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Hi everyone,
My daughter, who just turned 13 3 months ago-is in serious need of counseling in my opinion. She had been in the GATE program at school since 4th grade. As a result, she went to a school that was considerably farther away. The first two years were fine. However, as soon as she finished 5th grade, I noticed a change in her personality. She became more demanding and wanted things immediately. I'm more of a disciplinarian but my husband started to give in to what she wanted as she is the only girl (we have 2 other boys). She went to restaurants whenever she wanted and would get to buy whatever clothes she wanted. My husband said that this was just a phase and she will mature. As she went through 6th grade she started to develop a stronger bond with my husband as he would "spoil" her. I continued to let it be.
She soon started to lock the doors and have no restriction on bed times. Her grades started to slip because she spent a lot of time chatting on line. She started locking the doors whenever I came back from work so that I couldn't meet her and tell her to do her homework. She would goad my husband into letting her miss sunday school and would manipulate her way into lots of things, eventually he was obligated to do what she said otherwise she would raise her voice and have a tantrum. I tried to intervene on several occasions, but my husband said that at this age she needed us to be her friends and that she would get better.
Eventually, end of 6th grade came about and my husband and I wanted her to go to a private school. However, she maintained that she wanted to go to the school that was near her current elementary school. The junior high she wanted to go to was in a far inferior neighborhood and my husband and I were opposed to the idea. We really wanted to spend whatever money we had in her education-but she refuted the idea and created a huge fit whenever we mentioned the thought. It was with great difficulty that she took the entrance exam. That whole Summer 2008 was an uphill battle trying to get her to agree to the idea. We bribed her and did many nice things for her just to hear the words " I will consider it". However, she changed her statements and didn't even consider it at the end. She did however promise to be on her best behavior and have good grades if we sent her to the school of her choice.
We consulted with her previous teachers and some others and they said that it would be detrimental to upset the child at this age. So we agreed and gave into her demands. In order to honor her request, we had to make several changes to our schedules and there was a lot of inconvenience/driving involved. I noticed that her profanity usage became increased and she started going out late on Friday's to see movies. She would never let us see who she goes to the see movies with. Her attitude shifted to not wanting to have anything to do with the family. She became much more strong willed and determined.
She had never been one to help out with the house, but she did occasionally help her little brother with homework. But she has stopped doing that. She has gotten into text messaging and forced us to get unlimited text messaging. She wants her meals and water delivered to her upstairs to her room and calls her father whenever he comes home to do it. He is 51 years old and works long hours, but she still forces him to do her work. Recently, she has also gotten into Skateboarding. I am totally for physical activity so I have no problem with that. However, she wants to make a career out of it and has totally neglected school to do it. I scheduled a trainer for her to make her happy and give her the impression that we want her to succeed but also to boost her confidence. She wants to spend 22 hours a week on skateboarding and has injured her foot and ankle doing it. She forces my husband to take her to nearest highschool to practice on the weekends after he has worked.
She won't go on any trips as a family or to any event/dinner. But she will beg to go out with her friends and create a tantrum until we accept her request. She has damaged our walls by punching in them and has broken one laptop so far. But most of all, she is slowly controlling our family and tearing apart my marriage due to her manipulations of my husband. She is a 13 year old girl who is very immature by regular standards and she has a huge anger issue that needs to be resolved. I tried talking to the school psychologist and they advise counseling. However, she will not willingly go and I can't get her to move a finger if she doesn't want to. Is there anything I can do to force her to go? Any type of force or authority that will back up and uphold my rights as a mother?
I love my kid with all my heart. I know I might sound like I'm just whining, but I'm very sad and heartbroken because it feels like I'm losing my daughter. I just want her to understand and be receptive. She is at an extreme and she has to be tamed or else god knows what will happen when she grows up.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, also I am in the North Orange County, CA area so if there is any resource there that I can use please let me know.
Your husband spoiled her and you let him. Being a 13 year old girl is tough because (if you remember) it feels like the world is against you, but that's no excuse for being disrespectful. At the end of the day, you need to get your husband on your side and to see that giving in to her wants was what got her to where she is now. Once you two present a united front, do what you think is best for her- take the hinges off the door if you don't like her locking the door, take away her laptop and require her to use a family computer in the living room, there are ways to stop the behavior you don't like. You keep dangling carrots when you need sticks. For example, you gave her a tutor in the hopes she would focus on school. Instead, you should have said she could continue to learn skateboarding IF she maintains good grades. Your only legal duty is to provide her with food (but not whatever she wants), water and a roof. She doesn't need a phone, computer, desk, more than two pairs of clothes, etc. You can take all those away.
Whatever you do, don't do it in a mean way. Constantly reassure her that you do love her but don't like her behavior and that's why she's losing privileges. As she starts to shape up, conditionally restore privileges as she improves. She will scream and yell and tell you both that she hates you, but neither you nor your husband can give in. If you do, she will never learn to behave.
I was a pretty good teen girl and I still remember screaming at my mother that I hated her and wished she was dead a few times. Understand that she doesn't mean it but that she's learning how to control herself. Don't let it get to you too much.
seriously... you and your DH have created her sense of entitlement. Your actions have shown her she can throw a fit and get what she wants. I would suggest parenting classes and counseling for you and your DH. When the two of you are able to communicate and parent effectively, you will be able to confront some of the behaviors you have thus far accepted into your home.
this is not spoiling---she sounds like many of the teenagers i dealt with on their way to a juvenile center---she and your ENTIRE family need counseling NOW before the law gets involved as she is heading for trouble and if your husband won't go you go with her even if she is kicking and screaming all the way and refuses to talk the first 29 times she goes-----she will NOT grow out of this without intervention-----no finger pointing---just therapy
All of you desperately need counseling. Even if one of you has to carry her or drag her. She's a minor; you don't need a special authority. You are her parent. That's your authority right there. You're going to have to undo the damage you've already done by allowing her to run your household. If you want her to go to a specific school, why are you negotiating with her? If you don't like that she locks the door, take it off it's hinges. How does a 13 year old "force" you to get unlimited texting? Just take away the phone!
On one hand, she's being 13. I think many of us can attest to being horrible to our parents around that age. But you have to be her parent, not her friend!
Take away everything and I mean everything that a 13 year old girl loves..... phones, video games, computers, tv and her friends coming over for visits, and have a long list of household chores for her to do daily after school, then her homework and studying is to be done, after that, its helping prepare dinner, clean-up and bedtime. I'll just betcha she will become a nice young lady and make a 180-degree turn-around within a few days then! You both need some tough love in that house and not back down and give in to your child. Your husband needs to back you up too or she is going to spiral out of control real fast. I know from watching my brother go through the same thing with his out-of-control teen-age daughter back years ago. They spoiled her rotten from the time she was 4 or 5 years old and then when she became 11 or 12 yrs old, she was totally out-of-control with drugs, skipping school,sneaking out at night, getting pregnant and having the baby born with spina-bifida {from all the drugs}then getting pregnant again! If you and your husband does't want to have to go through all of this kind of turmoil, then let her keep making her own rules and just learn the hard way where this type of behavior is heading. I would also advise you to let your husband read all of these replies too. It might just wake him up alittle.
How in the world does a 13 year old "force" you to get unlimited texting? I just got unlimited texting and I'm 24! lol
I don't understand how she is forcing anyone to do anything? I 100000 percent would take the computer away, the cell phone, etc. Those are privilages, not rights.
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