept with him..
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