Daughter won't let a relationship go (BF, teenage, support, parents)
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What do you do when your 14 year old won't let a relationship go? She and her boyfriend broke up, FINALLY (we figured they'd never last three months). Now she's chasing after him. He, apparently, has a new girlfriend but she keeps going over to see him (Dad lets her go, if it were up to me, I'd have a no contact rule).
Ok, I need to sit down with her and explain in terms a 14 year old will understand that you cannot make someone love you and all the theatrics in the world won't change that he has moved on. Any advice from parents who have, recently, had to do this? She's my drama queen. The world is coming to an end for sure. I'm not really sure how to help her through this but I do need to get her to stop chasing him. It's not helping.
Ok, I need to sit down with her and explain in terms a 14 year old will understand that you cannot make someone love you and all the theatrics in the world won't change that he has moved on.
Although your goal isn't to get them back together, she also could use the lesson that chasing doesn't attract them back and chasing pushes them further away. Getting on with your life and being happy is more likely to attract his attention again---or anyone's attention.
What do you do when your 14 year old won't let a relationship go? She and her boyfriend broke up, FINALLY (we figured they'd never last three months). Now she's chasing after him. He, apparently, has a new girlfriend but she keeps going over to see him (Dad lets her go, if it were up to me, I'd have a no contact rule).
Ok, I need to sit down with her and explain in terms a 14 year old will understand that you cannot make someone love you and all the theatrics in the world won't change that he has moved on. Any advice from parents who have, recently, had to do this? She's my drama queen. The world is coming to an end for sure. I'm not really sure how to help her through this but I do need to get her to stop chasing him. It's not helping.
Thanks in advance for your advice.
Ivory, she may still be a bit young, but consider buying her Dr. Laura's book, "The 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives".
Even if it's too mature for her, you might gain some tidbits yourself from reading it that you could then talk to her about. I give this book to girls I know when they graduate from high school - it's a great book for empowering young women. Best of luck with your daughter
Your daughter needs to be told that when someone doesn't want a relationship with someone, it isn't worth chasing. Bolster her self-esteem and convince her she is worth more than wallowing and chasing after someone who clearly is finished with their relationship.
Maybe she can be encouraged to get involved with other friends.
What do you do when your 14 year old won't let a relationship go? She and her boyfriend broke up, FINALLY (we figured they'd never last three months). Now she's chasing after him. He, apparently, has a new girlfriend but she keeps going over to see him (Dad lets her go, if it were up to me, I'd have a no contact rule).
Ok, I need to sit down with her and explain in terms a 14 year old will understand that you cannot make someone love you and all the theatrics in the world won't change that he has moved on. Any advice from parents who have, recently, had to do this? She's my drama queen. The world is coming to an end for sure. I'm not really sure how to help her through this but I do need to get her to stop chasing him. It's not helping.
Thanks in advance for your advice.
I don't really think you can say anything to her. Remember what it was like to be 14 and in "love"? You can tell her all the basics, about how chasing drives people away, etc..., but she probably will have to figure this out herself.
I would try to get her involved in some new activity...maybe something that she has mentioned in the past...like doing some charity/service work, or joining a political campaign, or taking ice skating lessons...whatever would be fun and help her meet new people (boys, too). If she learns to do something new that will help her self esteem. Good luck. It's hard being 14!
she had a bf with 14..first of all,this would very hard work with me...my junior will be 13 and looks much older and i notice,how many girls are looking after him...same type like your daughter,sorry to tell that,but i do not consider them too smart...they should go out with the mathematic book not with my son..at this age education is number one,not bf or gf...you should tell her to stop this bs,concentrate on her education and schools..there are enough uneducated people in this country and even with education life is hard in usa,bad economical times and so on..in order to achieve something in these times in usa,you have to start very early work on your education..she shoudl focus on learning,not running after boys in this age and sex in such an early age..
american parents should generally become more stricte and disciplinate their children make them focus on sports and school in such an age and not sexual activity with bf and gf...if she starts so early,she will change the boys like her underware (like my grandma used to say)...so she is on a great way to become a bad girl..in this age boys do not take her seriously (after 3 months he dumped her,for another maybe hotter one)..she is only an object to have fun for them (they have no other intention with her then have sex with her),so most likely she will go from boy to boy,if she does not realize this and a lot of deceptions..you as a mother has the responsability to prevent that and educate her to have other priorities in such an early age!!!..not be (we have an european saying)everybody's matress in such an early age!!sorry to tell you that,but this is the truth..in the middle school at my son,there are such girls with bf already...not a high percent,but they represent the future easy prays!!and so are the smart boys also thinking about them,sory to tell you that....only stupid girls starts their sex life in this age and have a bf with 14...and if you watch their life path,they do not make it too far,neither career,education,nor emotionally
Last edited by Buburuza13; 02-19-2010 at 02:24 PM..
Sorry to say, but girls that age usually are more hormonal and emotional (I'm setting myself to get murderlized by a few here :X), so her actions are expected. The best thing you can do as a parent is to talk to her, comfort her, and provide her with support and guidance while firmly telling her that you are always open for talk or assistance. Then leave it at that. She will come to you if she needs help. Time will only heal her wounds and clear her mind.
Your job is to make sure she does not do anything stupid (suicide, stalk, harass, etc) while being there for support.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to take her out shopping or do something fun to get her mind off of the ex. And encourage her to spend more time with her friends to vent or let her vent at you.
There will be ******yness and drama around the house for a while..so please be tolerant and let this run its course.
Anyone else noticed that love is an elixir of life and also a bottle of poison? >.>
Ok, I need to sit down with her and explain in terms a 14 year old will understand that you cannot make someone love you and all the theatrics in the world won't change that he has moved on. Any advice from parents who have, recently, had to do this? She's my drama queen. The world is coming to an end for sure. I'm not really sure how to help her through this but I do need to get her to stop chasing him. It's not helping.
Oh God. This brings back so many memories. I am 37 now but I had a boyfriend from my sophomore year in high school until I graduated. For whatever reason, I was just sure we'd stay together through college (even though we didn't go to the same school...we were across the state from each other!) and I was absolutely devastated when he called me and asked to have the heart-to-heart talk with me. He broke up with me and my 17 year old brain thought the world was ending. I moped around the house and couldn't even feel any enthusiasm for starting college. Drama, drama, drama. I honestly spent my entire freshman year of college trying to contact him and imagining that every phone call was him calling to tell me he had made a mistake and that he couldn't wait to see me during school breaks. Nope.
My mother, God bless her, took me aside and firmly told me that I needed to write down 10 things I didn't like about my ex. She told me that she didn't care what they were as long as there were 10 of them. My brain just couldn't wrap around anything that was "imperfect" but I managed to get one thing on the list (his hair was frosted...hey it was 1990!). The other 9 took me a while but by the time I got to #10, the list got more catty but it also helped to put him into perspective. When I saw him again during Summer Break, I had a slight "pang" but it was much easier than I thought it would be.
Right now your daughter thinks her life is over and that no one will ever love her who was as perfect as her ex boyfriend. As adults, we know this just isn't true but she's 14...remember what we thought of our parent's advice when we were 14?
Have her write a list of things she didn't like about him. It will help her put him into perspective. Surely there is something that "Romeo" didn't do...did he call her EVERY time he said he would? Were his teeth crooked? Did he get zits on his chin? No matter what's on the list, seeing him as imperfect will help her get over the fantasy faster. He's a teenage boy for heaven's sake! There are bound to be imperfections. Let her be catty, mean, honest. Once she remembers how his breath stunk like Funions, perhaps she will not be as devastated as she is living in her "I will never find anyone else" world.
Your daughter needs to be told that when someone doesn't want a relationship with someone, it isn't worth chasing. Bolster her self-esteem and convince her she is worth more than wallowing and chasing after someone who clearly is finished with their relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by the3Ds
My mother, God bless her, took me aside and firmly told me that I needed to write down 10 things I didn't like about my ex. She told me that she didn't care what they were as long as there were 10 of them. My brain just couldn't wrap around anything that was "imperfect" but I managed to get one thing on the list (his hair was frosted...hey it was 1990!). The other 9 took me a while but by the time I got to #10, the list got more catty but it also helped to put him into perspective. When I saw him again during Summer Break, I had a slight "pang" but it was much easier than I thought it would be.
Have her write a list of things she didn't like about him. It will help her put him into perspective. Surely there is something that "Romeo" didn't do...did he call her EVERY time he said he would? Were his teeth crooked? Did he get zits on his chin? No matter what's on the list, seeing him as imperfect will help her get over the fantasy faster. He's a teenage boy for heaven's sake! There are bound to be imperfections. Let her be catty, mean, honest. Once she remembers how his breath stunk like Funions, perhaps she will not be as devastated as she is living in her "I will never find anyone else" world.
Both of these posts offer the best advice in the entire thread!
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