Is it your childs moral responsibility to care for you when you can't? (euthanasia, marriages)

[Miss Blue]

This is a takeoff on Montana's thread about taking care of our aging parents..I wanted to bring up a separate thread about what we do or do not expect our children to do in the case we become unable to care for ourselves..As for myself..

My children have been told more than once that if I ever get to the point that I cannot be trusted to be alone due to advanceing dementia later on that I expect them to put me in the nursing home with no guilt feelings and no arguing..I am their mom, I love them, but that does not mean that I expect them to care for me at a time when I won't know them and would be a tremendous burden..As long as I have my good mind and some money I will be independant..My three daughters live very close and I would be willing to recoup from an illness or surgery with one of them, but then I would go home..I am very independent..and would not want to be a burden on them or their marriages..

[little_thirsty]

Oh what a tricky question this can be. I have to say I will do everything in my power to keep my parents and in-laws out of nursing homes as long as humanly possible. I have stayed with families in other countries who just seem to find a better way (IN MY OPINION) to make it work. I say our parents are treasures we only get once in a lifetime. Maybe its because I worked for two years in a nursing home....but I can say I know in our society it is expected as a norm to go to a nursing home. If we made it easier for families to care for aging parents then I would say I would HOPE my daughter would. But there are a lot of if's in there. Tough question Blue!

[Sgoldie]

Dementia is one thing but what about other situations?

I just ended with my mother's death last week a period of exactly ten years taking care of her and am in the precarious position of having little to no money, am alone, and need someplace to live in short order. She had a lifelong speech and hearing disability which made it impossible for the most part for her to communicate and she was very frail. The unwritten rule in our family is that she was to be taken care of no matter what. It would have been impossible for her to exist in a nursing home and I was happy to do it.

There is a big difference I think in boy children and girl children. Boys are more likely to contribute money if needed and girls are more likely to accept the hands on time consuming responsibilities. I saw my aunt's pitiful existence for a decade placed in a nursing home as her boys were too busy with their careers and daughters-in-law not interested in having her around. I don't expect the same consideration I gave as a mother of boys but I know they will be there as a financial backstop even though I will do my best to limit their burden to unusual circumstances. It is a privilege to take care of one's aging parents if at all feasible. I was lucky enough to have been able to do the same thing for my father.

[little_thirsty]

Sgoldie, I agree I think girl/boy children handle it like you said. I am sorry about the loss of your mom and wish we could all have children like YOU!

[esselcue]

I don't "expect" my daughter to care for me but I also would "hope" that she would. Or one of my grandkids, perhaps. I will have enough income that I would not be a financial burden but it is still a huge thing to move a parent into one's home. I know...been there and done that. Still, each situation and every individual is different so one can only hope...

[Terryj]

In my opinion, only in the Western culture have we become a throw away society, this includes our elderly. I have lived in a number of cultures, most of them being in the South Pacific and Micronesia, they all live in extended families and take care of their elderly with dignity and respect. The western world could learn allot from them.

[tamitrail]

I DO expect my children to take care of me, if necessary. I don't plan on relying on them, and hopefully won't have to, but I don't expect to be left out on the street or in a nursing home unless I am a danger to them or myself. This is what family is all about. I wouldn't put my parents out if they needed me. I worked with several men from India years ago and they all told me it was the oldest son's responsibility to take care of his parents. When he married, he and his wife and kids lived with HIS parents. What's wrong with that? It's how they were brought up. I agree with Terryj.

[CTR36]

I don't expect them to take care of me. It is my responsibility to plan ahead and make sure I have enough money to pay for resident living/assisted living. It places a huge burden on your kids. Now, if they want to do it out of the goodness of their hearts, that's another story. My children will have their own families to deal with.

[SuSuSushi]

I agree with the OP. While it would be nice if everyone had family that was capable and willing to take care of them in their old age, it's just not feasible and it can really put a strain on a family and marriage to take in an aging parent.

I've told my kids pretty much the same thing as the OP -- they must feel no guilt about whatever they decide in regard to my care if it comes to that point. Hopefully I'll live a lucid and active life until the day I die. If not, I don't want either of my kids to go broke or hurt their family life in order to accommodate me.

[aiangel_writer]

I am a very family oriented person and also can see both sides to this dilemma.

I am an only child, helped my mom when my dad became terminally ill, of course they were both young 49 when he was diagnosed and 50 when he died. I then moved his mom, my grandmother into my home, (he was also an only child) and took care of her until the very last, I had a young son 9 and a baby. It was a strain on all of us, but one we undertook gladly. When she was able, she helped with folding clothes, small things that she could do while sitting. The very last couple of months of her life I had to place her into a nursing home. She had had a stroke over Christmas, stayed in a coma almost the whole month, and was unable to be off the bed. It was a terrible time for me, yet, medically, I had no choice. She would stay in the hospital until Medicare and Medicaid booted her out, then transferred two miles to the nursing home until Medicare and Medicaid would again pick up paying. She stayed in a coma until the very last couple of weeks of her life, often talking about relatives who had been gone a very long time, and the 'recent' conversations she was having. Even angry at my dad for not visiting when he had promised he would be with her soon!!!

She was in a nursing home less than 3 months. And most of that time was in the hospital.

I plan on caring for my mom, my in-laws until the very end as well. I cannot think of them being in a nursing home. I can remember when I was a child, many families were blended with the children either living with the parents or vice versa. It was a way of life.

A bit OT here, but after the War, it seemed families became more splintered. Before the War, there were many many families who had one, two or three generations living under the same roof. I would have loved that, because I could have learned quite a bit from them. And had female companionship and divided chores!

I think we are missing out by not living like this.

I have two boys, don't believe they would care for me after I am old and sick. I hope I will be financially able to live out my days in my home.

On another note, I also believe as each generation passes that we are moving on to a society in which euthanasia will be the norm. I hope not, but feel that is where things are headed in the future.