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I believe the men that are controlling is because they are raised like that. They aren't really controlling, because nobody is controlling really.
Where did you come up with that?
Quote:
If they are raised in a certain way then that's how the person will be.
You're right, if they are raised in an abusive environment, they are likely to become abusers or victims themselves. Abuse is mainly about control. I'd encourage you to read up on it.
I personally constantly find myself in this situation. I don't know if the majority of men are domineering or if it is just what I am attracting. Initially, when I get with these men, there is absolutely no hint that I am able to pick up on that tells me that they are controlling. It usually comes out when I am in a position that makes it harder for me to leave; ie- living with the man or married. I do not have a low self esteem. I know that I am attractive, intelligent, creative...the list goes on a little more. And I don't stand for a man who tries to get overly controlling. I will do everything I can to try to straighten the situation out as long as I am not completely compromising myself (though some degree of compromise is required in any relationship, I know, hence the word completely). Usually the man doesn't care or doesn't understand how seriously intent I am on the relationship being a healthy one and I end up having to leave. I don't want to be like this any more, but I keep getting in the same situation. My current hubby, I do love him, has become more controlling since shortly before we got married. I am letting him know that I will not stand for it, we'll see how that goes. But when we got together he was constantly doing things for me. He acted like he knew his stuff about having a healthy relationship and was all about communication, never talked down to me. All that has changed. So what is it that I am missing here? What can I do or look for initially in a relationship to know that he is domineering??
What can I do or look for initially in a relationship to know that he is domineering??
The biggest red flag to be on the lookout for is a sense of entitlement. You want to be with a man who can take charge when necessary, but not walk around acting like he's god's gift and behaving as if he EXPECTS the world to be handed to him. Sometimes there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and you must be observant of where your man falls on that spectrum. At first, arrogant people may come across as charismatic, charming, intelligent go-getters. They will be the life of the party, and you'll feel energized by them. But once the blush is off the rose, you will realize that it is all about THEM all the time and there is no actual room for YOU or your needs in the relationship. Arrogant people are needy people, people who have been damaged in the past, and they will dump their baggage on you if you let them. They need attention, attention, attention - so unless you want to be their mommy, run.
Also, watch for the guy to move "too fast, too soon" in the relationship. While it's normal to be infatuated with someone in the early stages of dating, beware of a man who claims that you are his "everything", and who's already talking commitment, marriage, etc. Healthy people have healthy boundaries and take things relatively slow. Unhealthy, toxic people want you NOW, regardless of what you want. Don't get hooked in by over-the-top flattery (of which there will be a lot).
Finally, another red flag is refusal to accept blame or engage in any real self-reflection. Guys with damaged self-esteem want to control YOU, because they are out of control within their own selves. If they have obvious issues (namely any kind of addiction) that they won't take responsibility for, or if they conduct their life in a way that lacks character (lying, cheating others out of money, not doing the "right" thing most of the time, knowingly taking advantage of others and liking it) and don't seem to be concerned about that either, you can bet that they will NOT respect your needs further on in the relationship and you will be left with all the blame. For a controlling, egocentric guy, to accept that he is flawed or has made a mistake is like a death to be avoided at all costs. If you want to retain your sanity, don't step into this trap!
The most dangerous time for a woman OR MAN in a controlling-abusive-relationship is during the separation. Not to mention a controlled woman has been taught things we can never understand looking in, and often has no access to things to help her escape without retribution. Kids, money, safety-all are considerations and obstacles in leaving. No one plans this. Also, the victims often don't want the relationship to end-they want the abuse to end.
I believe the men that are controlling is because they are raised like that. They aren't really controlling, because nobody is controlling really. If they are raised in a certain way then that's how the person will be.
We raised our son in an almost hippie environment. We had few rules for him except for respect for others. Yet, he went the opposite way, burning through his first marriage and leaning heavily on his young children. I remember asking him when he was four years old what he wanted to be when he grew up and he responded with, 'I want to be the boss '. I thought he'd say, architect, football player, doctor, garbage man, police officer, but nope, he just knew he had to be the boss. My husband and myself were the bosses of no one. I get weary of how everything that goes wrong must be the parents fault. Some men are just a$$ho!es and they got there by themselves.
I've seen it both ways, with controlling men or women in a relationship. Unless it's abusive, I see nothing wrong with it.
I wouldn't be in a relationship where one person was controlling, but others are drawn to that. (I'm not talking about abuse which is different. Anyone can end up in an abusive relationship, because abusers are grooming their victims and it can lead to a cycle of abuse/good times)
One partner always picks the restaurant, chooses the food for the other one, picks out their clothes, friends whatever. It's often more a parent/ child type of relationship than an equal partnership. Some people actually want to be perpetual children. Weird right?
I have seen men and women in non abusive controlling relationships choose the same type of people to have future relationships.
I personally constantly find myself in this situation. I don't know if the majority of men are domineering or if it is just what I am attracting. Initially, when I get with these men, there is absolutely no hint that I am able to pick up on that tells me that they are controlling. It usually comes out when I am in a position that makes it harder for me to leave; ie- living with the man or married. I do not have a low self esteem. I know that I am attractive, intelligent, creative...the list goes on a little more. And I don't stand for a man who tries to get overly controlling. I will do everything I can to try to straighten the situation out as long as I am not completely compromising myself (though some degree of compromise is required in any relationship, I know, hence the word completely). Usually the man doesn't care or doesn't understand how seriously intent I am on the relationship being a healthy one and I end up having to leave. I don't want to be like this any more, but I keep getting in the same situation. My current hubby, I do love him, has become more controlling since shortly before we got married. I am letting him know that I will not stand for it, we'll see how that goes. But when we got together he was constantly doing things for me. He acted like he knew his stuff about having a healthy relationship and was all about communication, never talked down to me. All that has changed. So what is it that I am missing here? What can I do or look for initially in a relationship to know that he is domineering??
Well, it sounds like you are with a manipulative and controlling person. If they are hiding it from you until you are "trapped" that is worrisome.
Are these women at fault for staying with the man who controls them? Because they (in essence) are allowing themselves to be controlled or are the men at fault for controlling them? What are the personalities & qualities of the women who attract domineering men (for whatever reason) & how can she stave him off in the future? I've heard it's often quiet, vulnerable, or timid-looking women (although in fact they are not timid at all, just appearance-wise)who attract these men? What are your thoughts?
I was friends with one of those...
...not anymore. She's in a relationship with a controlling man.
I think if you are timid, and quiet, you are going to attract controlling people. Even I have controlling people try to force their way into my life, but I ain't havin' it.
While it's a certainty that there are women out there in bad relationships (and men for that matter,) it is also a certainty there there are men and women who want to be controlled and like being controlled. The alternative is responsibility, which is a nightmare for some people. Consider the complexities of dominant and submissive personalities and the dynamic they share before you judge the people who have them. The people you are judging might be in exactly the kind of relationship they most want to be in.
You can make an exception for the obviously physically abusive relationship, but otherwise don't judge people.
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And I don't stand for a man who tries to get overly controlling. I will do everything I can to try to straighten the situation out as long as I am not completely compromising myself (though some degree of compromise is required in any relationship, I know, hence the word completely). Usually the man doesn't care or doesn't understand how seriously intent I am on the relationship being a healthy one and I end up having to leave. I don't want to be like this any more, but I keep getting in the same situation. My current hubby, I do love him, has become more controlling since shortly before we got married. I am letting him know that I will not stand for it, we'll see how that goes. But when we got together he was constantly doing things for me. He acted like he knew his stuff about having a healthy relationship and was all about communication, never talked down to me. All that has changed. So what is it that I am missing here? What can I do or look for initially in a relationship to know that he is domineering??
