Should the retiree stay or relocate? (grandparent, moving, conversation, spouses)

[nezlie]

I have a friend who will be retiring in a few months. Last year he lost his wife, and that was a big shock to him. He is in good health and is very active. He is wondering whether it would be best for him to move out of state and relocate near his daughter/son-in-law/grandchild or remain where he is and has spent most of his life. He has a lot of things going where he lives, including an active social life. Any suggestions?

[Pilgrim21784]

That is a tough scenario, family versus an established life. I wouldn't want to have to make that choice. I suggest it may depend on two factors - 1) His financial situation re: can he afford frequent travel to visit the daughter/grandkid(s) and 2) The degree to which he is connected to the daughter/SIL and related interest in being highly involved as a grandparent.

In general, his own mental health would arguably be best served by remaining in place. However, tribe (my word for family connections) is critically important for many people, especially as one gets older. You didn't mention how old he is --- that has bearing regarding the time window he has to be an active part of his tribe going forward (as well as the age of the grandkid). You did say retirement is imminent so its something he obviously needs to think carefully about.

Retirement itself can be a shock for some folks and creates its own new set of considerations. He might want to at least plan to stay put until he sorts out his retirement life before jumping into a relocation as well. No one can really prescribe a best scenario, its his call to sort out.

[Escort Rider]

Pilgrim said it all in post #2 above. Excellent response. Nothing to add.

[Boompa]

Originally Posted by nezlie

I have a friend who will be retiring in a few months. Last year he lost his wife, and that was a big shock to him. He is in good health and is very active. He is wondering whether it would be best for him to move out of state and relocate near his daughter/son-in-law/grandchild or remain where he is and has spent most of his life. He has a lot of things going where he lives, including an active social life. Any suggestions?

If he is a person who is comfortable in one place all of his life he should stay there. If he moves to a new area he will only know his family and will be with them more than can be done without friction.

[StealthRabbit]

Originally Posted by Escort Rider

Pilgrim said it all in post #2 above. Excellent response. Nothing to add.

I might add that his age, attitude / personality, and personal desires / needs might weigh heavier in the case of this recent widower.

Gals seem to be far more social and adapt to change better. (generally)

Some folks 'retire / widow' in their 50's, some in their 70's and even 80's, so there still may be a 'lot of water to go under the bridge' for this guy, AND he may have a burning desire to try something new, and quite capable of such.

In general (again) moving closer to family can be a disappointment, as they have their own lives, and may not have much room for your's. It can be to the point that you remember 'when they come to visit you' in your old spot the time was more 'quality' (as they were focused on you, not distracted by 'home').

If possible he may want to try an 'extended' visit, purposed to check it out as living option:

• rent a spot near, but separate from family
• stay ~6-12 months (get over the 'newness')
• strive to develop a 'life' apart from family (join interest groups find separate activities)
• saturate yourself in the community to understand if you may enjoy it (tolerate it)
• consider how it would be permanently (you may desire something totally different, so the process was 'worth it'.)

[Zarathu]

Moving to a brand new place is a great adventure that is best done shared.

I know this because I am doing it. Its an adventure that at our age is very much the same as what is done when you leave home and go to college.

99% of people simply cannot pull this off at our age. And do to it you have to have over-riding reasons why you don't want to end up dying where you live now. If you have lots of friends, a great social life, stuff to do, and all that, then moving to a completely new place where you have to develop all that, and doing it after age 60, is not something at that most people will want to embark upon. You may have taken 40 years to get to this place. In your new retirement place you will be lucky to have 20 years to do it. You will have to do it without the benefit of a job where you always are meeting new people. It will become increasingly difficult to do as your body breaks down, you have less ability to do it. The people who are your age and have your shared societal memories get fewer and fewer, which will tend to isolate you.

If you do not have lots of friends, if the area you life in now is at the other end of the political spectrum, if you don't like your neighbors, and really don't have a physical place that you like(like loving the ocean and being 200 miles from it), and if you are prepared to be incredibly outgoing because people above 60 don't as a rule like to develop new friends, then it might be something you could do. But moving near your younger kids and family is not a life. They will not spend the kind of quality time with you that you need at your age. They're just kids; they're not like you anymore. Anyone who has worked in an environment where everyone including their bosses are the age of their children know how easily it is to be very lonely surrounded by people. I'll never forget when I went to a professional dinner of Phi Delta Kappa and got stuck at a table with a bunch of guys who were between 65 and 80 when I was 29. I simply could not break into conversation with them. I might have been invisible. If its the other way around, you are invisible also.

So without his wife to share this great adventure and to help him deal with the lonliness that it will also entail, it is likely that it would turn into sadness. Just my opinion....

Zarathu

[46Barb]

My dad moved out of a retirement village after living there many years and having so many activities he enjoyed (bowling, golf, outings, etc.) & having lots of friends to move near my brother in another state. Although he was glad to be living near his son for the first time in a long time, he missed all his friends and activities he once enjoyed. He thought about moving into a retirement village again in the new state, but sadly passed on before this could happen.

It's nice to be near family, but how often will you see each other. If you live in a place with lots of friends and have a life you enjoy there, I would go more towards staying and your family can come visit.

[texdav]

Everyone is different.Actually many find it easier for one person because it lessen the chance of one being home sick ;so to speak and wanting to move back. Everyone is different and he has family in this case;so he needs to decide for himself.

[Robyn55]

How old is he? If younger and (like you said) healthy - I'd advise him to stay in place for a while. My Dad moved near us about a year after my Mom died. He was in good health - but 88. And there were no suitable places for him to live in south Florida after he sold his house. FWIW - he found a girlfriend here a year after he arrived - and they're still together (he's not lonely - takes a lot of pressure off us). Many men - regardless of age - wind up with girlfriends/new wives after their spouses die. And the odds of this gentleman finding a new companion may be best in the place where he's spent most of his life (and has an active social life). Robyn

[dj10]

My suggestion would be for him to stay where he is.......for now.

Losing a spouse and beginning retirement are two big life changing and stressful situations. Moving to a brand new living situation would add another stress to his life.

Since they were already living away from their daughter they must have enjoyed where they were living. If he has good friends and a social life where he is I would think that would be more of a comfort to him at this time. I think he should take some time to relax and adjust to his new life. As more time passes and he has had time to experience what retirement is like he will have a better outlook on what will be best for him.

Best wishes and good luck to him.