Dating Age/Courtship

[beth ann]

[QUOTE=lifesigns64;848928

they're friends as young as 13 are allowed to date or have a steady.

My son is 11 and doesn't even want to invite girls to his birthday party....he's too much into sports now to pay attention....I know it's just a matter of time......but, now I'm enjoying him still being a boy

When high school comes, then I think it is completely appropriate to date. It's just the kind of dating that will be discussed/debated, etc.

[lifesigns64]

I learned alot from your replies, thank you.

I've read each reply several times, and I thought alot about what you all had to say about your opinions on my 14 year old dating.

First, I realized that some of my fears are coming from:

1. My own teen years which were largely unsupervised, where I had alot of freedom, ended up making bad choices.

2. Son and I are real close, when he was an infant, we went away with family for a weekend and came up and found a note from husband, who planned/used this weekend to get a moving truck and pack up almost all our belongings, and left me stranded with a beautiful baby, with no money, furniture, and lots of debt. For him, I became strong, grew up, and put my heartache on the back burned, and focused on making a life for us.

3. In the last few years I had got a flu that never went away, and to make a long story short, was diagnosed with a bone marrow disorder, the prognosis, grim at best. Did not handle this news well at all, and my fears of leaving him and my other children have gotten the best of me. Not only have my kids seen me deal with this illness, but the psychological and emotional mess this caused me, and of couse, that impacted them seeing me an emotional scared nervous wreck.


I guess I just have been feeling that in the last few years I have been so sick, and now am in remission and feeling good. A lot of time was lost for all of us, and I don't know how long I will be feeling this good

My kids, especially him, have suffered emotionally during my illness, and he has feared losing me as well.

At this time I just want to make up for all the time I was laying in bed and in the hospital and share my newfound energy with my kids, spend time, take them places and just be there for them.

This has played alot into it, I have realized . . . . 14 years have passed so quickly, and I want to hold on longer.

But that being said, I do think that kids do get involved too young with people of the opposite sex . . . and they lose their focus on family, school, sports, interests, etc.

All your input has helped me realize alot about why I am feeling so adamant about him not dating yet, and I wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts . . . .

P.S. Just got a tattoo with my kids names on it. My 14 year old freaked out and said that it was "inappropriate" and that I am losing it . . . now, I have embarassed him again . . . . sometimes a parent of a teen just can't win!!!!!!

[belovenow]

Originally Posted by lifesigns64

Has anyone read the book by Joshua Harris "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"?
I ask because I really feel that having a steady boyfriend/girlfriend for my kids is something that, well, I just don't want them to get involved with now. I've made them read the book and they understand it, sort of agree with it, but they're friends as young as 13 are allowed to date or have a steady.
That being said, my point is that there is so much to focus on, school, hobbies, family, youth groups . . . sometimes when you get involved with dating, your head/main focus is on that person.
I was allowed to date young, and it did nothing but distract me.
My oldest is almost 15, but we have no intention of allowing him to have a steady in the near future. This is one time when I mean what I say, and say what I mean . . . .

A thought I have is the following. You're right on about dating as a distraction; but that won't mysteriously not happen if your kids don't date until later in life. I was pretty sheltered and can tell you from experience once I started, dating was a huge distraction for me. Once I discovered women... studies were definitely a secondary priority. In fact I kind of skipped the whole innocent dating thing and jumped into relationships. I was lucky to get the college degrees I did.

I look back and think the real issue is to not shelter your kids/forbid dating or interaction with the opposite sex - with a good percentage of children having sex in their early teens today, and with the Information age being what it is sheltering isn't even feasible like it used to be.

Instead share with them up front at a young age or when they show first interest how there is a lot to do in life and encourage them not to get too distracted or focused on any single thing; such as dating - in particular a significant other. If you do this in combination with helping your kids "stay busy" via activities, and showing them and talking with them about the merits of being involved and or good at many things, perhaps dating won't be such a huge distraction for them.

I think this approach which doesn't attempt to supress the natural urges and tendencies of adolescents makes the most sense. Any attempt at supression and you would just find that your kids may be doing things behind your back... definitely a bad situation. Once communications between parent and child break down, it's hard to repair so it's best to keep it real with them and start early.

In an ideal world, perhaps you could cram all the learning/teachings you wish to impart to your kids before they find a mate or even get married - but that's unrealistic. It is not just Christianity but several religious systems which try to discourage dating or pre-marital sex. The reality is that you as the parent still need to parent despite what might be said on Sundays by the preachers. Continue to use your personal experiences and knowledge to highlight or justify the advice you regularly give to your kids. It's the best thing you can do. Your kids will make their own choices, but you definitely have the ability to influence them - I think reason, years of experience, and leading by example are the best tools at your disposal.