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I guess everyone gets their turn at some point in time.
Now it's my turn. (Sorry this is long...)
My elderly mother has declined now where she definitely needs an aide to come in and help her. She doesn't need 24 hr care at this point, but she does need some help each day. However, like many of the elderly she is beyond stubborn and insists she doesn't need anyone, but she does.
I flew to her state to visit, care for her, assess her needs, and determine the best caregiving plan for her. She wants to stay in her condo and definitely stay in her current state. Her younger sister (also elderly) lives in the same retirement community but in a different building, and a different condo. My aunt wants me to take my mother and move mom to my state and put her in an assisted living facility near me. Mom has absolutely no desire to move to my state and is emphatic that she won't move. I want mom to stay where she is happy, and, to the extent it's possible and reasonable, let her stay in her condo with caregivers coming in to help her or, if not, I want her to go to a facility in her current area. She likes living in her current state and wants to stay there.
My aunt does not do any actual caregiving nor have I ever asked her to. She never visits my mother in her condo. They go out to eat together a few times a week, and have back-to-back appointments at the hairdresser, manicurist, doctors, etc. My aunt drives, my mother no longer can drive. My aunt is now refusing to "take any responsibility" for my mother, and announced to me upon my arrival to their state she won't even take my mother to the hairdresser with her if I don't accompany my mother. She basically threw a tantrum and said, "I can't handle the stress."
I stayed with mom for 10 days, cleaning up her place, throwing out tons of old paper and piles of stuff, organizing, assessing, waiting on mom, and general fussing over her. I took mom to her doctor appointments, talked to the doctors, mom got setup with a medicare nurse to come to her place and check on her and arrange any medical care that might be needed, and I got leads on home caregivers and started the search.
Two cousins were visiting my aunt and mother before I arrived; we overlapped by 1 hour, then the cousins flew home to their state. Cousins were very upset at how bad my mother looked, how confused she was, and how messy her condo was. They hadn't seen her for over a year. The 2 cousins and my aunt were overwhelming me when I arrived, reciting lists of all the things "I need to do," and repeating how stressed my aunt is and "just can't take it." (Remember, aunt does no caretaking at all, literally none, and is not asked to).
During my visit I arranged things, found someone close by who can help my mom, got things organized, and kept my aunt (and cousins) out of it as I was told it's all on me to take this on and manage what my mom needs. I agree, it is my responsibility. My aunt wants zero responsibility, but still wants to tell me exactly what I should do. She also announced she won't visit my mom if/when she goes into assisted living. At this point, I want nothing to do with my aunt; she's a bully and has been that way for decades. She treats me like I'm a servant who should wait on her and my mom. That's a very long-standing pattern going back decades.
I flew back home to my state this past Sat. Didn't tell my aunt I was leaving, didn't see or talk to her for several days before, didn't communicate with the 2 cousins, nor they with me during my 10-day stay with my mom. I worked my plan, kept mom in the loop, and left when I was ready to go back home. I communicated with the aide I arranged and asked her to call my mom and go over and check on her. My mom refused, saying she "didn't need this woman to do or get her anything." The aide tried 2x in 2 days. I'm now mailing the aide a key so she will be able to let herself into my mom's condo (with my permission) to check on mom and help her with some specific things I asked. The aide knows my mom is stubborn -- she told me most of them are that way.
Today, 3 days after getting home, I got a call from protective services in mom's area. *SOMEONE* reported my mom (and me) to the state or county for mistreatment or neglect of an elderly person. The investigator called me to discuss. It's anonymous, but I believe it's my cousins who reported this, probably with my aunt encouraging it. Some details the investigator shared were details that upset my cousins when they were with my mom for the 2 days before I arrived to help my mom.
I had a good talk with the investigator, and the investigator had already met with my mother the day before. The investigator already noted my mother is "quite stubborn" and "is a real character." My mother told the investigator she doesn't need or want an aide. Mom was lucid and able to correctly answer questions asked of her. But yes, my mom absolutely needs assistance, I told the investigator that and the investigator agreed with me. Like it or not, mom is getting assistance!
The case investigator agreed with the plan to ease mom into getting assistance starting with short periods of time with an aide, to not overwhelm her, and the investigator seems comfortable with the plan, that mom isn't being neglected, nor being abused, and has doctors, a medicare coordinator/nurse, and a daughter who is helping her. I'm not saying a word to my cousins or aunt about this -- they'll find out the investigation is closed when that happens. All my energy is going to my mom and what she needs.
In your aunt's defense, it DOES sound like she was doing a lot for your mom, but I'd say no more and drive on. I think that if your mom misses your aunt's driving and eating out and all that, she will eventually look forward to the assistance of the aide, if she's able to drive her places and if she's willing to do so.
I don't personally blame your aunt for feeling like she was expected to take care of her sister. You are talking HOURS of time every single week, day in and day out. Better have a back up plan for those outings! Eating out, manicurist, hairdresser, etc.
Do you have a POA? Sounds like you really need one. And it sounds like your mom needs a firm wake up call. She is NOT independent.
I feel for those in OP situation. It's a grey area when it comes to adult protection services - they don't want to violate the individual rights but they also have to if the elder is a danger to self or others. Also the aide cannot physically force your mother to change her clothes, shower, eat, etc. Giving her a key to let her into the house against your mother's wishes when your mother is cognizant...not sure about that one. I don't blame the sister for setting boundaries. I hope you have POA all taken care of as this situation probably won't end well.
Aunt has had poa for a decade+ but doesn't want it anymore. I'm already legally named as next in line if main poa person can't or won't serve in the role.
If mom refuses to cooperate and allow an aide to help her, she'll end up in assisted living in a locked memory unit facility.
Last edited by lottamoxie; 11-21-2023 at 10:03 PM..
In your aunt's defense, it DOES sound like she was doing a lot for your mom
No she wasn't.
She picked mom up to go to their mutual appointments with the same practitioner, then dropped her off on the way home. They live 1/3 mi apart. That's what they've done for many years. My mother would pick her sister up when she could drive, but now mom's driving days are over. The relationship is very transactional, and that's how it is for me, with my aunt.
I would let your mom know that she needs to allow the aid to come help or she’s going to assisted living. That may help her deal with reality. I haven’t been a social worker for 30 years but adult protection is very different than child protection. Basically an adult is allowed to live unsafely in some fairly dirty homes if they are of sound mind. They worry about people taking advantage of them and provide help if that’s happening.
Your aunt and cousins sound awful. I have done much more for friends for years than she’s willing to do for her sister. Hopefully the aid can take her to her appointments and other places. You have a good plan for your mom.
Does your mom handle all her bills and bank accounts? Do you have visibility into them? I ask because my father's account was breached by a scammer and when the bank was notified, they were required to report it to our state's department of services for the aging (can't remember the exact name). I received one call from this agency and one call from the local police department.
Could be that something similar happened and that is how the investigation occurred.
BTW, a person doesn't have to do actual caregiving to be extremely stressed by a person who is cognitively and physically declining. There may be a lot of anxiety exhibited by the person, they may be hard of hearing so everything has to be repeated more loudly, they may have balance issues so the person on charge has to pay attention to that. Decision making can be difficult if the person has memory issues, and they might complain a lot. I get a little tired of my dad asking to eat at a specific place all the time, a place that doesn't serve coffee -- it's a burger shack-- we go there, he orders coffee with his burger, they tell him they don't have coffee, then he complains about it to them and me. It gets tiring, tedious and yes, that's stressful.
Elderly in your mom's situation also tend to "rally" when someone -- even their own adult child -- visits. In their daily environment, an environment which includes your aunt, they tend to sink into their boredom, frustration and unhappiness. You come and it's special and something new to get excited about.
Your aunt might be experiencing a lot of negativity from mom that you're not seeing, even if your aunt is awful.
Honestly is your aunt the only social structure your mom has where she is? If so, it might not be worth it for her to stay there. Maybe moving her to where you are would be better for her if she isn't socializing with others where she is.
OP has your mom been screened for psychological issues like depression/anxiety? You said she answered the investigators questions correctly so it doesn't sound like she would qualify for a memory care unit. Psychotropic medication can make a big difference - if she is already on them maybe she needs the dose adjusted.
This morning I called my mom to give her some information about an upcoming appointment and someone I didn't recognize answered the phone. Turns out it was the woman who used to clean my mom's and aunt's condos up until a couple years ago, but due to back issues and surgeries no longer can clean. This woman, Maria, stays in touch with my aunt and mom. Apparently, Maria was called by my aunt to help my mom get ready and then accompany my mom to the manicurist with my aunt this morning, where they both have appointments.
Aunt doesn't want to be alone in taking my mother anywhere, as she announced several times last week, so I guess Maria is going with them today to babysit my mom, or maybe it's to keep my aunt calm. Maria doesn't have a car and doesn't drive, so her availability in general is very limited.
Aunt doesn't communicate with me, and I now no longer talk to her, so aunt doesn't know I arranged for someone to assist my mom and check in on her. My mom likes and is comfortable with Maria, so whatever works. I sure wish Maria could do caretaking for my mom, but she has no way to get to my mom unless her son is available and can drive her there and back, and the son works full-time.
Aunt has had poa for a decade+ but doesn't want it anymore. I'm already legally named as next in line if main poa person can't or won't serve in the role.
If mom refuses to cooperate and allow an aide to help her, she'll end up in assisted living in a locked memory unit facility.
May I recommend getting the POA from the aunt along with a letter stating she doesn't want the duties of a POA anymore?
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