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That's a bit of a stretch. There's a legal definition of a hostile work environment, and it's not based on one person being uncomfortable. It sounds to me like this guy, even though he and OP are on the same level as colleagues, is one of those people who can't take feedback and doesn't like even the hint of an idea that he might need to change something. I've worked with men like that. We'd have a personable, collegial relationship and they would deny to the heavens that they're sexist, but a female colleague correcting them or their work or asking them to do something raises their hackles and bruises their ego.
It has nothing to do with the legal definition and everything to do with career impact. I have worked with female coworkers who filled frivilous claims, or made threats of doing so, for career or personal gain. Here's a couple of examples. In one job a female declared, openly to everyone, including management, if she didn't receive a promotion to department supervisor, she was filing a hostile work environment claim. There wasn't even a vacancy at the time, but no one in that department got even looked at for any opening until she left about 18 months later. In another example, a female employee announced to the office she had filed harrassment claims against every supervisor she had and, in fact, had already typed up a claim against the new supervisor who hadn't even arrived yet.
Every one of those supervisors had negative career impacts due to the claims. I, and most of my male coworkers, make it a point to never be alone with a female coworker, even lunch without another person present. It's today's reality. It's not about the legal definition. It is about protecting yourself from false claims.
It has nothing to do with the legal definition and everything to do with career impact. I have worked with female coworkers who filled frivilous claims, or made threats of doing so, for career or personal gain. Here's a couple of examples. In one job a female declared, openly to everyone, including management, if she didn't receive a promotion to department supervisor, she was filing a hostile work environment claim. There wasn't even a vacancy at the time, but no one in that department got even looked at for any opening until she left about 18 months later. In another example, a female employee announced to the office she had filed harrassment claims against every supervisor she had and, in fact, had already typed up a claim against the new supervisor who hadn't even arrived yet.
Every one of those supervisors had negative career impacts due to the claims. I, and most of my male coworkers, make it a point to never be alone with a female coworker, even lunch without another person present. It's today's reality. It's not about the legal definition. It is about protecting yourself from false claims.
This is moving aside from the OP's issue, but in your examples, your company culture and HR department should have weeded out frivolous claims and vindictive employees. And look at the result, you're focusing on the effect that this had on these poor male supervisors, but as a woman, I'm seeing how men like yourself feel like you can openly discriminate against women, because female employees are manipulative and untrustworthy and shouldn't be given responsibility (or if they have responsibility, they didn't earn it.) None of this is great.
Not sure what motivates the guy but it sounds like he sees you as his assistant and not quite as an equal. He wants assistance from you but never wants to return the favor. He is a user. Are you able to refuse his requests? Can you simply say you already have a full plate and can't help him? Or "it will have to wait until I finish what I'm working on"?
I understand that you feel he isn't reciprocating with work assistance but I don't think you should have made such a big deal about it.
Actually, I disagree with that. It was getting in the way of my completing my job. That’s a big deal to me.
Quote:
Be assertive without being aggressive or sarcastic.
That’s exactly what I was doing when I discussed it with him. There was no aggression or sarcasm involved. And it wasn't just about my feelings, it was about how we can better work together.
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Act friendly and professional but leave it at that.
Yep, that’s mostly what I plan on doing. I’m going to return his own behavior in kind.
Not sure what motivates the guy but it sounds like he sees you as his assistant and not quite as an equal. He want assistance from you but never wants to return the favor. He is a user. Are you able to refuse his requests? Can you simply say you already have a full plate and can't help him? Or "it will have to wait until I finish what I'm working on"?
Unfortunately, I can’t because I’m the only researcher on the premises. In the latest scenario, he was going to give two parents a tour on campus a couple of days later, and he needed the bio on them ASAP. On the other occasions, the VP of our department was involved in our email chains. If I refuse or try to postpone, it will only reflect negatively on me.
Not sure what motivates the guy but it sounds like he sees you as his assistant and not quite as an equal. He wants assistance from you but never wants to return the favor. He is a user. Are you able to refuse his requests? Can you simply say you already have a full plate and can't help him? Or "it will have to wait until I finish what I'm working on"?
Unfortunately, I can’t because I’m the only researcher on the premises. In the latest scenario, he was going to give two parents a tour on campus a couple of days later, and he needed the bio on them ASAP. On the other occasions, the VP of our department was involved in our email chains. If I refuse or try to postpone, it will only reflect negatively on me.
I'm trying to understand the working relationship here. Is he in a more senior position or in a place in the work flow where his work depends on yours but yours does not depend on his? Also in general I'm not understanding this work culture where everyone gets thanked all the time for routine workflow (per your second post).
I'll be honest. If I were a male coworker and you had that discussion with me, I wouldn't talk with you other than work related either. It's just too risky. You had a talk with him and told him he was inappropriate. Maybe not those specific words, but that was the message. He can't afford a hostile work environment complaint and you've put him on notice. I and I suspect most professional males, would take that discussion as a warning and avoid saying anything around you that might get misinterpreted. It may not sound fair to you, but that's the workplace environment we live in today.
Male here and I don't see it as a male/female thing, though she did partly frame it that way.
I haven't worked in an office for years but I had similar issues with people. Mostly female, as we males were only about 10% of the people. Generally, among equals, it is only right to give and take with each other. If we ask favors, we should be willing to return them. I saw various levels of such for 11 years. But my biggest happening was with a male coworker who I considered a friend. I often covered work for him when he was out sick or on vacation. Did all I could and made notes on any files that still needed his attention. He agreed to cover for me when I was on vacation for a week. I came back and my stack of files had not been moved. He said "I didn't know what you wanted on those". I showed him the first few off the top with notes on each and said every one had a note. He muttered something and went back to his work. I never asked any other favors from him and didn't offer any.
Actually, I disagree with that. It was getting in the way of my completing my job. That’s a big deal to me.
That’s exactly what I was doing when I discussed it with him. There was no aggression or sarcasm involved. And it wasn't just about my feelings, it was about how we can better work together.
Yep, that’s mostly what I plan on doing. I’m going to return his own behavior in kind.
Well you should have told him that rather than a sarcastic "you're welcome" or having a talk about how he made you feel.
it's best to be business like if you didn't like his acting like he was being inconvenienced and lack of help.
Well you should have told him that rather than a sarcastic "you're welcome" or having a talk about how he made you feel.
it's best to be business like if you didn't like his acting like he was being inconvenienced and lack of help.
So his saying that he gives and he gives and it’s never enough and “$&@# her!” is okay but saying “you’re welcome“ isn’t? I fail to see the logic here. I wasn’t trying to be sarcastic, I was still trying to keep things light, and then I immediately followed up with asking him if the tour happened so that I can code it into the system. His entire response consisted of laughing at thanking me for doing my job and using a cuss word in reference to me. And that was before ever I sat down with him.
We’ll have to agree to disagree about not talking about feelings. It wasn’t a wishy washy conversation despite how it might sound. He needed to know the repercussions of his treatment of me and how it was affecting our work. IMO, professionalism doesn’t have to mean shoving down feelings. We’re employees, but we’re also still human beings, and better communication can lead to a better work environment Or it should.
To jmelic RE:
Quote:
Not sure what motivates the guy but it sounds like he sees you as his assistant and not quite as an equal. He want assistance from you but never wants to return the favor. He is a user. Are you able to refuse his requests? Can you simply say you already have a full plate and can't help him? Or "it will have to wait until I finish what I'm working on”?
Unfortunately, I can’t because I’m the only researcher on the premises. In the latest scenario, he was going to give two parents a tour on campus a couple of days later, and he needed the bio on them ASAP. On the other occasions, the VP of our department was involved in our email chains. If I refuse or try to postpone, it will only reflect negatively on me.
Actually, I disagree with that. It was getting in the way of my completing my job. That’s a big deal to me.
That’s exactly what I was doing when I discussed it with him. There was no aggression or sarcasm involved. And it wasn't just about my feelings, it was about how we can better work together.
Yep, that’s mostly what I plan on doing. I’m going to return his own behavior in kind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RainRaven
So his saying that he gives and he gives and it’s never enough and “$&@# her!” is okay but saying “you’re welcome“ isn’t? I fail to see the logic here. I wasn’t trying to be sarcastic, I was still trying to keep things light, and then I immediately followed up with asking him if the tour happened so that I can code it into the system. His entire response consisted of laughing at thanking me for doing my job and using a cuss word in reference to me. And that was before ever I sat down with him.
We’ll have to agree to disagree about not talking about feelings. It wasn’t a wishy washy conversation despite how it might sound. He needed to know the repercussions of his treatment of me and how it was affecting our work. IMO, professionalism doesn’t have to mean shoving down feelings. We’re employees, but we’re also still human beings, and better communication can lead to a better work environment Or it should.
To jmelic RE:
Unfortunately, I can’t because I’m the only researcher on the premises. In the latest scenario, he was going to give two parents a tour on campus a couple of days later, and he needed the bio on them ASAP. On the other occasions, the VP of our department was involved in our email chains. If I refuse or try to postpone, it will only reflect negatively on me.
I have been in the work world a long time and have worked with many immature, ego centric and lying colleagues. I had a colleague who took credit for my work after I went out of my way spending hours to help him out.
For the most part, colleagues (especially male colleagues) don't care about your feelings; they only care about their feelings. So, I made the suggestion based on years of experience.
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