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I feel bad for my daughter and it makes me so angry about her boyfriend. My daughter is 19 and has been dating this guy who is 20 for 4 years. He does nothing with his life and still hasn't graduated high school. He is a 1/2 credit short of English and 1 credit short of an elective of graduating. He refuses to work as well.
His mother has had it with him too. She told him to get out of the house, shut the cable off, shut the house phone off, and won't buy food. He's been staying at hotels with friends.
He uses my daughter's car and cell phone. He runs up her bill and I pay for it, so I end up shutting it off. Her car has turned into a taxi and he doesn't help with the upkeep. My husband and I have to pay for the maintenance and repairs. The only reason we do it is b/c it's our daughters only transportation to college.
I feel bad for my daughter b/c she keeps trying to help him and she runs herself into the ground. She's trying to do the right thing by going to college, but he keeps bringing her down. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just doesn't see it b/c she loves him.
We've been nothing but nice to her boyfriend and all he does is walk all over my daughter and us. Everytime something goes wrong, guess who gets stuck with the bill? We do! It's just so frustrating!
I know if my daughter wants to be with him, we can't change that. I just get mad that everytime something goes wrong, it falls on us. It always seems like we take it out on our daughter and she thinks that, but it's not directed towards her. Thanks for letting me vent.
Simple solution. STOP PAYING FOR HIS FREE RIDE! Maintenance and repairs?? If she's letting him use the car and he's destroying it, why should you pay for it??? I also hope that car is not under your insurance!
I would stop shelling out money. Once your daughter has to find her own way to school because he messed up her car or she has to shell out a bunch of HER OWN MONEY, she'll wake up. The longer you pay for it, the longer she'll be with him.
Can you drive her to college? If she doesn't have a car because it is broken down, then she will have to hitch a ride with another student, a co-worker or take public transp.
Does she work? She should, so she can pay for some stuff... unfortunately sounds like she will give him money too. She will get tired of THAT really fast though, esp. if he is not working!! She needs to set limits if the relationship is to continue with her NOT being a total doormat.
His mother has had it with him too. She told him to get out of the house, shut the cable off, shut the house phone off, and won't buy food. He's been staying at hotels with friends.
He uses my daughter's car and cell phone. He runs up her bill and I pay for it, so I end up shutting it off. Her car has turned into a taxi and he doesn't help with the upkeep. My husband and I have to pay for the maintenance and repairs. The only reason we do it is b/c it's our daughters only transportation to college.
I feel bad for my daughter b/c she keeps trying to help him and she runs herself into the ground. She's trying to do the right thing by going to college, but he keeps bringing her down. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just doesn't see it b/c she loves him.
We've been nothing but nice to her boyfriend and all he does is walk all over my daughter and us. Everytime something goes wrong, guess who gets stuck with the bill? We do! It's just so frustrating!
I know if my daughter wants to be with him, we can't change that. I just get mad that everytime something goes wrong, it falls on us. It always seems like we take it out on our daughter and she thinks that, but it's not directed towards her. Thanks for letting me vent.
Sounds like HIS mother is the only smart one of the bunch.
If you're going to continue to pay for his shinanegans, don't complain. Your daughter is making a choice to stay with him. She is not obligated to at all. IT'S HER CHOICE. YOU are making the choice to enable both of them.
Either put your foot down, or don't complain about it.
Either put your foot down, or don't complain about it.
Exactly. Tell you daughter as long she continues to finance and "raise" him, then you will no longer finance and continue "raising" her. That's BS. Why in heck hasn't your husband put his foot down? You won't stand for it?
I would sit down with your daughter and have a talk. It sounds like she has low self esteem and needs someone to tell her she is a wonderful girl who deserves a man in her life who will treat her correctly. Let her know you will love her no matter her choice, but you cannot stand by and watch her be treated this way by a boy.
Tell her it is okay to be in a relationship that fails, it is okay to break it off, even if it means stranding her boyfriend. Let her know it is not her responsibility to make sure he has a happy life. She needs to put herself first and you are there to help her do that.
I would do what the others suggested and tell her you will no longer maintain her car while she is with him. Make sure the message comes over loud and clear how much you love her, how she is deserving of someone better and how you will still love her no matter her choice. Good luck.
I agree with everyone else. Tell your daughter you will not pay for any expenses he incurs. You did the right thing with the cell phone- now on to the car. Figure out what her monthly mileage should be between school and home and give her a few extra miles for going out within reason. If she keeps the car within the accepted range, then pay for the car. If she goes above the mileage and something breaks, she pays. You are enabling the boyfriend by enabling her. Once she is fully responsible for paying for him, it'll get old really quick.
She's 19 and if she gets mad that you won't pay for her boyfriend, she can move out. Your daughter sounds like a nice girl and a dose of reality in having to pay for her boyfriend probably won't drive her away from you as long as she knows that you love her and are there to help her if she wants to get her relationship sorted.
Who is on the title to the car and who pays the insurance? If you are on the title and the insurance is in your name, you can restrict who drives it. Tell your daughter he is no longer allowed to drive the car and if he does, you'll report it stolen.
As to the relationship, talk to your daughter. Ask her what she thinks her future life would be if she stays with/marries this boy. If she thinks/hopes he'll change, ask her to think about what would happen if he doesn't. About all you can do is to point out what her possible options are and hope she'll make the right decision. If the relationship is abusive, seek help for her to get out of it.
Don't freak out about taking away the car if you have to. If school's all that important to her, she'll either follow your rules, or she can figure out another way to get there. Or she'll just have to get a job to buy a car and continue school then.
To the OP: Your daughter sounds like she has a Rescuer Personality. What do you think?
This is not a bad thing when directed in the proper areas. Many people in law enforcement/emergency services and volunteers have this same personality.
Maybe you could approach her from this direction. Praise her for being so kind-hearted and willing to help others. And show her ways to do that.
And draw the line about the boyfriend driving the car you pay for. And the money.
Best wishes.
~l~
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