First Communion Celebration - or First Communion argument? (wife, love, husband)
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Just throwing this out for opinions - all are welcome!
My daughter will be celebrating her first communion in the Catholic church soon (it's a big deal for Catholic's) and I asked my wife if we'd be having a celebration for my daughter after.
Bit of backstory - my wife has some chronic health conditions (migraines, joint pain, fatigue, and depression)
Well my wife looks at me, and says "I'm not hosting anything in my condition" totally get it.
Well, I was hoping to have SOMETHING for the sake of my daughters memories. And, my mother offered to host a small gathering for dinner at her house. Grandparents, parents, and two aunts. Very small, nothing crazy, early dinner.
I mention it to the wife, and she asked "can we just do a cake over there?", me liking being selfish say "well, i mean we could...but we're gonna have to eat dinner anyway. Which then means we're gonna have takeout, or i'm going to have to scramble home and cook for all of us. So, it'd seem easier to just do it all then"
Wife responds that "well, if i have to leave early, i'll just plan on pissing everybody off when I leave." (not sure where that was coming from)
And then tells me that I'm "starting to stress" her out by making plans.
To me, this is about my daughter celebrating her achievement with family, and I see no issue if my wife needs to leave early because it's too much, or if it's going to go too long for her, and it further negatively effect her health.
I don't know, maybe i'm being a jerk for even thinking of doing this. But i'd love to hear more from everyone on here.
Yikes. I don't envy you this one. What you are essentially describing is the act of being isolated from your family, even during a special occasion of your family's life. Not only can she not handle the simplest stress, but she's basically throwing a bunch of guilt on your shoulders for wanting something perfectly normal for your daughter.
Hey, I get that she has chronic pain or whatever. But she doesn't get to throw guilt on you.
I'd talk to a counselor independently to see what you should do.
Just throwing this out for opinions - all are welcome!
My daughter will be celebrating her first communion in the Catholic church soon (it's a big deal for Catholic's) and I asked my wife if we'd be having a celebration for my daughter after.
Bit of backstory - my wife has some chronic health conditions (migraines, joint pain, fatigue, and depression)
Well my wife looks at me, and says "I'm not hosting anything in my condition" totally get it.
Well, I was hoping to have SOMETHING for the sake of my daughters memories. And, my mother offered to host a small gathering for dinner at her house. Grandparents, parents, and two aunts. Very small, nothing crazy, early dinner.
I mention it to the wife, and she asked "can we just do a cake over there?", me liking being selfish say "well, i mean we could...but we're gonna have to eat dinner anyway. Which then means we're gonna have takeout, or i'm going to have to scramble home and cook for all of us. So, it'd seem easier to just do it all then"
Wife responds that "well, if i have to leave early, i'll just plan on pissing everybody off when I leave." (not sure where that was coming from)
And then tells me that I'm "starting to stress" her out by making plans.
To me, this is about my daughter celebrating her achievement with family, and I see no issue if my wife needs to leave early because it's too much, or if it's going to go too long for her, and it further negatively effect her health.
I don't know, maybe i'm being a jerk for even thinking of doing this. But i'd love to hear more from everyone on here.
REMIND HER that this is for your daughter.
She probably thinks you just want to hang around your parents while she's in pain, and not really thinking of your daughter.
REMIND HER that this is for your daughter.
I had a party after my first communion in the second grade and I still remember it decades later. It was special.
My daughter will be celebrating her first communion in the Catholic church soon (it's a big deal for Catholic's) and I asked my wife if we'd be having a celebration for my daughter after.
Is this how you asked her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by flynavyj
Wife responds that "well, if i have to leave early, i'll just plan on pissing everybody off when I leave." (not sure where that was coming from)
Sarcasm is never helpful in these situations. An obvious defense mechanism.
Quote:
Originally Posted by flynavyj
And then tells me that I'm "starting to stress" her out by making plans.
Yep. Plans often have to be made, though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by flynavyj
To me, this is about my daughter celebrating her achievement with family, and I see no issue if my wife needs to leave early because it's too much, or if it's going to go too long for her, and it further negatively effect her health.
It is about your daughter. But you know your wife has limitations, and she obviously feels simultaneously guilty and resentful about that.
There's no easy solution to your situation, O.P. I can see where she's coming from to a degree, but this day is about celebrating your daughter and, by extension, family. Your wife has been relieved the burden of hosting/preparing/cleaning up the post-communion celebration, so at this point, without knowing your family dynamic and only going by what you've shared here, it seems like more of a control issue than an issue of not feeling up to a very small and quiet dinner at your parents' home.
Perhaps the best solution might be to either take two separate cars so that your wife can quietly leave for home earlier than the rest of the family when she begins to feel exhausted and overwhelmed or, depending upon how "in the loop" and sympathetic your parents are, letting her lie down for a while at their home if she needs to step away from the festivities.
I don't envy you being put into this situation and I understand that your wife is unwell, but there's a chance that this behavior of your wife's could become a pattern that would affect every upcoming event with your child in the future. It's better to find gentle ways to mitigate that sort of thing sooner rather than later as suffering from poor health doesn't mean that a person gets to use it as a means to emotionally "whip" those around them through guilt.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 04-29-2019 at 11:33 AM..
Just explain your wife is unwell and will have to be leaving early before the event to everyone..nobody is trying to stop the event from happening, just asking that it allow for special considerations due to illnesses.
This really doesn’t seem like such a big deal.
Its being made in to a larger moral/ideological problem by the insistence your daughter memories be crafted a certain or specific way that doesn't account for the actual pieces in play, but more towards what has been already envisioned in some manner.
Everyone has their own own considerations here. If your wife is chronically unfit in ways that make life difficult for her a compromise and understanding on her behalf needs to also be addressed in the matter.
Last edited by rego00123; 04-29-2019 at 11:50 AM..
Just throwing this out for opinions - all are welcome!
My daughter will be celebrating her first communion in the Catholic church soon (it's a big deal for Catholic's) and I asked my wife if we'd be having a celebration for my daughter after.
Bit of backstory - my wife has some chronic health conditions (migraines, joint pain, fatigue, and depression)
Well my wife looks at me, and says "I'm not hosting anything in my condition" totally get it.
Well, I was hoping to have SOMETHING for the sake of my daughters memories. And, my mother offered to host a small gathering for dinner at her house. Grandparents, parents, and two aunts. Very small, nothing crazy, early dinner.
I mention it to the wife, and she asked "can we just do a cake over there?", me liking being selfish say "well, i mean we could...but we're gonna have to eat dinner anyway. Which then means we're gonna have takeout, or i'm going to have to scramble home and cook for all of us. So, it'd seem easier to just do it all then"
Wife responds that "well, if i have to leave early, i'll just plan on pissing everybody off when I leave." (not sure where that was coming from)
And then tells me that I'm "starting to stress" her out by making plans.
To me, this is about my daughter celebrating her achievement with family, and I see no issue if my wife needs to leave early because it's too much, or if it's going to go too long for her, and it further negatively effect her health.
I don't know, maybe i'm being a jerk for even thinking of doing this. But i'd love to hear more from everyone on here.
Her reaction likely stems from feelings of inadequacy and stress. Not being physically and mentally capable of planning a celebration for a milestone occasion. Having to rely on others to do so, and then there's the fear of not feeling well that particular day and having to leave early resulting in being judged for being inadequate.
And if you "totally get" why your wife may not be up to putting on a celebration, then you could have it approached it differently. "I'd love for daughter to have a celebration dinner, and mom has offered, blah, blah, blah. This will take any responsibility off your shoulders, and of course, they will understand if you need to leave early."
If you get it, then you know that "handling" someone with chronic physical ailments and depression requires a more gentle approach.
So while I can understand where her reaction stems from, it's unfair for her to lash out at you and deny your daughter a celebration.
Now that you've planted the idea, wait until she's having a good moment/day and talk about it again. Remind her this is for her daughter. Also consider if there are ways to make it easier for your wife such as hosting the dinner at your home but being relieved of hosting responsibilities. In her comfort zone and if she begins to feel unwell, she can retreat to the bedroom.
Feel so sorry for you and your children - no way out( Catholicity)
Being depressed and possibly in pain does not excuse her self-centeredness
Say that you like her cake suggestion and will have it at your home AFTER you and your daughter attend a dinner at her parents. Let your wife stay home and nurse her wounds.
Her reaction likely stems from feelings of inadequacy and stress. Not being physically and mentally capable of planning a celebration for a milestone occasion. Having to rely on others to do so, and then there's the fear of not feeling well that particular day and having to leave early resulting in being judged for being inadequate.
And if you "totally get" why your wife may not be up to putting on a celebration, then you could have it approached it differently. "I'd love for daughter to have a celebration dinner, and mom has offered, blah, blah, blah. This will take any responsibility off your shoulders, and of course, they will understand if you need to leave early."
If you get it, then you know that "handling" someone with chronic physical ailments and depression requires a more gentle approach.
So while I can understand where her reaction stems from, it's unfair for her to lash out at you and deny your daughter a celebration.
Now that you've planted the idea, wait until she's having a good moment/day and talk about it again. Remind her this is for her daughter. Also consider if there are ways to make it easier for your wife such as hosting the dinner at your home but being relieved of hosting responsibilities. In her comfort zone and if she begins to feel unwell, she can retreat to the bedroom.
Such a great answer.
OP, in reading this thread as well as your other one about traveling, it's obvious that:
1. You're wife is an introvert.
2. You're wife is juggling a job and young children with several physical issues. Those issues probably stem much from being a working mom in a high stress job with little kids. That was me. I felt "off" much of the time. The mere fact of enduring the Communion ceremony would have been enough to exhaust me that day. All I wanted to do on the weekend was destress, decompress, and have some downtime.
3. As HokieFan said, in the back of your wife's mind she probably knows it's the right thing to do and she feels awful with herself for not being able to host the party herself or feel that she can be at her best at your parents. As I said, I was her not so long ago. It's a tough situation to be in.
Last edited by ChristineVA; 04-29-2019 at 12:47 PM..
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