playdates at a home where a parent smokes? (game, genius, child)
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I see the this has really gotten turned around. This is exactly why I always hesitate to answer posts that have to do with smoking.
You're absolutely right and we all need to answer the poster's question and to put an end to the endless discussion of "what's worse...cigarette smoke or methane gas?"...
To the Poster:
When your children want to play together, go to your new neighbor and say, "Hello. I just wanted to introduce myself since our daughters have become friends. My daughter is sensitive to cigarette smoke so I am happy to have your daughter come over to our house to play."
Perhaps the mom/dad will say "Oh, we don't smoke in our house...only my mother-in-law smokes and she only comes over on Saturdays and we make her smoke outside". If that's the case, then you don't have anything to worry about. Also, when you are standing in their doorway, you can assess for yourself if the cigarette smoke is strong. If they in fact smoke in the house, then you've opened a door for the girls to be friends AND keep your daughter out of a harmful environment.
If you approach this the right way, it's not any different than if your daughter was allergic to dogs or cats and they had pets. Don't alienate a potential playmate for the sins of her parents, but I still stand by my belief that if you chose to not smoke (most likely for health reasons), there just isn't a good enough reason to put your child in that situation.
Where's the "smoking gun" you are so desperate to show me/us? Here's the post you linked to:
"I just find it interesting that the arguments FOR allowing the little girl to be exposed to cigarette smoke..."
If I were accusing YOU of saying those things, I would have said, "I just find it interesting that YOUR arguments..." I did not. Good try, though, and way to get this totally off track.
Cigarette smoke is harmful as are tons of other environmental factors. You can't control ozone levels but you shouldn't compound it with cigarette smoke. It's like saying "there are pesticides in my food anyway, so why bother washing my apple before I eat it?" Take care of the things you CAN control.
It's not a matter of hurting someone's feelings. It's a matter of assessing risk. There is risk in everything we do . You can minimize risk but you cannot eliminate it.
Frankly, the chances of harm coming to my child because someone runs us off the road is far greater than the chance they will be harmed by minimal amounts of cigarette smoke. Yet, I drive them places every day.
Again, I have no idea why this whole discussion has to be "all or nothing." I am not disagreeing with you that there are thousands of risks we take every day, just as there are thousands of pollutants that we have no control of. As a parent, we both know that you do what you can to minimize the risks. I don't text while driving and I don't talk on my cell phone. I can't control someone else's behavior while driving, but I can be in control of my own car. Using that same logic, my daughters are exposed to high levels of ozone here in Denver in the summer. What can I do about that? But I don't compound that with cigarette smoke. Never did I say that this girl and the poster's daughter shouldn't be friends. I just question why the playdates can't be at her house in order to keep her daughter out of an environment that reeks of cigarette smoke? What if the poster's daughter was allergic to dogs and the new friend's family had dogs? Would you tell the poster to send her daughter to the house knowing she was going to come home with puffy, red, watery eyes and a stuffy nose or would you mention to the parents that her daughter is allergic to dogs and the girls can play at your house? Seems like a no-brainer.
You and I are not in disagreement on this. I AM in disagreement that cigarette smoke is "no big deal". It IS a big deal and something that we parents DO have control of. Take care of the things you can control and keep your fingers crossed for the rest.
But you seem to be very close to a bias against the smoker, not the smoking. That *is* a prejudice. Not a risk assessment. A risk assessment weighs a behavior against a risk. A prejudice weighs a person against personal preference. Opposing the smoker instead of the smoking, if you will.
I feel like that dog on the Far Side cartoon...
"blah, blah, blah...smoking...blah, blah, blah."
I still have no idea why you and I are even at odds about this. I find it interesting that my initial post said absolutely NOTHING about discriminating against this little girl and that in fact, she will just have to have the playdates at her house, and suddenly I am being treated as the poster child for the anti-smoking movement.
And I stand by the very first post I made on this thread, that among other things, said VERY CLEARLY: "Let their daughter come to your house and let them play OUTSIDE at her house. That means you will probably have the girls at your house more often but that is something I think is well worth it."
Am I prejudiced against smokers? Absolutely. However, if those people want to walk around as 50 year olds who look 80 with dried out hair and skin, a hole in their throats and millions of tiny fine lines around their mouths, that is their decision. I appreciate every day that I can go to a restaurant or get on a plane and not worry about someone else blowing cigarette smoke into my area and affecting my health. If they want to ruin their health, it's their decision. They don't have a right to ruin mine.
As for your relatives, I can only say from experience...my father's entire side of the family are chain smokers yet I still have a very close relationship with them because my parents have all the holidays at our house. Everyone has to smoke outside. It's THEIR habit...why would that have to inconvenience us? It hasn't and I can't think of a single holiday or family occassion that we haven't been together. Do they stink when they come in from outside? Sure. Am I sitting on their lap after they come inside? Nope.
I just didn't buy your argument that there are other things to worry about. Of course there are but that's no reason to ignore this. That's like saying, "there are pesticides in all the food we eat so why bother worrying about washing the apple before you eat it?" Parents can and should have control over things they CAN control. There's a lot of stuff that is completely out of our control but sending this little girl to her friends house where people come out smelling like cigarette smoke is not the same as an accidental "methane gas" leak or high levels of ozone.
Are we done yet? I am sure the poster doesn't need a "why smoking is bad" lecture. She isn't a smoker so the message has obviously gotten through. Her question has been answered in triplicate, so I think it's time to move on...
What if the poster's daughter was allergic to dogs and the new friend's family had dogs? Would you tell the poster to send her daughter to the house knowing she was going to come home with puffy, red, watery eyes and a stuffy nose or would you mention to the parents that her daughter is allergic to dogs and the girls can play at your house? Seems like a no-brainer.
Of course that would be a concern. However, i didn't see anything in the OP's post that indicates her daughter is allergic to smoke, or anything for that matter. So naturally, i'm confused as to why you're using this dog allergy analogy when there are no allergies indicated in the child.
You're absolutely right and we all need to answer the poster's question and to put an end to the endless discussion of "what's worse...cigarette smoke or methane gas?"...
To the Poster:
When your children want to play together, go to your new neighbor and say, "Hello. I just wanted to introduce myself since our daughters have become friends. My daughter is sensitive to cigarette smoke so I am happy to have your daughter come over to our house to play."
Perhaps the mom/dad will say "Oh, we don't smoke in our house...only my mother-in-law smokes and she only comes over on Saturdays and we make her smoke outside". If that's the case, then you don't have anything to worry about. Also, when you are standing in their doorway, you can assess for yourself if the cigarette smoke is strong. If they in fact smoke in the house, then you've opened a door for the girls to be friends AND keep your daughter out of a harmful environment.
If you approach this the right way, it's not any different than if your daughter was allergic to dogs or cats and they had pets. Don't alienate a potential playmate for the sins of her parents, but I still stand by my belief that if you chose to not smoke (most likely for health reasons), there just isn't a good enough reason to put your child in that situation.
Thanks for the suggestion... however,we have met,several times.I have been to their home enough times to know that someone is smoking in the house... As I said in my op, I have just never SEEN anyone smoking... it is very obvious as soon as the door opens that someone is smoking,consistently....
I believe that I am going to use the "allergy" route... that way I am hopefully not hurting their feelings.
I wish I could have been growing up now instead of the 60's where every freaking adult smoked, anywhere, anytime, anyplace. It was just awful. Ugh, you know what it was like to get into a car where both parents smoked in the dead of winter??? or a family holiday where all the adults smoked, Oh it just used to make me sick, no wonder i stayed in my room a lot.
When I think of it now, only because times are very different (thank god) but it really was kinda cruel to smoke in a car with children, and Yes, I do let my mother know about that now, LOL
I do agree with the poster, I do not my boys when they were younger to be around smokers, sorry, but I'm the parent so I make the rules....but you can't tell someone not to smoke in their own house. Just ask your daughter if they smoke near her or maybe in another room, even I would be OK with that. Plus remember, just going outside we breathe in all car fumes and God know what else.
Oh, and thanks to my parents and family members both me and my sister have mega allergies and severe nose problems, even after having a deviated septum operated on twice. I blame the smoke.
Oh, and thanks to my parents and family members both me and my sister have mega allergies and severe nose problems, even after having a deviated septum operated on twice. I blame the smoke.
You blame smoke for a deviated septum?
Deviated septums are the restult of birth defects and injuries. Period.
When my eldest started Kindergarten the very first person I met became one of my closest friends. She had 2 kids the same age and sex as mine and we have been friends for nearly 20 years, and she happenes to be a smoker. I wasn't sure what to do about that at first but over time I realized that my kids weren't being exposed to much since they would play in the yard or upstairs in her kids rooms most of the time when they were there. It's one of those issues where the good of lifelong friendships outweighed the bad of smelling a little smoke now and then. My kids were never bothered by it.
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