Emotional pitfalls of casual sex for women (wife, how to, married)
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I have a friend right now, who has a history of unhealthy relationships. She is VERY desirable, but also very ambitious, and many of her life goals do not revolve around a man and family building. She is sick unto death of her identity warping itself around the needs of whatever boyfriend she has at any point, especially since at least a few have been abusive and controlling. She wants an answer to the question, "When there's no man standing there telling me who to be, WHO AM I?" And yet, she enjoys sex and the company of men. She doesn't want to have a parade of random guys through her bedroom, but she doesn't want one taking control of her life either. Finding a working middle ground has been a challenge, because it's only a matter of weeks before any man she starts to interact with begins trying to "lock her down" and starts getting upset about how she spends her time, demanding to know who she talks to, and so on.
Of course it'll be a challenge, it probably borders on a near impossibility....because going this direction because you can't have a "I can have my cake and eat it too" mentality. Maybe in the poly circles that you run in, yes, but the OP...not going to work.
I see you have this, "She doesn't want this, but doesn't that, oh, and with that, she doesn't want that to happen either".
That's like saying, "Oh, I want to be able to go swimming, but not get wet".
Sounds to me she's not relationship material and may be better off not having any kind of romantic relationships with men. I know several women that have closed up shop altogether with no interest in sex, love or romance. And yes, not even interest in friends with benefits...mainly for the reasons the OP had expressed.
I once made out with a girl at a party, and later on she just totally blew me off when I asked her for a date.
We had a really good conversation, and I was interested in her and I was pretty upset by the whole thing for a fair amount of time.
I don't think it's smart for anybody to get emotionally attached to someone they don't share a history of at least some loyalty and trust with and consider a good friend.
Whenever a discussion like this begins, I quickly lose interest. As soon as I explain my FWB situation, someone will inevitably interject to tell me That is NOT what I’m doing... as if there were some rule book that I’m not following. Or THAT is never going to work for a woman, even though it has for years.
All FWB situations aren’t the same, just as all monogamous relationships aren’t the same.
I don’t believe casual sex is generation-dependent, either. My millennial friends and daughter are in long term committed relationships for the most part. I also don’t believe there is any lack of respect for myself for clarifying that I’m not looking for full time F2F guy, either.
Men don’t seem to really believe this, and some get an attitude that indicates they rather I felt cheated on, instead of telling them to do their own thing, I’ll see them another day.
SOME don't. And they are broadcasting Loud and Clear to me that they are not someone I am remotely interested in ANY kind of contact with. I am not your Madonna / ***** to own.
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I personally believe I am more wired for friends with benefits. I get that closed in, when are you leaving?, how do I tell you I need more alone time, influx of questions plaguing my brain.
Prepare to have trolls and drive-by’s drop off their negative comments about your personal life.
Of course. This board is not even remotely representative of male humans that I know and meet in RL.
I think I'm more in tune with what somebodynew is saying than most here will be. And I've tried to share some of these ideas, respectfully, with others over the years. Thing is, if you've been involved in "ethical non-monogamy" as it's called (poly, swinging, open relationships, etc as long as it's honest and so on) you are exposed to ideas from others doing the same, and these ideas just are not common in the...what did Laura Antinou call it... "the Overculture" I think. The mainstream mentality. In particular if you participate in community groups, poly forums, or read books like More Than Two, The Ethical...S-word... and others. There's a lot out there.
It won't be for everyone. That's fine. It doesn't have to be!
But there are some really cool ideas and tools for communicating and relating in healthy ways, that are worthwhile to share with people in general, so I do try to do this.
***EDIT: If you don't want to read the rest, please just read THIS paragraph!*** I think it's important for everyone to work to become self-aware. Be honest with yourself about who you are and what you need. And then communicate that clearly to people you're interacting intimately with, or trying to build a relationship with. That is the first thing. Know thyself. And be true to yourself and authentic in what you accept from others. Place your boundaries where they need to be, for your own mental and emotional wellbeing, and demand that people who want a place in your life, respect them.
I have a friend right now, who has a history of unhealthy relationships. She is VERY desirable, but also very ambitious, and many of her life goals do not revolve around a man and family building. She is sick unto death of her identity warping itself around the needs of whatever boyfriend she has at any point, especially since at least a few have been abusive and controlling. She wants an answer to the question, "When there's no man standing there telling me who to be, WHO AM I?" And yet, she enjoys sex and the company of men. She doesn't want to have a parade of random guys through her bedroom, but she doesn't want one taking control of her life either. Finding a working middle ground has been a challenge, because it's only a matter of weeks before any man she starts to interact with begins trying to "lock her down" and starts getting upset about how she spends her time, demanding to know who she talks to, and so on.
All she wants is about a year, with no huge relationship commitments. Just one freaking year. But when she insists on this, these men freak right out about it. I think, personally, that part of the problem is that she is pairing up with "normal" guys from "muggle" dating sites and so on...(vanilla, monogamous, standard expectations.) For these men, there are only two ways to be with a woman. You either use her and discard her, as people say here, or you marry her and from then on, you only need each other, your kids, your dog, your happy little picket fence house in the burbs Amen. For some of us, neither of those things are right. And no, it does not have to be one or the other.
A - fricken - men. The muggle site comment made me laugh out loud. Literally. I happened to see it after a series of guys with whom I have never met asking when we can meet. When can we go camping?
Slow your roll dude!! Or how about I take a pass altogether.
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The other thing though, that one needs to have, to step outside of the pattern, is some emotional resilience. Like somebodynew said, in a rather Zen sort of way, it's OK to have feelings. It's ok to love, to lose, to grieve, and to move on. To enjoy the blaze and flight of loving feelings, to learn to accept that a connection is not a "failure" if it does not last forever, sometimes things evolve, sometimes a relationship is a thing for a season and when its season has passed, it's time for change. And emotional pain isn't the end of the world, either. You can feel that, and let it add layers of life experience and memory to your time on this earth, and continue on... I had a very dear and inspirational friend die a few years ago. Not for one instant, would I wish I'd never met him so as to avoid the pain of his loss, though I did feel like I'd been punched in the stomach for about 3 months when he died. Still. The good memories are worth the pain. And the emotional disturbance from losing a treasured lover is nothing compared to that. Though in my life, many of my former lovers went on to become good friends, and continued to be, long after the need or desire to have sex with them faded.
Another funny thing is, I imagine that most folks would have the misconception that a non-monogamous person is obsessed with sex, because they don't necessarily require that it go hand-in-hand with marriage or even serious commitment, and may have multiple partners at the same time. In fact that has not been my experience at all. People are mostly doing this for the freedom, not because they need a smorgasbord of sexual options. Take away the scarcity, and all the anxiety and restriction...and sex just isn't that big a deal really. Being permitted to explore friendship and emotions and joy with many people is far more rewarding and important. When I was poly, I really wasn't having sex very often at all with like 3 out of 4 of my partners. Those were the ones who wound up transitioning to deep friendship later on, which is where we're still at.
There’s this image that all guys are all into casual sex as that is all men want, men have no feelings, and so on. It seems it is totally acceptable to generalize men about it I guess but I was never into casual sex. I believe sex is such an intimate experience to just throw it around to whoever crossed my path. It was actually me who would say NO when I was dating. Yes I had girls question my manhood or make fun of it. I could understand them as I was “supposed” to always be ready for sex as that is what society expects from men but I didn’t care. I can imagine I would feel empty or used the next morning. If other people are into that, that’s their thing, but it is not my cup of tea.
Of course it'll be a challenge, it probably borders on a near impossibility....because going this direction because you can't have a "I can have my cake and eat it too" mentality. Maybe in the poly circles that you run in, yes, but the OP...not going to work.
Who knows what will resonate with the OP beside the OP?
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I see you have this, "She doesn't want this, but doesn't that, oh, and with that, she doesn't want that to happen either".
That's like saying, "Oh, I want to be able to go swimming, but not get wet".
Sounds to me she's not relationship material and may be better off not having any kind of romantic relationships with men. I know several women that have closed up shop altogether with no interest in sex, love or romance. And yes, not even interest in friends with benefits...mainly for the reasons the OP had expressed.
lol. Yet for many of us it works quite well when we meet like minded people. You do have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find prince charming though.
Of course it'll be a challenge, it probably borders on a near impossibility....because going this direction because you can't have a "I can have my cake and eat it too" mentality. Maybe in the poly circles that you run in, yes, but the OP...not going to work.
I see you have this, "She doesn't want this, but doesn't that, oh, and with that, she doesn't want that to happen either".
That's like saying, "Oh, I want to be able to go swimming, but not get wet".
Sounds to me she's not relationship material and may be better off not having any kind of romantic relationships with men. I know several women that have closed up shop altogether with no interest in sex, love or romance. And yes, not even interest in friends with benefits...mainly for the reasons the OP had expressed.
Well, she has access to my social groups. Hopefully she will find someone who is emotionally sophisticated enough to be able to enjoy company and sex together without demanding she give up everything and everyone else in her life besides him.
I have.
Multiple times in fact.
How would you feel if you met someone and enjoyed time and company with them, and then they were like, "OK now I'm going to need you to stop being who you are, stop enjoying what you like, never read comics or go to conventions or play any games anymore, become someone else, oh and give up your friends and family to sit here next to me forever. And be happy about it. Really why should you need anyone or anything else?"
Ya think it's either that or "close up shop?" Because how dare she expect a man to respect her life and goals and space and plans? I mean maybe if you live in the middle of nowhere with like 10 people you could date, to choose from, but for those of us surrounded by possibilities, I don't see why it's got to be like that, at ALL.
And this is why I get in here and elsewhere and talk about this. Because no, it absolutely does NOT have to be that way. Not if someone doesn't want it to be. There is no need whatsoever for her to settle for less than what genuinely works best for her.
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