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I am going to strongly recommend that you don't do this. It's not that you shouldn't travel and better yourself... but you've already made some life changing decisions. You're better physically but not mentally. Your next move shouldn't be doing the same thing.
No matter where you go, she'll be there. Your problems will be there. Now on top of that you won't have a job and will be in a brand new place. The last thing you want to add on top of emotional problems is dealing with financial ones.
I could be completely wrong with this. You might find peace with yourself and with your breakup. But you have to deal with these problems no matter where you are. Your location isn't going to change how you feel. So why not deal with it where you are? You might think a year is an adequate amount of time to get over someone, but how long were you with her? How much time and energy did you invest in this relationship? Did you ever get closure with her? I ask because sometimes things don't ever really end.
And maybe the women you're seeing aren't as great because you're giving them unreachable expectations. No one will look or be like the woman you dated. They won't smell like her or have her quirky attributes that make her... her. And that's why you need to give yourself plenty of time alone to deal with that and come to terms with it. I would hope that it doesn't take years but at this point, you may even want to seek counseling to just sort through your problems.
Just trying to give some helpful advice. I hope things work out for you.
I agree completely with this, except I would edit the bolded to read: "No matter where you go, you'll be there". You're running from something that is in your mind, so until you get control over it, it doesn't matter where you go to, those obsesive thoughts will still be with you.
I do give you kudos for the lifestyle changes that you'd made, so many positive steps. However, a change of what's external to you doesn't resolve the problems internal to you.
I certainly understand what most people are telling me. "You can't run from yourself." And I would agree with that as I believe that statement to be correct.
Addictive personality? Yes, very likely. Wouldn't make any sense to deny it. I need a "thing" in my life to focus on, or I'm not happy. That's why I'm so focused on the gym right now, if I skip the gym one day I go crazy. It's one of the few things I can actually control right now, so it brings me a sense of short-lived happiness. Whenever I enter the gym I feel "secure" and "happy". Now before, my main thing of obsession and focus used to be my ex. She was literally everything to me. I felt like it didn't matter what happened as long as I had her in my life I'd be fine. So when things ended my world literally stopped.
How do I fill up the gap she has left? I want to do that by new experiences, living, exploring. Of course it is very possible that in the process I will run into somebody new (maybe I'm even hoping for that to happen?) and will start over with that person. However I'm scared I will get in to a vicious circle in which I have one great year being in a relationship, **** goes bad, and I have one year of depression. Obviously that's not the goal here.
At this point I don't think I can just fix my problems like that. I don't want to start using the money I saved for my Great Escape on an expensive psychiatrist. I've checked and the rates are just too expensive.
@Zentropa: Well, how exactly does one "deal" with being a narcissist? It is what it is. It's not like I'm going to change, it has been the way I think and behave for the past 25 years. If anything, feeling good about myself and who I am is one of the last things keeping me afloat. Because I consider myself intelligent and easily like-able (attractive?) I'm convinced I have a valid shot at moving somewhere totally different and being able to find employment and a new social circle. If I look at the situation I'm in and I imagine I WOULDN'T be "in love" with myself (which is an exaggeration), I'm pretty sure I'd be ready to kill myself. I mean that literally as well. I've had some extremely dark moments in which sometimes I think "what is the point…." and then my narcissism kicks in and tells me "you're still better than most people". Obviously it's a bit messed up, but at least it gets me through the dark moments.
Also, I'd like to thank the person who left me this message anonymously: If you're young and healthy, just go ahead and DO it! Do it also for the rest of us who've wasted our lives away!
That was very encouraging, and helped me start my day in a positive way. Appreciate it.
Look at all of the progress you made this year. Even if you don't fall in love, or whatever it takes to fill that void, by next year you'll be even better off.
Here are a couple of thoughts:
You are still doing things in reaction to losing your relationship. How long till you take charge of your life so that you are doing good things for you?
I think you need a productive plan that will show concrete results rather than another adventure that is simply meant to distract you from your pain. Your pain is running the show.
You're a smart guy but you're letting something else control your life. You have any other ideas?
Narcissism is not just "thinking a lot of yourself."
It is a whole mindset, a way of looking at the world and your place in it.
You need therapy. The six years it took me to get over the obsessive thinking about my ex? I was in therapy for most of it. It definitely saved my life.
I don't think there's anything wrong with living your life and having adventures. There is nothing inherently wrong or addictive about that.
But you absolutely need to address your need to cover up your feelings rather than deal with them as well as what is driving the obsessive thoughts. A professional psychotherapist can speed up the process.
Look at all of the progress you made this year. Even if you don't fall in love, or whatever it takes to fill that void, by next year you'll be even better off.
Here are a couple of thoughts:
You are still doing things in reaction to losing your relationship. How long till you take charge of your life so that you are doing good things for you?
I think you need a productive plan that will show concrete results rather than another adventure that is simply meant to distract you from your pain. Your pain is running the show.
You're a smart guy but you're letting something else control your life. You have any other ideas?
Awesome words! Ellie's right that you've taken good steps in the right direction, but those steps aren't remedying what's going on inside. If you're trying to fill a void, that's the wrong reason.
Raffael, the fact that you always need a "thing" to focus on or you're not happy, is at the very root of your troubles, not the girl. Whether it be an obsessive personality or an addictive one, you can't just change those things about yourself by thinking happy thoughts" or distracting yourself, such as you're doing now.
You don't have years of therapy in your future, but IMO you need to consult with a professional to learn some tools to adjust and retrain your thought processes. Yes, professionals may be expensive, but is your emotional and mental well-being not worth it? Think of that money as an investment in yourself, not money that is simply thrown away. You might have lived this way for a period of time, but that doesn't mean you're sentenced to live this way for the rest of your life.
You have a "great job," live in a European country, but have no health coverage?
You seem to think a great job can only be great if it pays well? I actually have a very low wage. I gave up a job in the oil industry (in which I got paid very well) to go work with a start-up company in a sector that actually interests me. Start-ups rarely are able to give good wages.
So no health coverage with this job. I do have general health coverage for example when I break my leg, but today's society here still doesn't consider having to see a therapist "being ill", so it's not refunded.
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Awesome words! Ellie's right that you've taken good steps in the right direction, but those steps aren't remedying what's going on inside. If you're trying to fill a void, that's the wrong reason.
