Cutting the religious apron strings (church, atheist, agnostic, priest)

[rachelteehee]

This post might be suitable for the relationships forum as well, but mostly my situation has been about my faith journey.

I was raised in a very Catholic home - very conservative, by the book, Catholicism. I don't regret any part of my upbringing. I went to a Catholic liberal arts college and practiced my Catholicism until recently.

Going to a liberal arts school taught me how to THINK. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who grew up Methodist - but he's agnostic now. When we started dating over a year ago, I was just dumbfounded -- I'd met the a noble, honest, ethical individual...and he wasn't CATHOLIC???

I realized things were getting serious between us, and knew that religion could be an issue...but it hasn't been. My fiance has supported all of my decisions and when I discovered that going to mass wasn't right for me anymore, he helped me work through that. I know that if I decided to join the Church again, he'd support that, too -- as long as it was what I wanted...not what my family wanted.

I don't practice the religion because I don't believe what the Church teaches. It feels DISHONEST saying the Creed. And, because my soon-to-be husband is honest and true to himself, I feel the need to have conviction. Going to church just to go or to be seen isn't a sound reason for going. If I practice a religion (and I'm open to learning about all of them), I want it to be a decision that I made for myself...not because that's something that I've grown comfortable in. And I'm not comfortable saying that I'll bring our children up in the Catholic church - I want our children to make their own decision.

The wedding will be next year. I don't want a Catholic wedding (and we can't really have one...my fiance and I are living together and the Church wouldn't recognize the marriage, I don't think). It would be really cool to have my fiance's uncle AND a priest friend of our family to "bless" and announce the marriage.

I guess I just want to see if there are folks out there who've gone through simliar experiences. Especially with your parents. I'm VERY close to my family, but this is something that they've had a hard time swallowing. I know they worry about me and my soul, and I just want them to know that I'm happy and my fiance is happy. Will the tension die down, eventually?

Thanks in advance,
Rachel

[camping!]

Originally Posted by rachelteehee

This post might be suitable for the relationships forum as well, but mostly my situation has been about my faith journey.

I was raised in a very Catholic home - very conservative, by the book, Catholicism. I don't regret any part of my upbringing. I went to a Catholic liberal arts college and practiced my Catholicism until recently.

Going to a liberal arts school taught me how to THINK. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who grew up Methodist - but he's agnostic now. When we started dating over a year ago, I was just dumbfounded -- I'd met the a noble, honest, ethical individual...and he wasn't CATHOLIC???

I realized things were getting serious between us, and knew that religion could be an issue...but it hasn't been. My fiance has supported all of my decisions and when I discovered that going to mass wasn't right for me anymore, he helped me work through that. I know that if I decided to join the Church again, he'd support that, too -- as long as it was what I wanted...not what my family wanted.

I don't practice the religion because I don't believe what the Church teaches. It feels DISHONEST saying the Creed. And, because my soon-to-be husband is honest and true to himself, I feel the need to have conviction. Going to church just to go or to be seen isn't a sound reason for going. If I practice a religion (and I'm open to learning about all of them), I want it to be a decision that I made for myself...not because that's something that I've grown comfortable in. And I'm not comfortable saying that I'll bring our children up in the Catholic church - I want our children to make their own decision.

The wedding will be next year. I don't want a Catholic wedding (and we can't really have one...my fiance and I are living together and the Church wouldn't recognize the marriage, I don't think). It would be really cool to have my fiance's uncle AND a priest friend of our family to "bless" and announce the marriage.

I guess I just want to see if there are folks out there who've gone through simliar experiences. Especially with your parents. I'm VERY close to my family, but this is something that they've had a hard time swallowing. I know they worry about me and my soul, and I just want them to know that I'm happy and my fiance is happy. Will the tension die down, eventually?

Thanks in advance,
Rachel

First of all, the Catholic church will not refuse to marry you because you are living in 'sin'. However, you would have to take a premarriage course which is actually quite helpful ---- it is intended to bring up potential areas of conflict and how to solve them prior to the wedding. If you say that you will not baptise your children and will not raise them as Catholics, then yes...the priest will refuse to marry you. And why not? Why should they let you make a mockery of their faith so that you can wear a pretty dress?

So, get married in a civil ceremony. (why would you even want a minister blessing the marriage if you are in fact areligious/agnostic/atheist?) Your family will be disapointed, but they will live and so will you. Be true to yourself, your fiance, and ultimately your life. But I would caution you that this can be done without downing your parents (or your fiances family's) religious beliefs. If you explain to your parents that you feel the creed is a lie....well, expect fireworks. But if you explain gently that at this time (really, it can be forever but why tell them that?) religion has no place in your life, they are more apt to accept it. Let them think you may change your mind. But still, refuse to discuss it. Remember, you are an adult. You have the right to make your choices, and the right to decline to argue about them.

Good luck, stick to your guns, but again ---- don't insult their beliefs in your attempts to justify yours.

[rachelteehee]

Originally Posted by camping!

First of all, the Catholic church will not refuse to marry you because you are living in 'sin'. However, you would have to take a premarriage course which is actually quite helpful ---- it is intended to bring up potential areas of conflict and how to solve them prior to the wedding. If you say that you will not baptise your children and will not raise them as Catholics, then yes...the priest will refuse to marry you. And why not? Why should they let you make a mockery of their faith so that you can wear a pretty dress?

So, get married in a civil ceremony. (why would you even want a minister blessing the marriage if you are in fact areligious/agnostic/atheist?) Your family will be disapointed, but they will live and so will you. Be true to yourself, your fiance, and ultimately your life. But I would caution you that this can be done without downing your parents (or your fiances family's) religious beliefs. If you explain to your parents that you feel the creed is a lie....well, expect fireworks. But if you explain gently that at this time (really, it can be forever but why tell them that?) religion has no place in your life, they are more apt to accept it. Let them think you may change your mind. But still, refuse to discuss it. Remember, you are an adult. You have the right to make your choices, and the right to decline to argue about them.

Good luck, stick to your guns, but again ---- don't insult their beliefs in your attempts to justify yours.

Thanks, camping. I love my family. The priest would be there to make them feel more comfortable -- and I'm not agnostic or atheist. I just don't follow the church's teachings. I still respect IMMENSELY what my family believes -- my siblings still practice their faith and I respect that. The priest would be at the wedding kind of as a "nod" to the Catholic upbringing that I had.

And if my future children wanted to be Catholic -- I would support it!!

Please know that I don't hold any bitterness or disrespect towards any church. And I know that not practicing my family's faith is a point of tension...I would never speak to them in a "rebellious" or disrespectful nature. We're all adults.

[rachelteehee]

Originally Posted by camping!

First of all, the Catholic church will not refuse to marry you because you are living in 'sin'. However, you would have to take a premarriage course which is actually quite helpful ---- it is intended to bring up potential areas of conflict and how to solve them prior to the wedding. If you say that you will not baptise your children and will not raise them as Catholics, then yes...the priest will refuse to marry you. And why not? Why should they let you make a mockery of their faith so that you can wear a pretty dress?

I know which course you're discussing - the pre-Cana classes. ALL of my married friends or engaged friends have been through these.

I would never make a "mockery" of anyone's faith, camping. I'm not trying to disrespect anyone's beliefs or trying to flaunt my new "enlightenment."

I just want people to feel comfortable!!!

[camping!]

Originally Posted by rachelteehee

I know which course you're discussing - the pre-Cana classes. ALL of my married friends or engaged friends have been through these.

I would never make a "mockery" of anyone's faith, camping. I'm not trying to disrespect anyone's beliefs or trying to flaunt my new "enlightenment."

I just want people to feel comfortable!!!

I understand, and I'm sorry -- I think I came off much too harsh. There is an awful lot of Catholic bashing on these threads...

Anyways...like you I am agnostic and not a practicing Catholic. However, my family is. Go to the baptisms, church weddings, or special masses your parents would like you to go to. Just do as I do, make it a non issue. I don't talk about my views, and while my mom will occasionally make pointed remarks about "all of X's children go to mass every week" I just laughingly reply yes, but half of them are divorced.

Good Luck!

(and if it makes your family feel better if your marriage is blessed by a minister, I believe the unitarians will do weddings for non members)

[rachelteehee]

Originally Posted by camping!

I understand, and I'm sorry -- I think I came off much too harsh. There is an awful lot of Catholic bashing on these threads...

Anyways...like you I am agnostic and not a practicing Catholic. However, my family is. Go to the baptisms, church weddings, or special masses your parents would like you to go to. Just do as I do, make it a non issue. I don't talk about my views, and while my mom will occasionally make pointed remarks about "all of X's children go to mass every week" I just laughingly reply yes, but half of them are divorced.

Good Luck!

(and if it makes your family feel better if your marriage is blessed by a minister, I believe the unitarians will do weddings for non members)

Thanks, camping -- I think you pointed out some important points. Especially when looking at it from my family's point of view.

I think I'm a little naive to think that we'll all just get along great and my lack of church-going and practicing won't be an issue. I'm sure, after time, after they get a little more used to the idea, that it won't bug them AS much...but they'll still worry. They're parents.

Thanks again - have a great weekend!