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Schools have no bullying polices and they also have no fighting policy.
Now some kid(s) bully a victim. The victim does not fight because of the schools no fighting policy. The lack of response to the bully is taken by the bully that what they are doing is OK. The victim becomes depressed. Finally the victim lashes out. But they do not have the subtle skills of the bully and of course they get caught. Now the victim is punished. So the victim now knows that the system is on the side of the bully. The bully knows this too because they were not caught of course and not punished. So the bully resumes the attach with renewed enthusiasm and the victim cringes even more and retreats further into an isolated life of misery.
So what do I tell my kids.
First I ask them how they are going. I talk to them. Then from time to time I specifically ask about bullying. I tell them that they are not to bully anyone and I will punish them if they do. I tell them that if they are bullied that they should tell the teacher straight away and when they get home that we will put it in writing. I also tell them that if they are bullied a second time that they should fight back. Put the bully in his/her place. Right there and then. Not pc but that’s the way I see it. I tell my kids - yes they may get in trouble with the school but that I will support them 100%. I remind them that if they have not reported it and we have not written the letter then they should not fight.
So far so good. Two letters. One fight and one visit to the school to ask why the bullying continued after we reported it and when they said they had no record of the report, I smiled, pulled out my copy of the letter and asked where was the original filed. I had the date & time I handed it in and the name of the person I handed it to. I would not leave until we had tracked it down. All nicely logged in the system and filed. So much for no record….
The counselor told my son he needs to stick up for himself without being a tattle-tale and I asked the asst. principal what is their (schools) definition of my son sticking up for himself, was it to ignore the other student, lower his standards down and return the name calling and threats, or was he to finally use physical assertiveness.
I even thought about having an attorney draft up a letter and have it delivered to the school but that may be overkill at this point. GOSH! if only I could change bodies with my son for one day!!!! LOL
If you have read everything up to this point, thank you for your time, I need help........PLEASE!
As long it's from a point of self-defense, give him the go-ahead to smack that damn kid down.
At the same time, GET THAT LETTER FROM YOUR LAWYER NOW! Hopefully, that'll be all it takes to make the school take it seriously. BUT DO IT! And send it registered, return receipt requested!
I am having a similar problem with my 9 year old son at his new school. He came home in tears the other day and that was the breaking point for me. He had been being called names for months, I had mentioned it to his teacher, but nothing was being done.
This has been a challenge for us going from the Catholic School enviroment where this would not be tolerated. Had a child called anyone a name, they would immediately be sent to the office. In this new school, kids seem to get away with calling names.
I spoke again to the teacher and told him I was not happy with the way the school was dealing with name calling. I spoke to the principal as well and told her I was very confused that the school allowed kids to call names, and they needed to be much more strict.
What made me extremely angry was my son had been in three fights and I wasn't told by the school, my son told me. One of the bully's had tormented my son for weeks, my son couldn't take it anymore, so he decked the kid. Since then the bully hasn't bothered my son. While I don't condone fighting, I was happy my son defended himself.
That said, the school didn't call me to let me know this had even happened! I found out my son was in another fight (started by another bully) and was not told either. The principal didn't seem to think calling parents was necessary!! I told her considering the fact my son started a fight, something should have been done at school to illustrate this behavior will not be tolerated.
totally right, but the upside for my kids is if they get screwed over like that, they aren't going to get in trouble from me. I may let the school think they will, but once we leave and go home I'll be just as upset and be supportive of my boys' human right to defend themselves.
I didn't want to encourage that, but sometimes standing up to the bully tends to scare them off as they aren't expecting that. Bullies tend to be cowards that are trying to make themselves feel better about themselves. If your not easy game they'll go somewhere else.
I used to get picked on in grade school because I was small, too. But when I filled out in my teens and started going to the gym and got in afew people's faces, they tended to back down and life got better, confidence went up, girls seemed to notice me more. Sometimes you only have to "act" upset and ticked off at the bully to scare them off. I once acted like I was gonna kick this guy's butt for just walking into our dorm room all the time without knocking and helping himself to our food. I wasn't really THAT angry, but he bought it and it took that level to get him to stop doing it. Hey, whatever it takes. When my roomate saw me smiling right after that, he knew I'd been acting, laughed and called me crazy. lol
I didn't want to encourage fighting, though, but it is true that that is sometimes what it takes unfortunatly. Whether its physical or just a nose-to-nose shouting match.
I think you have found the answer. Get your kid enrolled in boxing lessons asap and within a couple of months or so, he will be ready to take the bully out. Sorry if that seems violent, but your son is not the one who has started the situation.
Playgrounds are, in a way, like prisons. Take one guy out and you earn a rep as someone who does not take crap. Then people leave you alone.
My son is not even 2 yet. But as soon as he is old enough, he is going to be trained in self defense.
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Tricky situation. You don't want to teach the boy that it's ok to fight but you don't want to teach him that its ok to accept bullying and eventually someone will come to the rescue.
A swift knee to the groin generally makes a bold statement to a tormentor and leaves no evidence of the encounter (like a black eye, bite marks or scratches). "THAT'S MY PURSE!" "I DON'T KNOW YOU!"
Tricky situation. You don't want to teach the boy that it's ok to fight but you don't want to teach him that its ok to accept bullying and eventually someone will come to the rescue.
A swift knee to the groin generally makes a bold statement to a tormentor and leaves no evidence of the encounter (like a black eye, bite marks or scratches). "THAT'S MY PURSE!" "I DON'T KNOW YOU!"
True enough. I guess I should add that with teaching a kid a kid to defend himself, you should also teach him not to start crap.
I will make it very clear to my boy that he is always to try ignoring or laughing BS off. If he must, he can strike back and finish the situation by winning. But should I find out that it was he who was the aggressor, he will have hell to pay to me.
Michael BC, I really feel for you. There's not much worse than watching your kid go through something like this. A father especially feels frustrated 'cause what he wants to do is race over to the kid's house and drag him out by his ears. I had a situation with my son when he was a freshman in high school a couple years ago. There was an older kid, maybe a junior at the time and at least four, five inches taller and maybe thirty to forty pounds heavier than my son who was bullying him to the point of abuse. I'm not as big as you Michael but I'm not small. I have a black belt in karate and competed as a kick boxer when I was younger, and at one point I considered not only dragging this kid out by his ear, but his two older brothers, his father, his mother and anybody else who happened to be in the house at the time. The first problem with this is of course I would have been arrested. The second is it is just too indirect. It has got to come from the kid who's taking the bullying, because what it's really about is the bully and any spectators gaining respect for the kid. Bullying is a test, to see if the kid will stand up for himself, something kids of that age are learning to do for themselves. So...
What I did was have my son tell the kid to come by our house at a specific time. He did and of course showed up with two of his thug friends as back up. When they knocked I answered and I told the kid who'd been picking on my son, "I understand you want to fight my son." He grunted some kind of an agreement. "Great", I said. "He'll meet you at the field in five minutes." They looked surprised, that I wasn't mad, that I was actually all for it, but they nodded and headed up the street. I put my kid in the car and I told him, "I know this is hard for you, but what you've been going through is a lot harder. You may get a bloody lip or a black eye, but it will hurt a lot less than you do right now."
Make a long story short, I put my kid and the bully on the fifty yard line, I pulled myself and his two homies back to about the thirty and I said, "Go 'head, fight. What are you waiting for?" And they did, and it went on for about ten minutes, they both landed some good shots, I guess I'd call it a draw on the field. But then, when it was over, the punk shook my son's hand, looked at me like, 'what is it with a father like this?' and they went on their miserable way... The only point to this of course is sometimes only a direct approach will work. My son not only never got picked on by this kid again, by the time the word got around the school the next day he was a minor celebrity. We all want to rise above things like this. You are an educated guy and so am I. It would be great if the rest of the world was as smart and civilized as you, but it's not and I don't see any evidence of that situation changing in the near future. Your kid has got to get this sh*t up off him and the sooner the better...
Just make sure he does it off school grounds, on a soft surface if possible, and you should be there to jump in and break it up if it looks like somebody is going to get hurt.
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