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I'm not going to make assumptions about the nature of the OP, everyone here had a first post at some point. But yeah to me this sounds like she is lying about the nature of this relationship, trying to manage you and continue this, that it is totally an affair. She is making a lot of mistakes here, and sooner or later one or all will bite her in the backside.
I am not one who believes that it's wrong to have friends of the gender that you're attracted to...I'm bi, if I lived by that rule, I couldn't have friends at all!... And I have never cared if my male friends had sexy thoughts about me as long as they kept it to themselves and kept things appropriate. I am not the thought or eyeball police. But I do keep a lot of boundaries...I mean, I learned before I got out of high school that if I allow myself to be in a private space alone with a straight man, there are high chances he's going to at least try to make a move. Generally I avoid doing that, unless I know the guy VERY well and have established very solidly a "friends & family" kind of vibe with him...and I mean, I have known him for years, and the terms of our interactions are crystal clear and there is very high trust. That rare exception will generally also be someone that my husband knows well, trusts, and is comfortable with. And it tends to be a man I have no sexy feelings for.
A massage in a private location like his home? Uh...yeah, I would struggle to believe that did not lead to sex. Or that she agreed to it with no intention of entertaining the possibility at least.
Beyond what she is doing fooling around on her relationship, messing with a work supervisor is a whole other problem. I hope that one or both is willing to lose that job. Also...if a woman is confiding in others (especially a man she's seeing a lot) about problems in her relationship, she's talking herself into leaving you. She's processing and building a case for it in her head. That relationship is walking dead already, ya'll should just look for a way to end it that does the least possible damage to both of you at this point.
Is the guy a massage therapist? I ask because she went to get a massage from him. Even if he was I'd still consider that cheating knowing all the other information you shared.
Tough love here but grow a pair, brother. Divorce her now and find someone who understands what a marriage means.
The whole first part of your post is a huge problem, but the bolded is major. You're saying that your partner ignores your feelings and doesn't care how her behavior affects you. Why are you with such a person?
She must be hot, which would explain why all those guy friends AND her boss want to have sex with her.
TLDR: Can you help my partner and I define what constitutes “dating”?
My partner is someone who has always used cheating as a way out of relationships. We hit a rough patch and she almost did the same thing to me- she had a crush on her supervisor at work who definitely reciprocated those feelings and They started hanging out, texting, talking, flirting.. She invited me out with them a few times (I suspect she either likes the energy dynamic of two guys who are into her at the table together or she was trying to show me I didn’t need to worry about him) and I picked up on the vibe but wasn’t worried.
The trouble started when she lied to Me about going to his house for a massage. I caught her and she came clean. She said she almost cheated on me but stopped herself. After that they continued to hang out one on one behind my back. They’d go for walks together, out for dinner and drinks, hiking, etc. she confided in him about our marriage problems and they talked about his sex life. She showed me text messages of him “struggling to keep his messages appropriate”, talking about how good the hug and back rubbing felt, how his jacket smells like her perfume.
When this all came to light I was pretty upset. I feel like this was an affair even if they didn’t have sex. My wife is insistent it wasn’t an affair and they weren’t going on dates because these are all things that she does or would do with her other single male friends and that all of those guys would have sex with her if she let them so the crush part doesn’t matter either. I confronted the guy, chewed him out and told him exactly what I think of him. He sat back and took it then later complained to my wife about how I spoke to him.
I know it’s petty, but can I get a judgement call here? Was this an affair? Were they dating for those few weeks?
She’s told me that she doesn’t have a crush on him anymore and they still hang out 1 on 1, but now she will tell me when they do. I don’t like it but she’s not someone to care what I think or feel as long as she believes what she’s doing isn’t wrong.
The only question here is for you: Is her behavior acceptable to you as your wife?
She's acting like a single woman playing a very crowded field while you're sitting on the bench.
Is this marriage to you?
She's already been deceitful, sneaking around with her boss behind your back. That alone would do it for me, but that's for you to decide.
And not to add fuel to the fire, but there is only one reason a man gives a woman a massage at his house and it's not for medical reasons. Let's be real here.
She no longer has a crush on him but will continue to see him, mm hmm.
And after him the next guy is waiting in the wings for his shot.
As for now it's your inning, your call. She's shown you how she plays, do you want to stay on her team?
I'm not going to make assumptions about the nature of the OP, everyone here had a first post at some point. But yeah to me this sounds like she is lying about the nature of this relationship, trying to manage you and continue this, that it is totally an affair. She is making a lot of mistakes here, and sooner or later one or all will bite her in the backside.
I am not one who believes that it's wrong to have friends of the gender that you're attracted to...I'm bi, if I lived by that rule, I couldn't have friends at all!... And I have never cared if my male friends had sexy thoughts about me as long as they kept it to themselves and kept things appropriate. I am not the thought or eyeball police. But I do keep a lot of boundaries...I mean, I learned before I got out of high school that if I allow myself to be in a private space alone with a straight man, there are high chances he's going to at least try to make a move. Generally I avoid doing that, unless I know the guy VERY well and have established very solidly a "friends & family" kind of vibe with him...and I mean, I have known him for years, and the terms of our interactions are crystal clear and there is very high trust. That rare exception will generally also be someone that my husband knows well, trusts, and is comfortable with. And it tends to be a man I have no sexy feelings for.
A massage in a private location like his home? Uh...yeah, I would struggle to believe that did not lead to sex. Or that she agreed to it with no intention of entertaining the possibility at least.
Beyond what she is doing fooling around on her relationship, messing with a work supervisor is a whole other problem. I hope that one or both is willing to lose that job. Also...if a woman is confiding in others (especially a man she's seeing a lot) about problems in her relationship, she's talking herself into leaving you. She's processing and building a case for it in her head. That relationship is walking dead already, ya'll should just look for a way to end it that does the least possible damage to both of you at this point.
Agreed. This sort of issue comes up every now and again on this forum, and the knee-jerk reaction on here is typically "oh my God, if you're not banning her from having male friends, she's boning them, leave her now", which is entirely wrong. Straight men and women can just be friends and do things alone and not have sex / cheat on their spouses/partners. I have several women friends, some single, and I do stuff one-on-one with them, and (get this) not once have I ever cheated on my wife with any of them in the 29 years we've been together. If you're a cheater, you're a cheater. If you're faithful, you're faithful. No one forces you to cheat, you make that decision yourself, and it's a reflection on you alone.
In Opie's case, she seems like a cheater and is sneaking around and lying. Those are the true issues for Opie, not just that his wife has male friends and does stuff one-on-one with them if it were all more above the board.
Agreed. This sort of issue comes up every now and again on this forum, and the knee-jerk reaction on here is typically "oh my God, if you're not banning her from having male friends, she's boning them, leave her now", which is entirely wrong. Straight men and women can just be friends and do things alone and not have sex / cheat on their spouses/partners. I have several women friends, some single, and I do stuff one-on-one with them, and (get this) not once have I ever cheated on my wife with any of them in the 29 years we've been together. If you're a cheater, you're a cheater. If you're faithful, you're faithful. No one forces you to cheat, you make that decision yourself, and it's a reflection on you alone.
In Opie's case, she seems like a cheater and is sneaking around and lying. Those are the true issues for Opie, not just that his wife has male friends and does stuff one-on-one with them if it were all more above the board.
Well that all depends. As Adam Sandler said "It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to eff you." That could not be more true.
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