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I've shared this story so many times I kind of feel like a broken record.
My mom and dad separated while I was in high school, and my mom got into an abusive relationship with someone I guess was sent from Hell just to torment me. Living in my own house became a risk to my personal safety, and I got out as soon as possible. Later, I went back to that state to attend college because I had already applied and my grades from high school weren't that good, not because I wasn't smart, just because I had a whole lot of other stuff going on that I wasn't comfortable sharing with anyone on the outside. Plus, I've always had trouble communicating. It's like my mind and mouth don't always communicate when I talk and I end up forgetting what I wanted to say or saying something very different from what I meant.
Well, I started out as a math major, but I found it extremely difficult to keep up with the classes. After flunking twice and nearly losing my adequate progress for financial aid, I changed my major to Secondary Education / English / Language Arts. The classes were a lot easier, but I had trouble with a lot of things, and, as usual, I also had a lot of trouble communicating with my professors. They used email, so it was easier to get the message across. Face-to-face communication intimidated me so much once upon a time that I avoided it as much as possible. Needless to say, I bombed most of my presentation practices and my lessons were hard for people to follow. I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't really know how to ask for help, either. I continued like this, struggling with graduating on time so that I could keep my financial aid, bargaining with my teachers so that I didn't fail or need to retake something (I couldn't afford to), and somehow acing my exams and papers while remaining utterly clueless on how to present lessons or manage behavior in a classroom. I bargained my way through student teaching; I didn't know what I was doing and neither did the students I was teaching. I finally graduated and took some jobs as a substitute teacher.
As a substitute teacher, I got treated like dirt by the kids, and I didn't like it, but it was a way to pay my rent, so I kept it up and decided to go back to college to get a master's degree. I took out more loans, this time unsubsidized loans at the maximum limit. I took most of my classes online so that I could continue to work during the day. I graduated with a 4.0, but I was STILL not confident I knew how to work with kids, and the inner-city kids I frequently watched as a sub reinforced that idea constantly. Finally, I found a job at a detention center. I thought things would get better, but the kids started writing formal complaints against me, for some reason, and I started getting confronted by my boss about these complaints. We decided they were false accusations just because the kids didn't like me. My boss suggested I do something to appease the kids so that I don't keep getting complaints written on me. I had no idea how to do that so I went back and did what I thought I needed to do, and they kept writing complaints. My boss decided to transfer me to an area with a smaller class size to see if that would help. It didn't really help. I still got complaints written on me by the students. My boss suggested I start giving them candy for good behavior. That worked a little. The kids didn't write as many complaints, and eventually, the complaints just stopped, and I was able to finish out the year.
Now, though, one of my students is complaining again. I again don't know what's causing it, and my new boss has warned me to document everything so that those complaints can be proven false if I need to defend myself. I'm under a lot of stress. I have very small class sizes, and I normally wouldn't be so upset with so few students, but those complaints are serious business. I don't understand why children want to abuse and harass adults. In my opinion, I don't deserve it. I was bullied enough as a child and young adult to write a book about it. Why do I need anything else? It's really changed my view of children in general, and I don't think I ever want to become a parent. It's one thing to have kids you can get away from hate you; it's something different entirely to have kids you can't get away from who hate you.
I was also diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Can you take a stress leave? Apply for disability based on autism?
I think it's the system you hate, rather than the kids. Or at least not all the kids. I'd hate that system, too.
See if you can take some type of leave or get some disability, so you can have some money coming in while you take a breather and reassess your options. Sounds like you need a career change.
Can you take a stress leave? Apply for disability based on autism?
... Sounds like you need a career change.
She's nailed it. I feel bad for you, as you've spent so much money on a career that you hate.
You have to do something you love. If you don't love children, get out of the business. You are unintentionally harming their minds. Children are like sponges, and could carry your subtle ill feelings towards them for the rest of their lives.
I fear that is why they are still finding fault with you. Kids can sense it.
It appears that the problem isn't with the kids, it's with you, and how you come across to them. They seem to sense how ill at ease you are, as well as your dislike for your profession. Have some of your peers sit in a few of your classes and ask them for a completely honest opinion of how you come across.
Can you take a stress leave? Apply for disability based on autism?
I think it's the system you hate, rather than the kids. Or at least not all the kids. I'd hate that system, too.
See if you can take some type of leave or get some disability, so you can have some money coming in while you take a breather and reassess your options. Sounds like you need a career change.
Under better economic conditions, that would be a great idea. But the OP has a lot of loans to pay off. I don't think there is a stress leave from one's college loans, unfortunately.
OP, just fyi, the education program I did had nothing in it about classroom management, and neither did my student training. There was also nothing about writing lesson plans in either the university classwork, nor my teacher training. These skills were learned mainly by the sink-or-swim method by graduates of my university's education program. Did you ask for guidance with classroom management from the teachers you worked under?
One of my thoughts while reading this is that kids have too much power if they are allowed to write complaints and affect your career. When I was a kid paddling was still allowed. The kids did what they were told, if they didn't they were either paddled or sent to the principal to get scolded or paddled. We had some good teachers and some mean ones. Some better than others. I can't even imagine being allowed to write a complaint about a teacher in my day as a student. It's preposterous.
Having said that, what someone else mentioned sounded like good advice. Have your boss or one of your colleagues sit in your class and give advice afterwards.
I have very severe allergies and allergy-induced asthma which makes communication and personal interactions very difficult, so I cam empathize. Is there another job besides teaching you can do with your education? Maybe teaching isn't right for you, or maybe it is but will be more difficult than it is for other people.
Good luck, hope you find the solution to your situation.
Really? Really??? That's your advice? That's the best you can come up with, huh?
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