What would you do? Teenage daughter (18 years old, student, school, friends)

[Momma_bear]

Originally Posted by NY Annie

I'm not so sure that she has proved she needs supervision more than what she is already getting. But you weren't suggesting supervision but a state so clearly showing distrust that she might as well have been in ankle chains. The only thing you didn't suggest was a beating with a truncheon!

The kid made a mistake - it COULD have been costly but it wasn't. It was an error in judgment and she deserves a 2nd chance not a prison term. I think the OP has a good head on his shoulders.

I am not suggesting a prison term. I am suggesting that she be allowed to go out, but that her dad knows the details. I am suggesting she be allowed to have friends over, buy only when her dad is home. I am suggesting that her father verify that there will be adults in the home when she goes to her friends house. That is hardly a prison term. She's only 15.

[jb03]

Originally Posted by cedew

Having a daughter is rough. You know what they say, "when you have a son you only have one penor to worry about, when you have a daughter...you have 10,000 to worry about".

Oh yeah...

Originally Posted by cedew

Luckily I found dirt bikes at 13, that saved me.

My 12 year old son is into dirt bikes....a parent only needs ONE of those in a family

(I also know some ER doctors who will back me up on that...)

Originally Posted by cedew

Find something really cool and fun to get your daughter into, motorcycling, go karting, shooting, heck maybe even skydiving. Show her that there is fun stuff to do when you're not making out and drinking or smoking weed.

I definitely agree that it helps for a kid to have those adrenaline/exciting/risky moments elsewhere. For my daughter snowboard season is basically upon her so that'll provide a distraction (oh, that appeals to her greedy side! "you don't NEED a new board just because there are some slightly different patterns on them this year"). As a bonus...the new boy is not a skier or snowboarder so he won't be hanging around on the mountains.... just quietly,

Originally Posted by cedew

but I think I would immediately remove all restrictions on her. No grounding, no lingering punishment of any kind.

Is that right? I think that I need to stick to it this time, since I've told her that's what's going to happen. She doesn't get grounded all that often so, it should be a sign to her, I want to make an impression. I guess I just want her to have some time to reflect on her friend choices, and her ideas on what a fun night is...

Originally Posted by cedew

I would tell her once, in an extremely direct fashion, how often kids die in cars when screwing around with alcohol/drugs, and if she ever finds herself in that situation...speak up and get out of the car! Let her know she really can call you anytime day or night for help in any situation she's not comfortable with. Maybe even come up with a discreet texting way to do so.

I think that's all so important. The texting idea is really good. There is a SADD group at her high school. I've been thinking about asking her to attend at least one of their meetings or become involved in at least one of their events.

Originally Posted by cedew

If you somehow managed to control her, she's going to be like a kid in a candy store when she turns 18 and moves out, no bueno.

I do remember those kids even from when I was at college...they would've had beer with breakfast if they were up in time for breakfast.

[jb03]

Originally Posted by lionandlamb

just seems that when they reach a certian age, fear sets in of telling the truth, they start experimenting with life

I have been wondering if this is just the 'start' of something like that. I just hope that she'll stay comfortable with coming to me with things, like she has been.

Originally Posted by lionandlamb

Said by us having that hang out place for them in the backyard was the trick. We weathered with out any major problems.

That's been one of my theories. Our house is one of the places that the kids hang out (the group of kids that I know well, not the new ones). My kids' friends are always welcome here. I think that it's important for a group of teens to have at least a couple of homes where they can all hang out.

Originally Posted by lionandlamb

DO you know what happen to the 16 yr old boy?

So far as I know, just the same as what happened with my daughter. The only one who really got into any trouble with the police was the driver, a couple of traffic violations.

[Bansidhbabe]

I don't know how much help I can be but I am going through the exact same thing.

Daughter was an angel till she turned twelve.

Then she got in with a bad crowd that I was naive enough to trust because they came to me with their problems and asked for hugs when things weren't going right at home and me being soft hearted tried to solve their problems for them.

Then I found out they were laughing at me behind my back. My 12 year old daughter was introduced to marijuana, alcohol mixed with pills, smoking and other things I don't want to even think about. She started running away from home, bringing her stoned friends home (which I had no idea never having seen the effects of drugs before). They were breaking into cars for fun and they were trying to steal products from grocery stores. Trust me I quickly got sick and tired of the police showing up at my door.

In Canada 14-year-olds have legal rights you cannot imagine. I cannot make her stay home if she chooses to run. I can not get her medical help and I cannot encourage her to go to counseling with out her consent.

Now she lives with my sister. She takes great joy in telling me about all the time she had her stoned friends at my home playing with lighters and matches. she loves to tell me to go f*** myself and that she will never come home again to live. And I realize now I've lost her for good.

I believe that tough love is the only way to go. It broke my heart but tonight I told her neverto call me again. Our relationship is completely damaged because of her lies and deceptions and the knowledge that I can never trust her again.

good luck

peace

[ukiyo-e]

Originally Posted by jtur88

1. You are never going to be "impressed with the boy", no matter who he is. Deall with that.

Hey! I have a 19-year-old son and his girlfriend's parents think he's great. And I like her, too. They are both bright, focused college students and a pleasure to be around.

My mother never liked any of my older brother's girlfriends, but it was because he was an electrical engineer and she was always convinced that they were "only after him for his money." I think he listened to her too much and he ended up not marrying until age 48, and has no kids as a result. Sometimes a parent's refusal to accept ANYONE their child is involved with is a reflection of their inability to let go, not the people their child is dating.

[ukiyo-e]

Originally Posted by Bansidhbabe

Now she lives with my sister. She takes great joy in telling me about all the time she had her stoned friends at my home playing with lighters and matches. she loves to tell me to go f*** myself and that she will never come home again to live. And I realize now I've lost her for good.

I believe that tough love is the only way to go. It broke my heart but tonight I told her never to call me again. Our relationship is completely damaged because of her lies and deceptions and the knowledge that I can never trust her again.

Gosh, that is truly heart-breaking. I have a friend who has a daughter in her 40s and they've been estranged for years. My friend finally stopped sending her money when other friends convinced her there was only one way she was going through cash that fast - drugs or gambling.

I was a difficult teen...although I was a near straight-A student, I was very rebellious. I believe that in my case, overly-strict parents made it worse, because it was a challenge to figure out ways to defy them. By the time I got to college, though, I was so interested in my chosen field of study I didn't have time to party and get into mischief anymore. I also have a neighbor who had a very difficult, but intelligent, daughter. She started college at 16, and slowly buckled down and got more serious about her life. Not all teens are going to be troubled for life; for some, it's just a phase. Unfortunately for parents, though, there doesn't seem to be any way to predict which way the kids will go.

[jb03]

Originally Posted by lionandlamb

DO you know what happen to the 16 yr old boy?

Actually I was mistaken in thinking that the same thing happened to the boy as what happened with my daughter. Turns out, according to my daughter, that he's on some kind of juvenile diversion now, for minor in possession. Apparently he's been down this road before... I asked my daughter if she thought that this was a good person to get around with. She agreed no, probably not...

Originally Posted by Bansidhbabe

I believe that tough love is the only way to go. It broke my heart but tonight I told her neverto call me again. Our relationship is completely damaged because of her lies and deceptions and the knowledge that I can never trust her again.

Sorry to hear how things have turned out for you. And all from 12 years old! That's terrifying for a parent. I hope that in the future she can somehow repair things with you.

A comfort that I have for now is that I know that my daughter feels bad for having lied to me about what she was up to.

Originally Posted by angelbug

Sometimes a parent's refusal to accept ANYONE their child is involved with is a reflection of their inability to let go, not the people their child is dating.

Yes, you do have to, eventually, have trust in their judgement. I say eventually because...well, teenagers stumble around a bit when it comes to that...

[CA4Now]

Originally Posted by scarmig

I would tell her that if she feels she is old enough to hang out with these people and do the things they are doing, she is old enough to bear the consequences of her actions. Then I would have her list the consequences, so that you know she is aware of them. If she isn't aware of them all, help her finish the list (Socratic method!). This gives her power to make the decision, and no possible way to deny the possible consequences, and it keeps you out of the role of being the bad guy judge.

Best advice on the whole thread, IMO. And to the OP, the fact that your home is a place where other kids want to hang out is a good sign. That's a huge deterrent to future troubles.

[Sundance]

I recommend the book, "Toughlove," by Phyllis and David York. It's not new, but it's very good. Good luck

[cristina gomes]

Here in Germany to hide with the teenagers or even with the kids ist difficult to much for me.The germans leave the childrens and teenagers with the feelings of independence to early and after 14 y old they feel adult anyway.I see in the television or with my daughter as well that they are not real interested on the parents oppinions.Lot of kids are registrated by police problems already or justice.A few family has the idea really what means to be family or respecting each other,which I feel bad,cause in Brazil we have another Teory about that.I know what is to handle with kids or teenagers who thinks just to be independent and making what they want cause the low gives then more freedom as times before.Of course nobody wants to have the kids like sleevs,but I think if the kid has not respect on the parents oppinion it is the beginning of war.The influence of the others is too big.
Maybe you can find someone to help like to talk to you and your kid.Like a psychologist???Or a Socialworker??well somebody from her school??without professional help you will have this problems or more everytime.Id you find a educater that can explain your kids why you are upset? why do they have to hear you? About the consequences?Childrens very offen take in some phases of life the parents like the enemies of them,and they become much rebelds.If you still want to try yourself with your father power and knowlegment??it is your own.If you will take some help??maybe could more help in this situations or other.My daughter is 17 y old and with her is pretty hard many times......I pray for you.