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Right now my boyfriend and I live together. He is moving in a month to take a job. I can't move for two years because of complications with my job that will be taken care of in two years. Once he moves, I will move back in with my parents to save money and get my debt paid off. Our plan for our relationship is that we would do a long distance relationship for the two years I need and then I would move out there and we would get married. We are going to get engaged shortly so it isn't like we are taking this whole situation lightly.
I don't feel like my parents are necessarily supportive of this whole thing because they feel it is not in my best interest. They say they want me to be happy and that I should take what they say with a grain of salt but that they don't like that I'm putting MY life on hold for him. I worry about moving back in to this atmosphere, but if I don't move home, I will not be able to necessarily afford to go to visit him because of bills and loans.
My boyfriend suggested we all sit down together and possibly set some boundaries with my parents but I feel like they will take that as him telling them how they can or can't talk to me and get very defensive. I love him very much and I want to be with him. He has said several times that he does not want to take this job at the expense of our relationship.
I am 25 and I have never lived very far from home and moving out to where he will be will mean moving half way across the country, but I think in the long run it is a good move for him personally as well as us as a couple. I believe it would be a good move for me personally because it would give me a chance to experience things on my own rather than always doing what my parents want me to do. I also believe that if I am going to move back in with them and make it work, I need their support...Is this a situation where I'm asking to have my cake and eat it too??...HELP!!!
My first question would be, how did you get along with your parents before you moved out? That will give you a clue as to how moving back will be, except that you now have a couple more areas to agree or disagree about: Your boyfriend and your child.
Anyway, your relationship with your parents is your business. If your boyfriend helps you set some boundaries, you should own them when you talk it over with your parents. In other words, keep him out of the mix at that point.
You could tell your parents just what you wrote here: You are glad they are there when you need them, but you are worried that the boyfriend issue will cause some tension. See how they handle that news, and you will know how it is going to work out. If they are honestly receptive to keeping things civil, you will be ok. If they balk at not being able to voice their disapproval, you are going to have problems for the next two years at least.
There could be some other options, like rooming with a friend who has a similar lifestyle, for one. I applaud you for wanting to stand on your own feet but you may have to make some compromises for now. Good luck.
This would be more appropriate in the Relationship forum, I think.
Though I do think you want to have your cake and eat it too - it's not good enough that your parents will support you financially for the next two years, you want them to LIKE it. I guess maybe this IS a parenting issue - seems to me that they've given you some entitlement issues.
As to your BFs idea of you "all" sitting down - yep, sounds like some control issues. He's LEAVING, he hasn't married you (why buy the cow?) and now he wants to tell your parents how to act while they financially support you for two years?
Here's my "parenting" advice... grow up. Support yourself. Make your own decisions, then live with the consequences. Or keep letting others tell you what to do - but deal with the consequences of that too - life really IS that simple!
As to your BFs idea of you "all" sitting down - yep, sounds like some control issues. He's LEAVING, he hasn't married you (why buy the cow?) and now he wants to tell your parents how to act while they financially support you for two years?
That's what I thought, too!
He gets to do what he wants to do (new job, moving).... AND he wants to control the OP and her parents. Red flags to me!
I'm more concerned about the reasons you are separating. He got a great job offer. You can't leave for two years because of complications with your job? I've never heard of such a thing unless you're in a contract.
I'm just warning you that most long distance relationships don't end up working out. My sister was engaged to marry after she graduated college. Her fiance graduated a year ahead of her and moved to Texas. They broke off the engagement two months before the wedding because he got on with his life without her there. Later, she married another man and a few years afterwards, she stayed in NYC while he moved to start a job at a university in another city. They divorced six months after she moved to live with him because he ended up enjoying the single life while living on his own at the university. I could go on and on with examples. Sure, there are successful long distance relationships, but I'm 100% with your parents not wanting you to put your life on hold for someone else. I see no reason to put your life on hold. I truly see no reason for the two of you to separate. Either you can get over these job complications or he can wait and accept another job in the future.
As for negativity from your parents, don't move in with them if you don't want to hear their opinions. You're an adult. You should be living on your own. If you need to live with your parents so you can afford to visit your boyfriend, hearing their opinions is the price you will pay. Yes, you want to have your cake and eat it too. You can't demand people support decisions they don't agree with. Just consider yourself lucky that they're willing to support you financially by letting you move back into their house.
If I were you, I would stay on my own, move with the boyfriend, or have the boyfriend stay. I would not move back in with my parents with the way you feel about their opinions.
I'm a little troubled by some comments here. Everyone's entitled to his/her own opinion, of course, but as a parent of grown children myself, I would do anything humanly possible to help my children in any case. Keep in mind, that also includes NOT helping them when it's the right answer.
That being said, if one of my kids moved back in, I would expect him to act like an adult member of the family, i.e., be responsible, be communicative, pick up after yourself, etc. But I would NOT assume that just because my child was once again in my house that I would get to tell him how to live his life. There comes a point where a parent has to let go. Just ask yourself if you would treat a friend that way, if he/she was staying with you for a while.
PS: This is hard-won advice.
Last edited by JoanD'Arc; 05-13-2010 at 05:35 PM..
At 25 years old, even if you are living at home, the idea of your BF and parents having a sit-down to discuss your relationship seems strange to me. you are old enough to make your own decisions. You are old enough to support yourself, and, while paying down debt is a good thing, I really wonder if moving home at your age is a good idea.
Your parents' concern about putting your life on hold is reasonable. And that's a bad "atmosphere?" You're a little too sensitive. As long as they don't constantly nag you about it, what's the problem?
I'd tell my own daughter that. Go ahead and wait if you want, but don't be surprised if things don't turn out the way you expect. 2 years is too long. A year, maybe, 2, nope.
I think this could be a good test for your relationship. If after 2 years you are still together then go ahead and marry. I do not get why your parents think you are putting your life on hold, it is not like you have someone else lined up to marry. Also I think this opportunity will give you a chance to grow as a person because you'll do everything by yourself without relying on a man. The whole thing about your boyfriend talking to your parents sounds to me like there may be some co-dependency.
Also I think this opportunity will give you a chance to grow as a person because you'll do everything by yourself without relying on a man. The whole thing about your boyfriend talking to your parents sounds to me like there may be some co-dependency.
She's not doing it all by herself if she goes to live with her parents. (Relying on parents and relying on men are both debilitating.)
Maybe she is co-dependent by not having learned how to take care of herself and make her own decisions.
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