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In the same situation with my brother. We were very close growing up but after college I got married and had a family. He became an alcoholic and drug user. I tried over the years to stay in touch, even if just by phone. After he showed up at my house for a dinner party completely sloshed and told everyone at the party everything I had ever done that was embarrassing, I had to cut ties. I just couldn't take it anymore. They only time he seems to call or come by is when he is out of money, lost yet another job, or just got out of jail. It is always drama and "poor me". I am better off and my children certainly are. No regrets...just sadness
My brother had substance abuse problems and he died recently. Stage IV Lung Cancer which had spread to other organs. He must have known for several years--no health insurance so he didn't go to the doctor. It hurts to think that he thought so little of himself that he couldn't tell us.
No one should have to face death alone, feeling absolutely worthless no matter what they have done. My mother's family 'cut us off' and let me tell you it really hurt. No family at Christmas or other get togethers. I suppose that is 'necessary'/self-protective but it isn't pleasant.
My brother had substance abuse problems and he died recently. Stage IV Lung Cancer which had spread to other organs. He must have known for several years--no health insurance so he didn't go to the doctor. It hurts to think that he thought so little of himself that he couldn't tell us.
No one should have to face death alone, feeling absolutely worthless no matter what they have done. My mother's family 'cut us off' and let me tell you it really hurt. No family at Christmas or other get togethers. I suppose that is 'necessary'/self-protective but it isn't pleasant.
see, that's my struggle. i hate leaving them when i know they need me, but..i'm the youngest girl of 9 boys and 4 girls. two of those girls are half sisters, so they weren't really around. it was just me and my sister. there was so much abuse. physical abuse with my father to my siblings and my mother, sexual abuse among the siblings. not to mention all my brothers were drug addicts, alcoholics, and went on to be jerk husbands. some having kids with multiple women and never once having anything to do with those kids, some abused their wives, i don't think any have ever sexually abused their children. i've made it a point to make sure the mothers know what they are dealing with so that they can protect them. my brothers are creeps to the very core.but i do have some memories of them being good to me. this was back before the time when these boys would have been hauled out of their homes and stuck in a facility for doing what they had done to us. they were punished and we all continued to live together like nothing had happened. so a lot of my childhood memories were during that time. when they were good to me, teaching me things, taking me to the park, giving me advice as a teenager, helping me out financially and emotionally through my first marriage. just now that i have a son, i'm terrified to let him be with them. not even because i'm worried about sexual abuse because i would never let him out of my sight. but because i'm afraid he'll somehow inherit some of their evil. i don't want him to even get the impression that they are good people just because they stopped molesting us. or that its okay that they hit their wives from time to time because that's between them. he's not exposed to that with our family, so why would i want to expose that to him now? anyways...my long story, i love my brothers. that's true. i appreciate the goodness that they do have inside of them. but i can't look past the evil that's inside of them too. does that make sense? if they would have just been druggies, i could have probably dealt with that. but this is much worse.
You are right to keep that away from your son. You can love someone and forgive them but choose to not have them in your life. It is being a smart parent. I truly believe that God gave me my children as gifts and it is my job to take care of them. You must do what you know is right. When your son is older you can explain why if he wants to know.
You are right to keep that away from your son. You can love someone and forgive them but choose to not have them in your life. It is being a smart parent. I truly believe that God gave me my children as gifts and it is my job to take care of them. You must do what you know is right. When your son is older you can explain why if he wants to know.
THANK YOU. i just hope on my day of judgment, God will understand why i did what i did. my son is more precious to me than anything in the whole world.
My brother had substance abuse problems and he died recently. Stage IV Lung Cancer which had spread to other organs. He must have known for several years--no health insurance so he didn't go to the doctor. It hurts to think that he thought so little of himself that he couldn't tell us.
No one should have to face death alone, feeling absolutely worthless no matter what they have done. My mother's family 'cut us off' and let me tell you it really hurt. No family at Christmas or other get togethers. I suppose that is 'necessary'/self-protective but it isn't pleasant.
So sorry for your loss. You are right, no one should have to face death alone.
My brother chooses to not be in contact most of the time. He was invited to things for years. Most of the time he didn't show up. It's only when he needs money that he contacts any of us. I have no money to give. I have made that clear to him. It's not that I don't love him, I do. It's not that I don't care what happens to him, I do. It's just that he is verbally abusive to everyone he is around when he is using. It's not healthy for my kids to be around him. He has been arrested 3 times for giving alcohol to young girls. I have a young daughter. I don't know what he would do or say to her if given the chance.
I think the decision to have these people(dysfunctional family members) in or out of our lives is extremely personal. A choice each of us must make on our own. For me, cutting him out of my life was a difficult decision. One that took many years to reach. I hate that it had to come to that. I wish him the best. I would offer my support if he chose to get the help he so desperately needs. But...I have to take care of my own children first and foremost. I can not wrestle his demons for him and enabling him is not the answer.
So sorry for your loss. You are right, no one should have to face death alone.
My brother chooses to not be in contact most of the time. He was invited to things for years. Most of the time he didn't show up. It's only when he needs money that he contacts any of us. I have no money to give. I have made that clear to him. It's not that I don't love him, I do. It's not that I don't care what happens to him, I do. It's just that he is verbally abusive to everyone he is around when he is using. It's not healthy for my kids to be around him. He has been arrested 3 times for giving alcohol to young girls. I have a young daughter. I don't know what he would do or say to her if given the chance.
I think the decision to have these people(dysfunctional family members) in or out of our lives is extremely personal. A choice each of us must make on our own. For me, cutting him out of my life was a difficult decision. One that took many years to reach. I hate that it had to come to that. I wish him the best. I would offer my support if he chose to get the help he so desperately needs. But...I have to take care of my own children first and foremost. I can not wrestle his demons for him and enabling him is not the answer.
You're situation is incredibly complex and I completely understand your decisions.
I wish I knew a good way to deal with the 'loving the sinner/hating the sin' concept.
Sending prayers and thoughts for you and your family.
You're situation is incredibly complex and I completely understand your decisions.
I wish I knew a good way to deal with the 'loving the sinner/hating the sin' concept.
Sending prayers and thoughts for you and your family.
Thank you for the prayers. Always needed and appreciated. I pray every night that my brother will someday find peace in his life. There will never be a day that I don't think about him, hope the best for him, and pray that he will seek help. When and if he ever does, he will be given another chance.
Thank you for the prayers. Always needed and appreciated. I pray every night that my brother will someday find peace in his life. There will never be a day that I don't think about him, hope the best for him, and pray that he will seek help. When and if he ever does, he will be given another chance.
Iowagirl, my heart goes out to you. Just read your first post, not too much time to read them all, but I want to respond and tell my story.
You stated you are religious, so you must respect the bible right? Well, my husband once brought up the scripture about 'tearing off your right arm' if its keeping you "behind". I forget the exact words, but you get the picture. Anyhow, my husband has a dysfunctional family. I'll spare the details.
When we moved to Cali we picked up his mother from the streets (homeless, bipolar, schizophrenic) and cared for her. It tore up our marriage. We almost split up and that's when we decided to get our own place. But we still fully supported her, rent and all. When I was pregnant with my first child it all changed. We couldn't afford it anymore and since she didn't want to work she was evicted. She ended up with us again, closer to my due date. It was awful. I don't even want to write about it. Long story short: the day I brought home my baby my husband put his mother out. Out on the streets. Can you imagine having to do that?????
But he knew what he had to do for our sake, but most importantly for the baby. Do we feel bad about it? Yes. Was it necessary? Yes.
The bible says we reap what we sowe. They are reaping what they sowed. They are burning their bridges. My mother-in-law has five children and they all kicked her out (or wouldn't take her in in the first place). But after we put her out she found a shelter with a psychologist. She was able to be diagnosed and medicated and therefore was forced to accept she was mentally ill and needed help. She was deemed mentally disable and now receives checks from the govt. She has an apt, two hours away, and we keep our contact very minimal and "surface".
I just think that number one: PROTECT YOUR CHILD. Our children can't protect themselves!!! And number two: Allow people to reap what they sowe. If we kept taking care of her she wouldn't have found a therapist or been motivated to get on with her life. If you keep associating with your bros and sis what will motivate them to change? What need would there be? They'd have the best of both worlds! They do what they want and they still get all the love and association in the world, right? No, sooner or later they will have to realize what they are doing and they will have to think past themselves and consider their family. And even if they never will, well it would be even more important to put that distance there, right?
My brother: drugs, alcohol, baby mama problems. He's on house arrest (how he escaped doing jail time this time I don't know) so I call him once or twice a year, that's it. Just to say I love you. But it exhausts me. It is so draining, and I need to be "all there" for my kids, you know.
Honey, you are doing just fine, and you know what - your child will love you for it.
I'm new here. I'm glad to have found this thread on dysfunctional family issues. I have my share of dysfunctional family issues and I'm especially finding it hard to relate to my two other siblings. I think a lot of that also has to do with sibling rivalry. I've tried to communicate that with them, but they didn't seem to get it. One of them outright denied that there was any problem. Hurt people just want to hurt people all the time. They don't want to find out why they are hurting others and they just want to think that everything is ok. I guess that's the way they can stay in control. In so doing, they cannot break off from the vicious cycle of abuse and will continue to cause hurt to people who they are supposed to love.
Family love and comfort are always a treasure to have, but when it's that toxic, it's better to find our happiness elsewhere. I've been deeply hurt by my family dysfunctional issues. I don't say it's easy because it stinks, but I'm slowly trying to find my own identity and live independently instead of being codependent and living for their love and approval. I'm glad my own family of choice is where my heart is now.
My heart goes to all of you who are going through the heartache of being in a dysfunctional family. I look forward to reading and posting more later.
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You are definitely not wrong.
