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if she forgets that information or acts counter to my mother's best interests or neglects fiduciary duty to my mother, there will be a strong legal reminder.
Your aunt is also a vulnerable elder, so make sure you watch how you communicate with her, especially if you plan to go to court. She has a protected status.
You don't want the court to say fine, I will appoint a guardian since this family cannot get along.
Your aunt is also a vulnerable elder, so make sure you watch how you communicate with her, especially if you plan to go to court. She has a protected status.
You don't want the court to say fine, I will appoint a guardian since this family cannot get along.
Not to worry, kid gloves are used every time we speak.
In addition, I write down info and email it to aunt so she has a record of each of my activities that I've done for my mom. Just the facts: date, task, action(s) taken, status, receipt enclosed, payment amount, person/professional/doctor involved, etc.
I found out yesterday my mother's car insurance had been canceled for nonpayment, and a policy is needed to cover the car, so I did the research, narrowed down the insurance company choices, and today set up a new auto policy to cover the vehicle. I paid the full premium for 6 months. Then I wrote it all down for aunt, attached the new policy and new insurance card and emailed it to her. She didn't know the policy had gotten canceled.
-----------------------
Aunt seems to enjoy telling people she has the Power of Attorney. She's "management," and I'm her "worker bee." This is the game and dynamic, and I'm playing along. It's all to help my mom, so it's a worthy cause.
Recently went back to visit my mother. She didn't know I was coming, so I surprised her. That's the way it works best, otherwise she obsesses about me traveling and wants me to cancel.
Mom seemed amazingly alert and with-it than she was last November. Functioning better, memory more intact, taking her meds on time and every day, eating, staying hydrated. So that was a nice and unexpected change.
Didn't see my aunt, as she had fallen a couple weeks before, was still in pain (nothing broken), and "wasn't up for company." She did, however, manage to rouse herself to accompany my mother and mom's aide to the hairdresser, hours after telling me she wasn't up for me visiting. Priorities, people! It certainly didn't break my heart to not see her during my visit.
Various things my aunt had decided in managing my mother have fallen by the wayside. She still retains durable POA, of course. Aunt has since decided my mother doesn't need an aide all day every day, after telling me I had to arrange 24/7 care when I was visiting last Nov. Aunt changes the rules on a whim, as best suits her. However, my mom is *much* improved...vastly improved from how she was before, when she had just gotten out of the hospital.
She did, however, manage to rouse herself to accompany my mother and mom's aide to the hairdresser, hours after telling me she wasn't up for me visiting.
...
No need for panicking or more stress right now.
Honestly, I see no need to have any contact with her at all. Glad your mom has improved. Thanks for the update!
It's been a minute since I last posted... sorry this is long ....
Between March and May my mom got intent on selling her car. She can't drive anymore, and the keys had to be taken away from her late last year. My aunt was apparently working on her, talking her into selling her car over several months. Her vehicle was a 2015 Toyota with under 10K miles. Yes, it was time!
Mom wanted me to help sell her car, which I agreed to do, then the next week she changed her mind and decided she didn't want me to do anything. She decided she'd only sell it to Toyota and nowhere else. Then she was going to sell it to a "friend." This went on and on and on, with her calling me almost daily to research certain things. But she absolutely did not want me to do it for her nor come to her state to help.
Her sister agreed to take her to Toyota but waited for their niece and nephew to go with them when they were in town visiting in May. They all went to Toyota, the car got sold, and my mother said she was "waiting for Toyota to send her the check."
<sound of vinyl record scratch>
Wut? Toyota didn't hand you a check right then and there? You left your car with them and walked away without getting payment? <yes>.
I was sick over it, but it turns out Toyota did send the check as promised, 2 weeks later.
Hadn't spoken to mom or aunt since.
Noticed no deposit was made into mom's account, so I called my mother the other day.
She told me she LOST THE CHECK. First, she said she couldn't deposit it because she didn't know "the route number" (routing number). Then she said she lost the check. She said Toyota's going to send a replacement check, but it will take 2 weeks. She refused to tell me anything more, wouldn't answer my questions, and got off the phone so she could take to her bed (her lifelong escape when she gets anxious or doesn't want to deal with something).
Am I surprised she lost the check? Nope. Had a feeling that would happen. I felt my blood pressure increase, and had to talk myself down.
My aunt (Ms. "I Have Power of Attorney") is not closely supervising mom, and the woman who was babysitting mom for a few hours each week hasn't been there in months, as she is in pain and needs shoulder surgery. Aunt says my mother is better and doesn't need anyone to come in.
I reminded myself I have to step back and away for my own sanity, this is not my problem, and this is how things are with my mother. Secretive aunt, secretive mother, I'm mostly in the dark and nothing's going to change.
It's been a minute since I last posted... sorry this is long ....
Between March and May my mom got intent on selling her car. She can't drive anymore, and the keys had to be taken away from her late last year. My aunt was apparently working on her, talking her into selling her car over several months. Her vehicle was a 2015 Toyota with under 10K miles. Yes, it was time!
Mom wanted me to help sell her car, which I agreed to do, then the next week she changed her mind and decided she didn't want me to do anything. She decided she'd only sell it to Toyota and nowhere else. Then she was going to sell it to a "friend." This went on and on and on, with her calling me almost daily to research certain things. But she absolutely did not want me to do it for her nor come to her state to help.
Her sister agreed to take her to Toyota but waited for their niece and nephew to go with them when they were in town visiting in May. They all went to Toyota, the car got sold, and my mother said she was "waiting for Toyota to send her the check."
<sound of vinyl record scratch>
Wut? Toyota didn't hand you a check right then and there? You left your car with them and walked away without getting payment? <yes>.
I was sick over it, but it turns out Toyota did send the check as promised, 2 weeks later.
Hadn't spoken to mom or aunt since.
Noticed no deposit was made into mom's account, so I called my mother the other day.
She told me she LOST THE CHECK. First, she said she couldn't deposit it because she didn't know "the route number" (routing number). Then she said she lost the check. She said Toyota's going to send a replacement check, but it will take 2 weeks. She refused to tell me anything more, wouldn't answer my questions, and got off the phone so she could take to her bed (her lifelong escape when she gets anxious or doesn't want to deal with something).
Am I surprised she lost the check? Nope. Had a feeling that would happen. I felt my blood pressure increase, and had to talk myself down.
My aunt (Ms. "I Have Power of Attorney") is not closely supervising mom, and the woman who was babysitting mom for a few hours each week hasn't been there in months, as she is in pain and needs shoulder surgery. Aunt says my mother is better and doesn't need anyone to come in.
I reminded myself I have to step back and away for my own sanity, this is not my problem, and this is how things are with my mother. Secretive aunt, secretive mother, I'm mostly in the dark and nothing's going to change.
Yup, it's frustrating, but you are correct that you need to disengage. You could become a convenient excuse for any conceived or real problems she experiences. Bottom line is that It's her car and her money. Even though you have the best of intentions, you stepping back for now is in everyone's best interest. Just monitor from a distance. There will come a day that you'll be needed. Hopefully that happens before someone takes advantage of her.
Yes. It can be hard to detach from a difficult situation, but you need it for yourself. Go outside, find a nice focal point in nature, and take three long deep breaths.
Absolutely. It does help to do that for sure.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Va-Cat
Yup, it's frustrating, but you are correct that you need to disengage. You could become a convenient excuse for any conceived or real problems she experiences. Bottom line is that It's her car and her money. Even though you have the best of intentions, you stepping back for now is in everyone's best interest. Just monitor from a distance. There will come a day that you'll be needed. Hopefully that happens before someone takes advantage of her.
Well said.
The car is sold, she'll get a replacement check soon-ish, and she'll either get the new check deposited or not, and her sister will either help her get it done since mom can't do it on her own, or not.
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This is the game and dynamic, and I'm playing along. It's all to help my mom, so it's a worthy cause.
