Self-worth vs. your boss's opinion of you... (good, places, therapist)
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I agree with other posters that you should definitely reevaluate your life's priorities for a number of personal reasons.
Since that has been said, I am only going to focus on the professional and work side of the equation: You're setting yourself up for failure.
You should be really concerned about your future ability to move up beyond just a few minor promotions.
You also shouldn't just focus on keeping the boss happy, yes you want him to be happy with your performance, but the ultimate goals of the company don't rest on one person. They rest on the whole team moving together like a well-oiled machine.
In life to get promoted to a certain level of success you will need to learn to manage people. This doesn't mean competitively compare yourself to others. This doesn't mean direct tasks to them or simply tell them what to do, rather it means you have actively get all aspects of the company running like a well-oiled machine for a carefully considered, well directed purpose.
You have to learn to influence people the right ways, both subordinates and your bosses. This means interpersonal relationships is crucial for skill development, just as it means you can't simply make people happy, happy with you, or simply be friends. Rather you have to develop critical instincts on the right subtle ways of influencing people to operate in the best manner possible. You have to adapt at solving problems between other people. You have to forsee problems before they occur. All of the skills you need to do this happen from your own interpersonal relationships in life, but also learning to look at social situations from a 3rd party perspective.
From your description, you're failing at all of the critical things to achieve these skill sets that simply can't just be learned at school or put down as accomplishments on paper.
You can be the best worker bee there is, but you'll never be able to move up the ladder too far just being a good worker bee. Eventually, you will burn yourself out or consider yourself a failure, since you have made your life all about work and being promoted and you will hit a ceiling.
You either need to re-tool yourself socially and hone in on the skills you need to develop now -or- just be happy being a worker bee with minor to mid-level promotions, but figure out how to make yourself happy once you hit that career ceiling.
As long as you never go postal and I will never ever have the slightest chance of working for you or with you, I see no problems with your point of view.
Doing a good job at work is great, but how hard is that? Does she really have to shut down the rest of her existence just to please her boss? Maybe she's in over her head?
Why not walk out the door at 5PM and enjoy your life?
This is just a sampling. I don't know whether to call her list a best-of, or worst-of, compilation of inane self-affirming horse hockey. Why do people need to feel good about themselves? Do people really want to lose their motivation to improve their lives?
I can't get over how many people feel entitled to happiness. We are allowed to pursue it in this country - under no circumstances are you entitled to be happy. You shouldn't want to be happy - you should want to conquer and conquest. You young people - I'm one of them, sadly - who want a family and a nice house? I hope it's worth it when you're fifty years old, fat, with a mortgage. At least you'll be happy. I wonder if anyone ever thought to themselves, "gee, I'm sure glad I took that vacation. My life was made so much better because I went on a vacation," who wasn't already a loafing sack of garbage. How come no one sees the value in work? Why are we a nation of wimps who want to feel good about our shortcomings? I have my faults, and I hate myself for them. I want to be a better person, not wallow in my own weakness.
1. Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.
Why? You obviously aren't good enough, and you are settling. Good luck with that.
2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.
Doing what you want to do? Like studying the diaries of some obscure French mill worker? Okay, but don't expect me to respect you if you don't provide value to me.
4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.
What you wanted was probably garbage, and it held you back. You should recognize your shortcomings, and your poor priorities. A vacation? A night out? Hope it was worth it when the bill comes due...
5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.
A person who doesn't worry is someone who doesn't have their head in the game.
7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.
No! You do not matter. Your productivity matters. What you can do for me is what really matters. I don't care who you are, and I never will. I just want my damn coffee/dinner/etc. I don't care about you, and I never will.
9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.
I actually like this one, if only because it encourages more of the worthless kinds to indulge themselves in their own uselessness. If this encourages more people to become more worthless, then good for me. At least I'll stand out as a good employee.
10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.
If you are happy with anything in life, then you are waving the white flag of surrender. There is no journey. There are winners and losers. Do you think Babe Ruth thought of the World Series as a journey? No! He wanted to crush his competition into the ground. He wanted to humiliate them, and leave them so devastated they couldn't live with themselves. That's the way to live.
12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.
I would say that this is beyond stupid if I could even figure out what the hell she is saying.
13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.
If you are where you want to be then you suck at life.
I do not break the law, and I do not harm people. I am not Patrick Bateman.
Rather,I am someone who struggles to see value in human relationships when they do not yield benefits in the workplace. I see a generation of frivolous, mindless youth who would rather enjoy themselves than be prudent and practical.
I, rather ill-advisedly, got into a discussion with my coworkers the other day regarding this issue. I was blunt with them - I do not care for what my family thinks of me, nor do I care what my friends think. They are meaningless to me because they will not help me advance in life. I am nice to them because I feel I have an obligation to keep up appearances and in order to make things like holiday dinners less awkward, but I feel absolutely no connection to them.
Instead, what drives me is approval from my boss. I regularly get good reviews, and have been promoted (I work at a university) based on my prior performance. In short, things are good at work. That's the only fulfillment I have in life, and a co-worker called me out on this. She overstepped her bounds, imo, but I decided to stand up for myself.
She said that I seemed very unhappy most of the time, which is probably true, but I'm successful at my job, whereas most people in our office regard her as completely worthless. I wouldn't be able to live with myself - literally - if people thought of me in such a way. Now, this entails working 9-10 hour days five times a week, but I'm well regarded by my colleagues and superiors. They constantly rib me for never going out with them, and for being so mysterious about my private life (I have no life outside of work; I do not date or socialize, as I feel these activities are counter-productive to my goals. A few nights a week I will go to the gym, but mostly I sit at home reflecting on whether I am performing poorly at work and how I might improve as an employee). People keep telling me to lighten up - I'm told I always frown and look severe and univiting - but why should I lighten up? If other people can't help me advance in life, why seek their approval/friendship?
As I see it, the only thing that matters is whether my boss likes me. I live with constant fear, but that is good motivation as I see it. Coworkers have told they think this worldview is terribly unhealthy, but I couldn't disagree with them more. We're all in our twenties, and they often say that I'll regret not 'living more' and that I should 'put myself out there'. I think this is terrible advice, especially in this current job market. How many employers will be impressed that you took a long weekend to go rafting? How many employers will hire you because you spent $100+ to attend a music festival and took off a couple days of work to do so? If I was hiring, these types would be rejected immediately. I'm not wrong, am I? I think young professionals should put their lives and hobbies on hold if they ever hope to retire by age 70 (and 70 looks like a dream, given where things are going; 77 is more accurate).
I'd appreciate it if others weighed in.
You live in constant fear. You have no social life to speak of. You are overly concerned about what someone who has (some) control over only one area of your life thinks of you. You believe that if other people can't help you advance, why bother seeking a relationship. You work 9-10 hours per day, and you believe that your life and your hobbies should be shelved to advance your career.
You are ambitious, I'll give you that. But you'll likely never find what you're looking for. People on their deathbeds do not look back and regret that they didn't spend more time at work, I can gaurantee you that. It is far more likely that people regret not taking the time to pursue the things in life that made them happy, chief among these being fulfilling interpersonal relationships.
You can be ambitious, and an excellent worker, and still afford yourself plenty of time to pursue interests outside of work. It's all about setting boundaries, and not letting anyone cross them, including your boss. If done in a respectful manner, you will BE respected for establishing boundaries.
I am in mid-level management and have 14 people who report to me. I would love to have someone like you working for me, but it would alarm me if I knew you sought my approval to the extent you've highlighted here. That's not healthy. Your manager's opinion should matter to you only to the extent that he/she can impact your employment and advancement opportunities. I have informed opinions about each of my staff, and I believe that I have a fairly good grasp of their strengths and their individual development needs. I'd be the first to admit though, I'm only seeing what is in front of me, and focus only on the employment relationship that we have. It is a very narrow, very focused definition that in NO WAY defines who my employees are (even those with whom I struggle to find something, anything, to like about them).
A healthy relationship, to me, looks like this: You focus on being reliable, punctual, organized, efficient. You put your ALL into your work, when you are there, whether that be for 8 hours a day or 12. And then you put it all behind you, go home, and focus on your hobbies, your friends, your family. You behave in a respectful manner towards your boss, and you ask him/her for feedback if you don't receive it often enough to know how you are doing. You acknowledge that bosses are fallible, and can be wrong about you -- but if you ever disagree, do so respectfully and with an acknowledged focus that you want to perform to the best of your ability, and will make this your ongoing mission. Make your boss look good. Help your peers. Go out for drinks with them. Form relationships, even close, personal relationships. Even with people whom you feel could offer you nothing more than a few laughs. Early in my career, I made some fabulous friends, who are my friends today. They also now happen to be managers, department heads, and a division director.
You live in constant fear. You have no social life to speak of. You are overly concerned about what someone who has (some) control over only one area of your life thinks of you. You believe that if other people can't help you advance, why bother seeking a relationship. You work 9-10 hours per day, and you believe that your life and your hobbies should be shelved to advance your career.
You are ambitious, I'll give you that. But you'll likely never find what you're looking for. People on their deathbeds do not look back and regret that they didn't spend more time at work, I can gaurantee you that. It is far more likely that people regret not taking the time to pursue the things in life that made them happy, chief among these being fulfilling interpersonal relationships.
You can be ambitious, and an excellent worker, and still afford yourself plenty of time to pursue interests outside of work. It's all about setting boundaries, and not letting anyone cross them, including your boss. If done in a respectful manner, you will BE respected for establishing boundaries.
I am in mid-level management and have 14 people who report to me. I would love to have someone like you working for me, but it would alarm me if I knew you sought my approval to the extent you've highlighted here. That's not healthy. Your manager's opinion should matter to you only to the extent that he/she can impact your employment and advancement opportunities. I have informed opinions about each of my staff, and I believe that I have a fairly good grasp of their strengths and their individual development needs. I'd be the first to admit though, I'm only seeing what is in front of me, and focus only on the employment relationship that we have. It is a very narrow, very focused definition that in NO WAY defines who my employees are (even those with whom I struggle to find something, anything, to like about them).
A healthy relationship, to me, looks like this: You focus on being reliable, punctual, organized, efficient. You put your ALL into your work, when you are there, whether that be for 8 hours a day or 12. And then you put it all behind you, go home, and focus on your hobbies, your friends, your family. You behave in a respectful manner towards your boss, and you ask him/her for feedback if you don't receive it often enough to know how you are doing. You acknowledge that bosses are fallible, and can be wrong about you -- but if you ever disagree, do so respectfully and with an acknowledged focus that you want to perform to the best of your ability, and will make this your ongoing mission. Make your boss look good. Help your peers. Go out for drinks with them. Form relationships, even close, personal relationships. Even with people whom you feel could offer you nothing more than a few laughs. Early in my career, I made some fabulous friends, who are my friends today. They also now happen to be managers, department heads, and a division director.
You say you would like to have him as an employee. How would you feel if you realized his utter contempt for your other employees?
You say you would like to have him as an employee. How would you feel if you realized his utter contempt for your other employees?
I would think that puts a major crimp on his professional development, and MAY cause problems when needing to work collaboratively.
I'd also still be delighted to have a dedicated employee who shows up every day and works hard. Everyone has development needs, myself included. We work with what we have. I'm accustomed to spending large parts of my day trying to motivate people to just DO their jobs. I can work with Mr. Stand-Offish.
My wife and my family will come before anything else. I like my boss like my work but they will never come before my family. I did that once in a job. I didn't like what it made me or how I treated my family. It paid really really well. About 150k a year well. I walked and I was perfectly happy with my decision
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