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I am surprised that the response to the OP is not very sympathetic, and that so many people think 18 is the cut-off age for needing emotional support and help with things like a financial form that clearly relates to mom's financial situation. The OP is obviously a confident young woman who does not require being kicked out of the nest. I think she is asking us"can't I at least expect my mom to call me up, talk to me about complicated stuff like finances and provide me with the paperwork I need to be a successful student and possibly not date guys I was somewhat involved with and throw it in my face?"
I do not think she is asking too much. I think 18 years of parenting is a gift and the reward is a more mature relationship with the child you have raised, not an excuse to act like a petty self involved "frenemy(friend+enemy)". If mom wants a 20 yr old boyfriend can't she find one whose main interest in her is not getting back at a girl for rejecting him.
I do not think this daughter is asking too much. 18 year old girls deserve their moms to still act like moms, and I think mom is subconciuosly sabotaging her daughter by trying to hurt her, so that she will be so upset she will come home. I mean, if she really wants freedom, mom would have the paperwork in the mail so everyone could get on with their lives. The best thing the OP can do is show her mom she will be strong no matter what and wait until her mom realizes the game playing won't work and reaches out to her daughter again.
So sorry you are going through this , stay strong and your mom will regain her sanity sometime!You two need to redefine your relationship, and hopefully you will be a better mother than this when it is your turn.
Alright guys. Can I clear one thing? Jealousy isn't an issue. In fact, I had hoped for her to find someone & my best friend, also 18, helped her set up an online dating profile so she could get back into a dating scene. But as someone else had mention - it's a different kind of bond when it's a single parent & an only child. We were all each other had, so yeah, it was more of a friendship than most parent-child relationships. I am aware it was my choice to move so far away... and I'm not excpecting her to sit around the house missing me. She's done many things including skydiving to gain back her independence of no longer having a child to take care of. You want to call this biased?Go for it. But there is, of course, even more to it. She told me on multiple occasions that she was done whatevering with him. Only for my family to tell me this was in fact false. Is lieing really necessary? We've always had a very open and honest relationship - so this is all new ground for me. And although I'm 18, you'd be surprised how mature I am for my age. I went through a lot as a child due to issues involving her ex-fiance & many many court cases. I'll even go as far to say that following this, I was severly depressed for almost all of my high school years. So you have to understand that there are circumstancial issues that make this even harder. & I guess those are the parenting issues I'm questioning as well. But to stay on the fact of this younger guy thing... really, would you date someone with a 18 year age difference? I know it happens and they say "age doesn't matter," but even if there weren't prior issues between me & this guy, and all of the above information, but he's only 20... doesn't this distrub ANY of you?!
Just because he's younger doesn't mean she's having a mid-life crisis! Maybe they enjoy a lot of the same things, and find each other to be interesting company. Sometimes age just doesn't matter.
Exactly! My grandmother had a boyfriend several years younger than her. I think he was a few years younger then my mom. She was around 64 he was about 41, They were together for 5 years.
You poor darling. How awful for you. I can't imagine going out with someone my child's age but the idea of going out with a friend of my child's makes my skin crawl. I predict your mother will be calling you on the phone weeping, when this whole thing goes South (and you can bet dollars to donuts that it will). I think she's having some kind of crisis where she is not thinking clearly or she would have never bought her boyfriend to a visit with you. I'm assuming she's never been cruel, unthinking and self-centered in your life before??
I feel for you sweetheart. It's a pretty heartless way for a mother to behave. I agree with Crazyma and Capt Dan. Let your school know the issues. Maybe, they can call and get her to send the info you need. You sound like a courageous girl with good sense and a big heart. It sounds like you've had enough painful, depressing episodes in your life but you got through them and you'll get through this too. Be glad you're mom didn't bring home an 18 year old when you were 16 and still living at home and couldn't get away. Sending you mother hugs!
Last edited by laysayfair; 10-17-2008 at 10:12 AM..
Reason: typo
I also think people need to be a little more sympathatic. There are so many things going on here--moving away from mom and her whole known life; mother dating again; mother dating someone daughter's age; and mother dating daughter's ex-date. Usually friends have an unspoken rule that you don't date the other's ex-boyfriend. If they do, they explain it gently to you and explain that the stars alligned. Shouldn't the same happen between mother/daughter? The OP has been blindsided and has every right to be upset!
That said, OP: you need to tell your mom in as even tones as possible that this relationship upsets you because you dated him a couple times and that he is only a couple years older than you, and that you just had to get that off your chest and you won't bring it up again (and then don't). Then tell her that regardless of who she is dating, that this move away from her has been hard and that you miss her and wish you could talk to her more often--just the two of you on the phone. Then, lastly, tell her that you really, really, really need these documents and pretty soon you will have to drop out of college without them.
Unfortunately, you will just have to try to ignore the boyfriend situation. Colleges usually have free or low-cost counselors on campus, you may want to schedule a couple appointments with one just to have someone to talk rationally about this to. Oh, and during the above conversation, I would also mention that if she comes visit you, for now you would like it to be just her, since you are still uncomfortable with him and that you really miss her and would like to have one-on-one time with her the next time she comes to visit (if they want to take a "vacation" together, you could suggest that she comes out a couple days beforehand to visit, then they meet up after the visit to do couple stuff for a few days). Unfortunately, when you go home, you will have to deal with him being around. However, I don't think it is too much to ask to schedule some mother-daughter time together.
I really do appreciate all the advice. Even those I don't exactly agree with - I know how important seeing the situation is from another perspective.... which is why I posted on public forume in the first place.
Just one other misconception... we didn't date. He asked me out, I said no. And I primarily said no becaues I find no interest in guys who flaunt money around as he does. I find it obnoxious and fairly immature.
Just one other misconception... we didn't date. He asked me out, I said no. And I primarily said no becaues I find no interest in guys who flaunt money around as he does. I find it obnoxious and fairly immature.
Then you really need to step back, take a big breath, and ask just WHY you are angry that she's dating him? Part of being an adult is learning to cope with relationships of all sorts. It's none of your business who your mother wants to date. You need to stop harping on that with her, and just get strictly back to mother/daughter stuff because you're not going to change her mind about dating him if that's what she wants to do. Stop being a demanding child and begin being a logical adult.
But to stay on the fact of this younger guy thing... really, would you date someone with a 18 year age difference? I know it happens and they say "age doesn't matter," but even if there weren't prior issues between me & this guy, and all of the above information, but he's only 20... doesn't this distrub ANY of you?!
My boyfriend of five years is 23 years younger than I am. I met him when he was 22. He lives with me and many people including his family, think that we make a terrific couple. Age gap relationships are really not all that rare. My boyfriend just met a man that is 50 and has a Japanese wife that is 15 years his senior. They're been married a long time. Use google to find the several age gap forums in existence. Maybe you should post some threads there for further helpful discussions about your concerns.
Anyway, I feel strongly that the age of your mother's boyfriend should be kept separate from your issues with her not sending you that financial information.
Then you now mention past issues with your mother's ex fiance and court dates, well if you mom has a pattern of having man problems, then well that's the way she is. Don't let her poor track record with men bring you down.
And it was your choice to move 2,000 miles away. In the long run, I feel that you made a good decision. Otherwise, if staying close to her was really what you wanted, then you should have picked a school that was only an hour or two away by car. If money is an issue for either of you, then frequent plane flights to visit each other are going to be difficult, regardless of her having a boyfriend.
Well. This has turned into advice on aspects & topics I hadn't even though of or intended this to be about, but none the less... I appreciate it. I guess I shouldn't have used the extent of circumstancial details from the beginning because really all I wanted to know was how people felt on him being my age as her daughter. See, I never really had a problem with age differences, I'm a very open-minded person. But this "cougar," as they're calling it, thing has always set different with me... before this even began. I guess, everything else aside, I don't understand why you would want to date someone who could be your child? And not just your child in the age difference, but literally, the fact that he's hardly an adult himself. I know age is a number - but doesn't it seem like there is some moral difference when it's someone your child could've gone to school with? Your take?
I know age is a number - but doesn't it seem like there is some moral difference when it's someone your child could've gone to school with? Your take?
Moral difference? Hell no, LMAO. Repeat after me "consenting adults, consenting adults, consenting adults..."
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