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Ok, me and my (ex?) boyfriend are having problems. You see he's my first boyfriend, ever, we've been together for 3 years and a half. The first six months were PURE BLISS. I had it all: a great boyfriend, awesome friends, I was just finishing high school with awesome grades and was about to start at our local university. Life was brilliant.
Except I had this one male guy who had introduced me to my boyfriend (they were friends too). See, this guy friend and I had some history (we'd been friends with benefits although I remained a virgin... Important fact: This 'benefits' thing happened 2 years prior to meeting my boyfriend, and they stopped that same year and we just continued our normal friendship). I hadn't told my BF about this. I was scared of his reaction (he was a tad more jealous than average), so I just figured I'd tell him when more time had passed.
Hah... one day we were at a gig, I was taking pics, and my friend asked me to take a pic of him. Later I send the pics to my boyfriend, he sees the lone pic of my friend and flips. The questioning started... and the toughest question was asked: "Did you ever have anything with him?". I was pale, and without words. "Well, did you? Answer my question, please", in a firm, serious tone. I panicked so I said "Wha...? No, no, how could you think that?". "Justgirl, did you have anything with him?" - tough look in his eyes. "Sigh... yes, yes I did, we were friends with benefits back in 2004, but other than kissing and one blow job nothing happened". I thought "Well, this is the end". It wasn't... for a couple of days. Then he broke up with me... but took me back. He said we'd be able to go through this.
In that very moment I lost his trust, I had to start answering a million of hard questions about every single guy in my past, I had to stop seeing my female friends (because he basically thought they were sluts since they had um, more colorful pasts and were kind of my wing girls when we went out). It started a cycle of breaking up and making up, of him swearing his undying love for me one day, then declaring he didn't know if he loved me the next, telling me he still wanted to marry me, reminding me he didn't trust me, etc.
I stopped talking to every guy in my past and then some. New guys I met were seen as potential threats by him, so I have to keep distance. Then he started threatening to cheat on me. I started growing even more insecure than I already was.
He's never cheated, though. And he stopped going out with his guy friends, well, partly because of my insecurity and also because I don't really like his friends either. But whenever he wanted to go out well, he'd just go and I'd say practically nothing. Still, he said he didn't go out because he wanted to keep me happy. I asked him repeatedly if he was just saying that or if he secretly wanted to go out, in which case I'd compromise and "let him". He told me that no, that he had no interest in going out.
Until today...
He dropped this bomb: "You don't let me do anything, and I feel tied up. I want to go out with my buddies, I'm bored of spending every weekend with you. I need to go out with them and have a few drinks, etc, etc..."
Now, I don't feel the need to go out with my friends, I'm over that. I really do prefer staying in with him and what he said really hurt me. Especially since I feel unimportant in his life. Ok, I've become REALLY needy, but I think it's because of his own trust issues. In the beginning I was fine with him going out alone with the guys, I didn't care at all. But now I do. I just can't stand the thought of him going out with the guys, while I stay home alone, and he checks out other women, talks about them with the guys, hell, they may even flirt! Especially because all his buddies are single and well, they go out for one thing... to get chicks. It also makes me uneasy that well, I've seen him drunk when he goes out WITH ME and it's not pretty. And also because some of his buddies do pot. I don't like potheads and I know he smokes it when I'm not around. Basically, I think that when he goes out, he has problems controlling himself. That and I don't want him meeting other chicks and having more fun with them than with me, or thinking they're hotter. Hey, I'm just a girl anyway, it's my nature... and I'm not very attractive so yeah.
What exactly goes on during guys nights out? Is it as harmless as he paints it? What do they talk about, and how important is the "chick" factor? Also, what can I do? I already lost my friends, and I've met new people but we just don't click like that... my boyfriend (or ex, I don't know where we're at right now) is still the most important person in my life, so I make him a priority and I just don't have as much fun with other people as I do with him. We still get along very well and are highly compatible in terms of humor, music, movies, etc., so it's hard for me to have fun like that with other people. Also because he told me I could go out, but only if I went out with people who were trustworthy, and if I told him every detail AND if I don't flirt with other guys and of course if I don't cheat. But why bother? I know if I go out and do nothing with another guy, not even talking, even if I'm a complete sain, when he starts asking questions he'll still believe the worst! So I prefer not to go out anyway.
What on Earth can I do and how can I stop being so clingy, needy, insecure, possessive and jealous? I seriously love this guy and even though i know he might not be the best for me, well... I want to recover what we had during those first six blissful months.
Um...he does drugs and is bored of you. Just dump him.
You can't go back. You can only go forward. Him starting fights over stuff thats long past is also a way people start to break it up before breaking it off.
FYI = oral sex is still sex. You are not a virgin and you can catch every single disease from a "just a blow job" that you can with traditional sex.
If some girl I was dating for three years used the term "just a blow" I would be turned off and wondering about her values. So my guess at his age he is going hunting for fresh meat.
Well, fair enough. Is hand sex still sex? 'Cause he had hand sex before, well he also had sex before and oral, but with a girlfriend so I can't complain about that. But he was with many more girls than I was with guys. He always just told me "Well, I'm older what did you expect?" I'm 21 and he's 24 by the way. Anyway, my therapist told me the oral sex thing was normal at the age I was.
I've just always thought he's a huge hypocrite when it comes to the past and jealousy. Even if it was sex, he has no right to judge me based on that, it happened two years before I even met him, so? It's long gone, and even more now, it's been almost 6 years since it happened! Yet he still throws it in my face. But if I say a single word about his past? No. I can't. I "have no right".
Oh and he doesn't do pot excessively, maybe once or twice a year.
Ok, me and my (ex?) boyfriend are having problems. You see he's my first boyfriend, ever, we've been together for 3 years and a half. The first six months were PURE BLISS. I had it all: a great boyfriend, awesome friends, I was just finishing high school with awesome grades and was about to start at our local university. Life was brilliant.
Except I had this one male guy who had introduced me to my boyfriend (they were friends too). See, this guy friend and I had some history (we'd been friends with benefits although I remained a virgin... Important fact: This 'benefits' thing happened 2 years prior to meeting my boyfriend, and they stopped that same year and we just continued our normal friendship). I hadn't told my BF about this. I was scared of his reaction (he was a tad more jealous than average), so I just figured I'd tell him when more time had passed.
Hah... one day we were at a gig, I was taking pics, and my friend asked me to take a pic of him. Later I send the pics to my boyfriend, he sees the lone pic of my friend and flips. The questioning started... and the toughest question was asked: "Did you ever have anything with him?". I was pale, and without words. "Well, did you? Answer my question, please", in a firm, serious tone. I panicked so I said "Wha...? No, no, how could you think that?". "Justgirl, did you have anything with him?" - tough look in his eyes. "Sigh... yes, yes I did, we were friends with benefits back in 2004, but other than kissing and one blow job nothing happened". I thought "Well, this is the end". It wasn't... for a couple of days. Then he broke up with me... but took me back. He said we'd be able to go through this.
In that very moment I lost his trust[over something that happened two years before you ever met him?], I had to start answering a million of hard questions about every single guy in my past, I had to stop seeing my female friends (because he basically thought they were sluts since they had um, more colorful pasts and were kind of my wing girls when we went out). It started a cycle of breaking up and making up, of him swearing his undying love for me one day, then declaring he didn't know if he loved me the next, telling me he still wanted to marry me, reminding me he didn't trust me, etc.
I stopped talking to every guy in my past and then some. New guys I met were seen as potential threats by him, so I have to keep distance. Then he started threatening to cheat on me. I started growing even more insecure than I already was.
He's never cheated, though. And he stopped going out with his guy friends, well, partly because of my insecurity and also because I don't really like his friends either. But whenever he wanted to go out well, he'd just go and I'd say practically nothing. Still, he said he didn't go out because he wanted to keep me happy. I asked him repeatedly if he was just saying that or if he secretly wanted to go out, in which case I'd compromise and "let him". He told me that no, that he had no interest in going out.
Until today...
He dropped this bomb: "You don't let me do anything, and I feel tied up. I want to go out with my buddies, I'm bored of spending every weekend with you. I need to go out with them and have a few drinks, etc, etc..."
Now, I don't feel the need to go out with my friends, I'm over that. I really do prefer staying in with him and what he said really hurt me. Especially since I feel unimportant in his life. Ok, I've become REALLY needy, but I think it's because of his own trust issues. In the beginning I was fine with him going out alone with the guys, I didn't care at all. But now I do. I just can't stand the thought of him going out with the guys, while I stay home alone, and he checks out other women, talks about them with the guys, hell, they may even flirt! Especially because all his buddies are single and well, they go out for one thing... to get chicks. It also makes me uneasy that well, I've seen him drunk when he goes out WITH ME and it's not pretty. And also because some of his buddies do pot. I don't like potheads and I know he smokes it when I'm not around. Basically, I think that when he goes out, he has problems controlling himself. That and I don't want him meeting other chicks and having more fun with them than with me, or thinking they're hotter. Hey, I'm just a girl anyway, it's my nature... and I'm not very attractive so yeah.
What exactly goes on during guys nights out? Is it as harmless as he paints it? What do they talk about, and how important is the "chick" factor? Also, what can I do? I already lost my friends, and I've met new people but we just don't click like that... my boyfriend (or ex, I don't know where we're at right now) is still the most important person in my life, so I make him a priority and I just don't have as much fun with other people as I do with him. We still get along very well and are highly compatible in terms of humor, music, movies, etc.,[presumably other than when he is threatening to cheat on you, condemning you for your past, accusing you of cheating on him, and separating you from your friends] so it's hard for me to have fun like that with other people. Also because he told me I could go out, but only if I went out with people who were trustworthy, and if I told him every detail AND if I don't flirt with other guys and of course if I don't cheat. But why bother? I know if I go out and do nothing with another guy, not even talking, even if I'm a complete sain, when he starts asking questions he'll still believe the worst! So I prefer not to go out anyway.
What on Earth can I do and how can I stop being so clingy, needy, insecure, possessive and jealous? I seriously love this guy and even though i know he might not be the best for me, well... I want to recover what we had during those first six blissful months.
So many red flags in your post. Big ones. You now have no friends and no social life, preferring to stay at home with a possessive, domineering man who treats you badly and accuses you of cheating on him. Because you love him? He's so wonderful and great and dreamy ... except he's not. He sounds like a nightmare. The saddest part is that he has you convinced that his terrible behavior is your fault.
This relationship has run it's course. It's hard to see since it's "your first boyfriend" and all but trust me, it isn't going to get better. Cut your losses and break up with him. Remember one important thing: you can ALWAYS get back together. Maybe you need to shake things up to get it back on track, you do need friends to go out with of your own and so does he. You've become far too dependent on him even though you know it's not good for you.
Um, what do you mean betamanlet? I don't think most people who're treated right in a relationship get bored. Do you mean that unless you start treating each other like crap one of you start getting bored?
Um, what do you mean betamanlet? I don't think most people who're treated right in a relationship get bored. Do you mean that unless you start treating each other like crap one of you start getting bored?
Yeah, pretty much so... Seems that drama is preferable to stability these days... That one cannot define happiness as others. I would think that a stable, loving relationship would make someone happy, but some would get bored by that...
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