Hard time committing to anything (anxiety, therapy, woman, husband)
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I have trouble committing to a job or a relationship. Even friendships are hard for me.
I don't own a home, rent from my parents. I own a car.
It usually starts out that I want something. I figure out what I have to do to get it. For a job, I read all about the company and practice interviewing. I don't always get the job but eventually I get one of the jobs I tried for. I will like it for a while, then it starts to dawn on me that it's just a job.
I've never had a job that made more than $45k and I"m in my 50's.
For romantic relationships, I like the guy, go through the honeymoon phase and then get bored. I start seeing all their flaws. I was married once. The minute I got married, it dawned on me that I couldn't date anymore. I asked for a divorce 2 weeks later. I was ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready for marriage and I'm 52.
Same for friendships. I'll think that someone is great in the beginning and then I see their imperfections.
Of course, I'm not perfect at all. I have lots of flaws. But at some point in my life, i would like to commit and enjoy what I have in life and not keep chasing the "grass is always greener" side of life.
Any ideas on how to overcome my "fantasy" of life?
That's very fascinating way since you're over 50. I've known people who never see the good in anything and think things are always better elsewhere. I would have thought they would have resolved those issues after a few decades of adulthood.
It sort of reminds me of my first father-in-law. He was a ladies' man. One day, he ended up with a woman named Marty who had no front teeth. The reason? Eventually, he got too old for anyone else to want him, and he was left with whoever would have him and that was Marty. His moving from person to person ended when he got too old for anyone new to want him.
I spent a significant amount of time teaching my children that the grass is not always greener. I think it's a logical skill to learn how to be content. Really, contentment is what you need, not commitment. I was sort of like you prior to having children. It wasn't that I saw the negative in everyone. It had more to do with not knowing how to get through difficult times with a partner, work out problems, etc.
Children cause you to settle down because it's important to provide stability in their lives. I did logically remind myself "this is where I need to be. I need to make this relationship work." You just can't walk out the door when you have kids. I learned how to stick with a relationship. I eventually became very content with my life. I've been happily married for over 20 years. My husband is more perfect now than he was when I met him because I can look past his flaws. What it took was being forced to stay---for the sake of the kids---instead of leaving after being bored or in the heat of an argument.
Without children, I don't know how you can force yourself to stick with something aside from simply telling yourself that you will eventually find contentment if you stick with it long enough. If you want it badly enough, you will do it. If you prefer living alone, you will continue living your life the way you do. Or maybe a Marty situation will force you to stay with someone because you'll reach the point of knowing you have no more options. But it's okay if you want to live life alone. I knew a very dear lady who lived until 98, never married and very content not sharing her life with someone. She was a fantastic woman.
You just have to decide what you really want. Right now, it sounds like you think the grass will be greener if you commit. It very well could be that this is just another cycle of the usual for you. It sounds like you've decided this isn't good enough and you don't want to commit to being alone. Maybe it's better if you tell yourself you're not less of a person if you chose to live your life differently than others. You've made it 52 years by yourself. You've pretty much proven that you don't need anyone else. And that's okay.
Maybe a part of you fears commitment so you avoid, because deep down inside, perhaps what you reject in others is also what you reject in yourself or fear most?
I am definitely not perfect and I also don't think of myself as perfect. I see my flaws, there are many. I have trouble accepting people for who they are. I get annoyed easily. Part of my always looking for something else, is to get out of where I am right now.
I see people who are happy with just living. I want to be one of them but wonder if I am too old to ever change.
As I said, it sounds like you're, once again, thinking the grass is greener on the other side, only this time you're directing it toward yourself instead of others.
The only way to find out if you're too old to change is to start trying to change.
Find a therapist, go in with a list of what you'd like to accomplish, and ask for guidance on how to accomplish it.
Don't go in wanting to discuss all the negativity in the world, and how you have always been. That will just continue your current mindset.
Go in saying, "I want to become more accepting, more tolerant, less annoyed."
Another idea: Have you ever tried meditation? Medication actually improves people's capacity for compassion.
Luckygirl15, I tried to imagine myself living life the way you do and I couldn't. I'm really puzzled. My first thought though is that if you haven't been able to commit for any length of time by your age then probably you never will. Would you be happier if you did commit? I don't know but I suspect you wouldn't be. When you stop caring you appear to become bored. I know of no way you could force yourself to continue to care when that happens.
I did ask myself why I commit. The short answer is that it gives me something I want and getting that is worth the drawbacks associated with the commitment. You really do have to want something badly enough though to make the drawbacks worth it.
I am definitely not perfect and I also don't think of myself as perfect. I see my flaws, there are many. I have trouble accepting people for who they are. I get annoyed easily. Part of my always looking for something else, is to get out of where I am right now.
I see people who are happy with just living. I want to be one of them but wonder if I am too old to ever change.
You seem to fear anxiety from self-acceptance from within yourself, and I don't think life is ever too late. Hypervigilance for the next escape seems to bring you back to where you don't want to be, pain you feel inside.
Hopes gave great advice about meditation.. You may look into taking some time off for yourself, and allow solitude to bring you a sense of clarity and grounding.
The grass is always greener on your side when you can come to terms and make peace with the past, live fully in the present, so you can plan for a more hopeful tomorrow.
Maybe you can treat yourself to a nice relaxing place, and reflect on what that hope looks like in your life, and how you'd like to re-write your story?
I've tried therapy and with the exception of 1 therapist, all of them wanted to put me on medication for depression. I just wanted to talk and get some feedback on my thought pattern, but none of them seemed to really care.
I've been trying to figure out why I am like this.
Hope, I don't want to end up with a "Marty" as a last resort.
I think you all are right in that it's just going to take some work to just accept people, life, and enjoy it for what it is.
I don't enjoy things as I am always looking for the next exciting thing. I envy people with children and husbands and long term jobs. I know they have a maturity that I don't have, and that bothers me about myself.
Kat949, good thought on fear of self acceptance.
All of you who answered were very good. Thanks so much!
It sounds to me like your brain chemistry may be such that your "hedonic tone" is rather too low. In other words your pleasure feedback loops don't work well. You need constant stimulation to feel any excitement. This is probably why they want you to take antidepressants, although my (totally unprofessional) guess is you probably need dopamine far more than you need serotonin. You might Google about "Hedonic Tone" and its relationship to addictive behaviors (you seem like you are in a sense addicted to novelty) and difficulty in experiencing pleasure.
Give antidepressants a try. You could have been living your entire life with a chemical imbalance Give it a shot. You have nothing to lose.
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