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I can say that I've experienced a change in how I approach relationships. Some people seem to give up on relationships when they are down on their luck, but I've just reflected on how I'm going to approach them heading into the future. Since starting the thread in the second link, the person I was talking too has been somewhat avoiding me after she was initially very receptive after we had gone out. A couple things I've learned from this episode and prior episodes from my dating life is that I've become less receptive to texting when it comes to dating since someone can take forever to respond back to you about something that would take a minute to discuss face to face or on the phone. I still don't enjoy making small talk for long periods of time over the phone, but heading into the future, I'll begin calling more so I don't misinterpret something someone says and so I can get a sense of what that person is feeling then and there if I'm trying to make plans with them and I'm not physically there. If they can't bother to answer the phone when I call or call back then that tells me a lot right there.
The next thing I've learned to do is a pretty big step for me and something that I was told not to do when I was a teenager and that's be direct about your feelings toward the other person so the other person can be honest about their feelings as well. Growing up, I was told by friends that I shouldn't do that and that I should grow into a relationship and I listened to that advice partly because I believed it, but also because I was afraid of rejection, but what's worse than feeling rejected is trying to analyze everything someone does to see if she's interested. When you're honest and upfront with the other person and ask them how they're feeling then you know right then and there and we're both on the same page. This is from the 4th link, but I found it to be insightful:
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If the other person appreciates my directness but doesn’t share my feelings toward her, then I know I intuitively misread her, and that’s perfectly okay. This makes it easy for me to let go and shift my attention to someone else. I might be disappointed at first, but I’d still appreciate such a response because she’s being honest with me too. She’s also saving me a lot of time and potential grief.
On the other hand, suppose she reacts negatively to my directness itself. Once again, I learn that I misread her. Such a match would have been a mistake because anyone who doesn’t appreciate openness, honesty, and directness wouldn’t make a good partner for me anyway. I have no desire to enter relationships with people who prefer game-playing, drama, deception, or manipulation as opposed to straightforward openness and honesty. So being direct is an efficient way to quickly disqualify such people. Again, this saves me time and potential grief.
Now suppose her response is positive. She appreciates my directness and admits that she shares my feelings, if only in a small, noncommittal way. Now we’re off and running to explore a deeper connection together. Our shields are down, and we’re waving each other in. It may be too soon to fully fathom how we feel about each other, but at least we’ve agreed to begin to explore our possibilities together. There are few things more exciting in life than this.
I'm still in my early 20's, but I hope to take all this with me going into the future to help make my dating life be a little bit more successful and hopefully grow into a better person.
What do you guys think? Were there any revelations you came across when dating that you found helpful or not helpful?
I think it's wonderful that you've combined bits and pieces of advice and found them helpful enough to make some adjustments in your dating life going forward!
The one that I stick by the most is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". It's an important life lesson to be learned as early as possible. I think many people, myself included, get into relationships thinking they like ABC about the person, and that person would be perfect except for XYZ. You need to pay attention to the XYZ part, whether you can accept it, or if it's something you don't like, it won't be changed and you need to move on and not waste your time hoping and wishing that XYZ would change or disappear.
I think it's wonderful that you've combined bits and pieces of advice and found them helpful enough to make some adjustments in your dating life going forward!
The one that I stick by the most is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". It's an important life lesson to be learned as early as possible. I think many people, myself included, get into relationships thinking they like ABC about the person, and that person would be perfect except for XYZ. You need to pay attention to the XYZ part, whether you can accept it, or if it's something you don't like, it won't be changed and you need to move on and not waste your time hoping and wishing that XYZ would change or disappear.
Thanks!
And I know what you mean. I knew someone who kept dating someone for years that she thought could change, but in the end it just didn't work out because of those differences. I guess when dating someone it's really important to pay attention to things that you might perceive as flaws and see if you can still accept that person heading into a relationship.
... The one that I stick by the most is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". It's an important life lesson to be learned as early as possible. I think many people, myself included, get into relationships thinking they like ABC about the person, and that person would be perfect except for XYZ. You need to pay attention to the XYZ part, whether you can accept it, or if it's something you don't like, it won't be changed and you need to move on and not waste your time hoping and wishing that XYZ would change or disappear.
First, OCTA, I am impressed with the life lessons you've learned already. Some of us, like me, took a lot more time getting there.
I agree with paying attention to the XYZs. A cousin to that is, don't assume ABC "probably means" XYZ too. I think many of us, me included, sometimes fill-in the blanks. That leads to unfair expectations of the other party and possible disappointment for you down the road. No assumptions - ask!
In terms of "accepting" a negative character trait, I think it's important to distinguish "acceptance" from "tolerance". In the early dating process, we are attracted to someone and tend to look for more similarities on which to build a relationship - and perhaps "tolerate" the negatives. But, the tolerated negatives can accumulate until they reach a point of 'the straw that breaks the camels back'. It's really not the final negative, but the pattern of negative traits/behaviors that leads to the pivotal decision to end a relationship. IMO, I think it's an accumulation of those things "tolerated" and not truly "accepted" negatives. I tend to tolerate. So, I ask myself, on a scale of 1-10, how much does that "annoyance" bother me. If that is a high number (subjective), I realize I am tolerating it, but I am not accepting it and it may pop-up as a problem later for me.
So I did end up being direct with someone and while I don't know how honest she was being with me, I found out that I should just move on since the person isn't looking for a relationship.
Something else I've realized is that how we perceive ourselves isn't how others tend to perceive us. What I mean by this is that people(at least from reading threads on here) tend to be more critical of themselves when others see them in a more positive light.
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Originally Posted by BraveHeart01
First, OCTA, I am impressed with the life lessons you've learned already. Some of us, like me, took a lot more time getting there.
I agree with paying attention to the XYZs. A cousin to that is, don't assume ABC "probably means" XYZ too. I think many of us, me included, sometimes fill-in the blanks. That leads to unfair expectations of the other party and possible disappointment for you down the road. No assumptions - ask!
In terms of "accepting" a negative character trait, I think it's important to distinguish "acceptance" from "tolerance". In the early dating process, we are attracted to someone and tend to look for more similarities on which to build a relationship - and perhaps "tolerate" the negatives. But, the tolerated negatives can accumulate until they reach a point of 'the straw that breaks the camels back'. It's really not the final negative, but the pattern of negative traits/behaviors that leads to the pivotal decision to end a relationship. IMO, I think it's an accumulation of those things "tolerated" and not truly "accepted" negatives. I tend to tolerate. So, I ask myself, on a scale of 1-10, how much does that "annoyance" bother me. If that is a high number (subjective), I realize I am tolerating it, but I am not accepting it and it may pop-up as a problem later for me.
That's some good advice and something I never really thought about it.
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Originally Posted by Frihed89
Keep at it and good luck.
Thanks!
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