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It could be that your mom wanted to be the center of attention in her marriage and when the oldest child was born those days were over. There are obviously other problems which could be chemical or hormonal that made the situation worse.
If the older child was you, I am thinking that you need closure. Get yourself into counseling and figure out how to get your mother to attend one session where you may be able to work it out without flinging blame at each other. Once you both have closure, you may be able to have a relationship in the future.
If that is not possible, forget it. Get on with your life and make the rest of it better than the beginning was. I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and she refused to take any responsibility for any of it and went so far as to deny anything I said even though I had physical scars on my body. My therapist told me that there are just some relationships that cannot be saved. After I abandoned her, I breathed a sigh of relief and my life became normal. I have no regrets.
Aylalou: Interesting idea!!! The mom actually had a very strained relationship with he very wealthy, entrepreneur grandmother who favored her other grandchildren when the mom was growing up. It's interesting also because the mom recounts the pain the grandmother caused her by showing favortism to the others, yet totally repeats the painful patter with her own children.
The mom has always affectionately remarks about similiar personality traits her oldest and her grandmother had.. saying they were both oppinionated, strong, and not ones to succumb to peer pressures, very principled, hardworking and independant. Never ones to be victimized, always confident, etc. And although it appears she admired her grandmother's qualities, they actually had a very painful relationship that ended in estrangement shortly after the mom gave birth to her second child.
If that's the case, she's gotta immediately change her attitude toward that firstborn. That firstborn, if not already, will come to resent her greatly, and she won't have a clue as to why. She's got to resolve this now because he also, as an adult, will probably act out in this way with many people and may wonder why he feels close to no one and no one feels close to him. He may shut down. We don't really know how it will manifest itself. If he has perfectionist issues, because of her, it will damage his relationships. These things don't appear until a little later on.
It's just typical parental behavior. Parents always have more expectations from one child than they do the other and, though they claim to always "love you all the same", they do always LIKE one child more than the others. My mother and I were always at odds because she and I are so much alike. It wasn't until later in life that I finally became a little more like my father (more mellow and reserved) and the relationship between my mother and I became better. I learned to pick my battles more and just let her say whatever. Just because she says something doesn't mean I have to pay it any mind. Now my mother has the same type of issues with my younger sister because my younger sister hasn't learned to just let things go yet. All the while my younger (the middle child) brother is the one whom they give everything to and he behaves like he deserves it but has admitted to other family members that he resents me because I "had choices that he didn't". What the hell does that mean?! We were both raised by the same parents with the same rules, went to the same schools and had all the same opportunities but he chose to be a f-ck up in school, hang out with the wrong people, do drugs and gt himself locked up. Nobody took his choices away but himself yet he resents me.
My parents even took me aside when my sister was born and told me that they would be directing their attention more towards my brother because he would need it more now that he was the middle child.
My parents co-signed for his car, got a house under their name for him so that he didn't have to declare it as an asset and pay more child support and have even paid his b ills when he's "come up short". My dad lost his job and couldn't get another one because my brother messed up my dad's credit by getting his car (the one my parents co-signed for) repossesed.
Meantime, I have a bigger house I'm paying for with no help from them, have always had a steady job, am back in school to get my degree, have no children by choice and am debt free other than my mortgage and car payment. I'm grateful that my parents "neglected" me because it made me independent and self reliant. I hate how my brother uses my parents as a bank but also realize that he couldn't do so if my parents didn't allow it.
The older child in your story should take a big girl pill and make efforts to have more of a relationship with her mother. Parents are only here for so long and, in the end, knowing that you did everything possible to have a good relationship with them will help you live guilt free after they're gone.
It also could be that there personalities are too similiar and they just clash. i know opposites tend to get along alot better.
Clash would be quite an understatement here.
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