Extreme Late-Bloomer To Socializing/Dating At 26, Need Opinions!!! (girlfriend, how to, married)

[needusername]

I've had to deal with a lot of issues in my life due to High Functioning Autism (NOT Asperger's - I had a significant speech delay and was in therapy until age 12.) I was in a special education setting throughout my entire schooling years, and I went to (and graduated) from a college that was predominately career focused. From the ages of 23 (when I graduated) to now, my main focus was being able to live independently. I have succeeded in this, and have a good job (I earn enough to be able to live on my own). With this said, I consider myself very lucky given the cards I've been dealt with.

When I was younger and a kid, I was told a lot of things that have devastated my self-esteem. I've always been told that going to college would just be a dream. I've been told that I'd end up in a group home. Due to my autism, I can't ever remember being asked to hang out with people, and I learned how to rely on myself for everything. I also had to deal with extreme social anxiety disorder (as a result of being hurt so many times) which caused me to rely on solitary activities to help the time pass by.

I'm now 26 and am on my own with no supports - I pay the bills, I clean my place, and I make my own decisions. I never thought I would make it this far in life, but doing so has greatly boosted my self-esteem.
I also managed to break free of my social anxiety disorder and am not afraid to talk to people (or even ask them out on dates). This has helped a lot, though I do feel like a "loser" since I am socially behind.

I am an extremely family-oriented person; I talk to my parents on a daily basis and visit them frequently. However, I feel like I would greatly benefit from being in a romantic relationship with someone I truly cared about. I do have friends from work and gym, but feel like I could be doing more (the more I keep myself busy the better - I still want one or two "me" days though). With this said, I'm not doing this just so I can be with a girl; I'm doing it because I feel as if I would greatly benefit from it given the person is compatible.

I will add I that even though I consider myself inexperienced, I did have a romantic relationship that lasted for four months, but it didn't work out and so we mutually broke up. I don't consider myself to be a creep or a loser, but rather a guy whose had to work a hundred times harder than the next person.

I have a couple of questions:

1) When I do find someone, they'll want to be wondering why I have so little experience. Will my situation lead to dealbreakers/red flags (such as me being a creep)?

2) When and how should I disclose my autism on a date? I'd say I'm not like most people with autism - I enjoy touching others and I also learned to be flexible.

3) I know it's a lot harder to make friends out of school; but I never really had the chance and would like to make more friends. Does anyone know if Meetup actually works? I'm considering volunteering for an autism organization to spread awareness and reduce stigmatization (since there is stigma against us and recent events have not helped).

4) I know I am not entitled to love; I have to work just as hard at it as everything else. However, I am a realist and am aware that most people with any kind of autism never do get married. However, most need supports that I do not have and so I feel like I have better odds. I would like to know if I should get my hopes up or if I should be realistic about the situation.

P.S: I hate trolls and am getting better at detecting them. Honest answers only please.

[MarshallV84]

1.
Just keep pushing forward, keep the inexperienced stuff to yourself and just get out there. There's no reason to give people material, they make enough up on their own!

2.
I'd just let it ride, you sound normal enough. We all have problems, don't feel special.

3.
I'd Volunteer, get a part time at a retail type store with college aged people, college course, etc. Online dating/meet-ups is pretty tough for those of us with low confidence. (IMO..)

4.
Why get your hopes up? Just start dating. The worst that's going to happen is rejection, you get used to it.

[orangeapple]

With this said, I'm not doing this just so I can be with a girl; I'm doing it because I feel as if I would greatly benefit from it given the person is compatible.

You are ready for a relationship when you have something to give. It's good to know your own needs, but also consider what you can bring to the table. Consider what someone else is likely to need, especially the type of person you might like, and what you need to be to fill their needs.

I will add I that even though I consider myself inexperienced, I did have a romantic relationship that lasted for four months, but it didn't work out and so we mutually broke up.

That's as much experience with relationships as many have by your age. Don't confuse hooking up with adult relationships. Many don't date seriously in HS & college; they have silly little flings & whatnot. So technically, you've had a girlfriend & have dated. Glean as much from that as you can so you can grow for your next relationship.

1) When I do find someone, they'll want to be wondering why I have so little experience. Will my situation lead to dealbreakers/red flags (such as me being a creep)?

It's none of their business right away. It's considered rude to talk about past relationships at the beginning stages of dating. If you're referring to physical stuff, then they don't need explanations for that either.

If they do wonder... then OWN it as a decision & don't display any shame over it. You didn't want "just shallow hook-ups & weren't ready for something serious". You were "busy with school & work". Etc. If you take it slow with someone & get to know each other, then they will like you enough by that point to not care.

2) When and how should I disclose my autism on a date? I'd say I'm not like most people with autism - I enjoy touching others and I also learned to be flexible.

If you try online dating, then I'd include a brief paragraph about it. Honestly, I don't know much about autism except that its a spectrum & can vary dramatically in terms of how it effects someone. It seems you're an extremely high functioning autistic person, so if you bring it up, just make sure to communicate that clearly. People may have all kinds of preconceived ideas & not really know what it means & jump to wrong conclusions. I suggest outlining the main ways it does affect you & emphasizing how well you function otherwise.

Lots of people have emotional baggage & traumas & illness they battle & they likely don't bring it up on the first date. You want people to get to know YOU first, not to see you as someone with an illness. If it comes up when discussing something else (ie. your childhood), then be honest, but I wouldn't go about it as if it's a confession or it will make it too intense. Don't define yourself in those terms - it's something you live with, not your identity. Others will see it that way too then.

3) I know it's a lot harder to make friends out of school; but I never really had the chance and would like to make more friends. Does anyone know if Meetup actually works? I'm considering volunteering for an autism organization to spread awareness and reduce stigmatization (since there is stigma against us and recent events have not helped).

I've never tried Meetup, but volunteering is a great idea. It sounds like you're good at coming up with ideas to expand your network, so just keep thinking of them & trying them. Some will work, some will be dead ends, but it's all a part of a process of growing personally & learning to interact better (I say this as someone shy who has found it hard to make friends).

4) I know I am not entitled to love; I have to work just as hard at it as everything else. However, I am a realist and am aware that most people with any kind of autism never do get married. However, most need supports that I do not have and so I feel like I have better odds. I would like to know if I should get my hopes up or if I should be realistic about the situation.

You already have a better attitude than many people. As I said above, many people suffer from all kinds of issues, from emotional to psychological to physical, and they are still able to function in life & have relationships. So don't let your autism define you or hold you back from your potential as a person.

[intelfan11315]

Go out of your comfort zone. Meet people you normally wouldn't talk to and do things you normally wouldn't do.