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I know I am going to get slammed here because of past posts I have made but what are people thinking when they retire and move thousands of miles away from family and friends? Aren't they being kind of selfish assuming that as they age their family will be there to help them when needed?
Actually, your first paragraph is probably the most selfish thing I've read to date on c-d. Wherever you locate to, to expect your grown children to interrupt their lives to care for you is the epitome of self-centeredness.
So why do people do this? Why move far away from family and friends particularly when you know that at some point you are going to need help? Isn't that being kind of selfish, particularly if you are expecting other family members to accommodate you when you want or need something? I can understand if there were reasons such as financial and the desire to be in warm weather in the winter but moving somewhere and expecting family members to accommodate you all the time is kind of selfish, don't you think?
Okay, so now let the bashing begin. Jay
No bashing. Some people, like you and me, think along these lines. I'd love to move to a specific place around 5 or 6 hours from here where most of my family live. However, they barely have time for us now, they're working all the time, one has young twins, they need their weekends to work on their homes and socialize a little and recover. No such thing as Sunday dinners in my life!
If we moved far, it would place an unfair burden on our kids and grandkids just to visit, never mind the idea of helping us out in any way. So I continually rethink that idea.
My MIL, in her late 70s (she's now 92) moved to the West Coast to be next to one of her sons, but he is off on trips all the time and usually isn't there for her. The son (my dh) who would be there for her a lot is here, ironically. But you know, I'm kinda glad she's out there b/c I've done more than my share of looking after elders and anyway, she has lots of daily help. I'm not up to it anymore.
Not to mention the fact of what is costs us to visit even once or twice a year. That is a financial burden we didn't expect.
Actually, your first paragraph is probably the most selfish thing I've read to date on c-d. Wherever you locate to, to expect your grown children to interrupt their lives to care for you is the epitome of self-centeredness.
I would never expect my kids or any other relative to physically take care of me. However, many elders in their own homes cannot afford to have their property maintained, the same folks who cannot afford—how many grand a month?—assisted living. They may be able to care for themselves but something as simple as heavy vacuuming, stocking up on foods, lawncare, even changing lightbulbs or fixing a porch stair are things that will undoubtedly happen. Done it, done it. Many times over. Some would say these elders should not be living in their own home, they should go into asst living, but again, the ones I have known and helped could not have afforded that, which may be a more common situation than the media project.
I know I am going to get slammed here because of past posts I have made but what are people thinking when they retire and move thousands of miles away from family and friends?
They're thinking they want to live somewhere other than where they are currently located?
Quote:
Aren't they being kind of selfish assuming that as they age their family will be there to help them when needed?
I assume we will need to cash out of our overpriced real estate in an overly popular seller's market (even during downturns it is so, relative to national norms) in order to make up for all the money that went into our COL instead of our 401Ks and IRAs. Now in our case, no kids. So, when we bail, it won't put any pressure on anyone either way. If we had kids, ironically, all the additional money we had to put into raising and schooling them, in addition to the high COL, would have meant even less in our retirement accounts, so even more pressure to bail, when the time came.
I know I am going to get slammed here because of past posts I have made but what are people thinking when they retire and move thousands of miles away from family and friends? Aren't they being kind of selfish assuming that as they age their family will be there to help them when needed?
First of all let me say I am a VERY family oriented person and value having a close family and being there when a family member needs you. I also believe, as my father did, that you should not do things that put an unnecessary burden on your children who have busy lives and children of their own to care for. I bring this up because we are in a situation with my MIL and she is expecting her children to drop everything and come help her and her husband.
My MIL is in her 90's and married to a man (her 3rd husband) that is approaching 100. They have lived independently, with her refusing to consider an assisted living facility even though they can both afford it (both are very well off) and are having medical issues that need attention. Last week they were in an accident (step-FIL's fault, not sure why he is still driving) and she has been hospitalized with a couple of broken bones that required surgery. She will be fine and staying in the hospital for a couple of days before being sent to rehab for a couple of weeks. The family here have been monitoring the situation, talking to doctors and social workers to be sure she is getting the care needed and will be placed in a good rehab facility. When she comes home family members will go down and help out for a couple of weeks to be sure they are doing well.
This however is not good enough. MIL has called several times complaining how hard it is for her husband and how he needs help making decisions and getting around. While she has not demanded anything yet, she is laying the guilt on heavily, to the point where I told DW to consider going down to be there for her. DW works in a job where if she does not work, she does not get paid and she was just down there a couple of months ago. We also have 2 children heading off to college this week and next and there is a lot to do to get them ready to leave. MY BIL is an attorney and cannot just drop everything and run down to take care of them without causing a lot of clients a lot of problems. MY SIL is newly retired but she just came back from down there (having another fight with MIL about assisted living) and has a scheduled vacation with her family (husband, kids, spouses and grandkids). Her husband has said that there is no reason for her to cancel their family vacation just to hold someone's hand. Needless to say SIL feels guilty and is annoyed at her husband for saying that even though she knows he is right. I am afraid that this is going to ruin what should have been a nice vacation for them.
I also want to say that over the years there have been a number of situations which have been a problem for the family. Illnesses, poor medical care and general living problems have all been things we have dealt with from a far. They have come to visit over the years when they were healthy enough to travel and have basically spent several weeks with each child without offering to pay for food or help out in any way. DW and I do not expect payment but an occasional dinner would have been nice especially since most nights we would come home from work to a messy house and a greeting of "what is for dinner?" They even expected us to give up our car so they did not have to pay for a rental which again they can well afford (she has in the upper six figures of savings and his is in the millions and yes we actually saw their account balances in the papers they left them on our table when we were cleaning up one time at our house). Needless to say we stopped trying to accommodate them with a car after that. This also means that they do not know their grandchildren at all. We tried to encourage them to spend more time with the kids but they were too busy to bother. Also it is not ours or our kids idea of a fun vacation visiting a retirement community.
So why do people do this? Why move far away from family and friends particularly when you know that at some point you are going to need help? Isn't that being kind of selfish, particularly if you are expecting other family members to accommodate you when you want or need something? I can understand if there were reasons such as financial and the desire to be in warm weather in the winter but moving somewhere and expecting family members to accommodate you all the time is kind of selfish, don't you think?
Okay, so now let the bashing begin. Jay
I think getting older is a process. Maybe when they initially made the decision to leave for another spot they were fulfilling a long term desire. They obviously have been able to pull it off and be independent for an extended period of time. They are now well up there in age and the vulnerabilities are becoming more obvious at this time. But they have been able to live far away successfully for an extended period of time.
So what to do?
I'd just let them continue on until they specifically request assistance or drop hints they can't go on independently any more. At that point, it seems their economic situation allows them to go into a good assisted living environment, so they can do that in their current location or use that transition process to relocate closer to family if that is their preferred option.
But I don't think this is a major issue yet. Not knowing their grandkids is a personal thing, some grandparents want a lot of involvement and some don't, no right or wrong there. Likewise with the visiting and not helping out, I'd find this annoying too but based on the lack of frequency I'd probably just let it go.
We would probably have to move at least 3 more times. Sometimes the children do not stay in one place for their whole career. If your MIL is 90 you must be in your 60's or close to it. You will be retiring soon--where are your kids?? Willl they stay in the same place for 30 plus years??? People have to do what is best for them at the time. It might get to the point that your MIL will need to move to be close to you.
All three of my MIL's children live within a half hour of each other and are all well rooted where they live. I do not expect them to move here but they should not expect her children to run when she wants. So you know she has done pretty much what she has wanted for the past 40 years. Now it is time to pay for the decisions she had made. Still she is doing that kicking and screaming (figuratively of course). Up until now she has refused to do any of the things suggested including assisted living, bringing in help other than a cleaning lady or moving closer.
My kids are young and you are right we do not know where they will end up or where we will be. It will however be my goal to not be an unnecary burden to them. I do not expect them to live near me unless that is what they want. I will not expect them to drop everything when I need help nor will I deliberately move far from them when I retire. We will see. Jay
I think getting older is a process. Maybe when they initially made the decision to leave for another spot they were fulfilling a long term desire. They obviously have been able to pull it off and be independent for an extended period of time. They are now well up there in age and the vulnerabilities are becoming more obvious at this time. But they have been able to live far away successfully for an extended period of time.
So what to do?
I'd just let them continue on until they specifically request assistance or drop hints they can't go on independently any more. At that point, it seems their economic situation allows them to go into a good assisted living environment, so they can do that in their current location or use that transition process to relocate closer to family if that is their preferred option.
But I don't think this is a major issue yet. Not knowing their grandkids is a personal thing, some grandparents want a lot of involvement and some don't, no right or wrong there. Likewise with the visiting and not helping out, I'd find this annoying too but based on the lack of frequency I'd probably just let it go.
The thing is assisted living does not accept people when they are in need of assistance. They want you when you are healthy. It may be too late by the time she decides she is ready. Jay.
Just because you are near to family doesn't mean any of them are in the position to be of assistance -- and that can mean physical as well as emotional and financial assistance.
And just because someone is elderly it doesn't mean they should make decisions based on where their adult children or g/children live -- folks move, for one thing.
The best anyone can do is create a support system for themselves wherever they retire. None of us is guaranteed a certain length of life. Folks retire and drop over dead before they turn 66. Or they may live to 97.
I firmly believe that no one can "guilt trip" us . . . we have to be feeling guilty or as though we are not doing "right" in order to buy into a "guilt trip."
The thing is assisted living does not accept people when they are in need of assistance. They want you when you are healthy. It may be too late by the time she decides she is ready. Jay.
If you want people to just agree with you - go to the "caregiving forum.
I'll say the same thing I've said there many times .. "caregiving" doesn't really affect a relationship all that much. If it was good before the crisis, it can usually withstand the crisis. If it was bad beforehand, it will not.
Since your complaints seem to include years of them visiting and not picking up the tab, its clear that your issues with your In Laws have little to do with them specifically getting old, and are just issues in general.
Which is fine, not everyone gets along with their in laws (or their parents for that matter).
Hopefully in 40 years, your children (or your children's spouses) aren't writing the same on an internet forum about you.
Meanwhile - yes, sounds like currenlty a no-win situation all the way around. The 90 year olds (seriously - kudos to them for making it into their 90s living independently!!) will likely need help, your families don't want to provide it, and they don't want to move close by.
[Guess what, you'd probably still resent it if they lived 2 blocks away. Your families would still be busy and would still resent having to go over and help with grocery shopping or bill paying or god forbid actual physical care. It actually doesn't get that much easier when they're close, because then its EVERY DAY and there's no break ... which, if the relationship is already strained, is rarely a good thing.]
So hopefully your in-laws will wise up and pay for some necessary assistance so they can stay wherever it is they want. Since they're lucky enough to be well off, they can spend a lot of money in a little amount of time (In assisted living, 10K a month would not be unheard of, if it was a really nice place). Since your families don't care (presumably its your families inheritance being diminished) .. that's a win-win.
Hopefully your MIL figures that out for all your sakes.
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Jay
