help with neighbors who blame my kids for everything (parents, boys, playing)
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Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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I have three boys (14, 11, and 9) and we live in a cul de sac with several other families who also have boys. All told there are about 6 other boys (ages 4-10) in addition to mine. There are also two older couples who live in the back of the cul-de-sac who don't have children. My sons are older and don't play with these kids and, to tell you the truth, I discourage them from playing with these kids because I don't want my boys being blamed for something these other boys do. These other boys already use profanity are unsupervised, are basically not being parented. Now my sons sure aren't perfect, but they're really turning out to be good, respectful young men. And I plan to keep it that way.
Lately, though, these couples in the back have been knocking on my door blaming my boys for stuff that's been going on in their yard. Small stuff, but still. For example, they came over one time and said my son had thrown a ball that had damaged a tree branch, implying I should replace the tree Or they claim that one of my sons has walked on the edge of their lawn.
At first, I was apologetic and blaming my boys. But then I realized my kids weren't even home when this stuff was happening. Also, they don't even go back there and could care less about these families. My boys are extremely busy with sports and friends and I've been watching them like a hawk. I have, however, seen several of the other little boys back there. SO I suspect these people might have a point. But the thing that gets me is that I see the neighbors watching these other kids from their windows and they don't do anything about it. They don't tell these kids to go, don't go to their parents (I know b/c I asked the other parents). It's like they feel compelled to come to me and I have no idea why.
Typically, the conversation goes something like this:
Neighbor: the boys have been on my grass
Me: No they haven't
Neighbor: actually, I saw your son on the edge of the grass this morning
Me: You're mistaken, He wasn't even home this morning (he'd been at a sleep over)
Neighbor: still, keep your kids off my grass
How do you deal with people like this? She is constantly at my door complaining about things that my kids didn't do. And she never goes to any of the other parents' doors. All of this started rather quickly when more kids moved in.
Also, these neighbors are getting worse as time goes by so I need to nip this in the bud, but I have no idea how to stop this. Any suggestions? I also can't figure out why they're targeting my kids. We've lived her for years and never had problems with them. Not close to them or anything, but never any animosity. We've never thought about these people one way or another.
"Maybe you should put up a fence." and then shut the door.
Sure, they will think yo'ure a b****, but at least they'll leave you and your kids alone! And besides, who worries about whether someone is stepping on their grass???
Are the other families with kids pinning their misdeeds on your boys and now these neighbors just assume your boys are the instigators? (Especially since you apologized and assumed your boys were in the wrong at first) I ask this because I can't understand why the neighbors aren't complaining to the other parents as well.
If so, I think you might have more luck taking the approach of, yes, my boys were unaware of how much it irritated you that they stepped on their grass and we have changed habits A,B, and C so they don't do that anymore. Here is a basket of muffins with blueberries spelling "We're sorry" that my darling children baked for you. Go pick on some other neighbors now.
Well all you can say is (if you know it for a fact) "My boys weren't even home!" And if they don't accept that just tell them to get off your porch and leave you alone.
But after that I'd have a family meeting and make sure your boys understand COMPLETELY that they are not to go anywhere near that house, no balls thrown into the yard, etc Nothing would be worse than eating that crow. LOL
I wouldn't be rude back to her; it will only escalate in to something even nastier.
Just politely say "I am sorry you feel my boys are on your property. In fact they haven't been home all day, so you must be mistaken. I have talked to them and they know not to go in that area. I think you are putting the blame on the wrong family. You may want to set up a video camera so you can catch who is doing this; I know I would be extremely frustrated if I were in your shoes"
Hopefully this will disarm them enough to back off.
I have three boys (14, 11, and 9) and we live in a cul de sac with several other families who also have boys. All told there are about 6 other boys (ages 4-10) in addition to mine. There are also two older couples who live in the back of the cul-de-sac who don't have children. My sons are older and don't play with these kids and, to tell you the truth, I discourage them from playing with these kids because I don't want my boys being blamed for something these other boys do. These other boys already use profanity are unsupervised, are basically not being parented. Now my sons sure aren't perfect, but they're really turning out to be good, respectful young men. And I plan to keep it that way.
Lately, though, these couples in the back have been knocking on my door blaming my boys for stuff that's been going on in their yard. Small stuff, but still. For example, they came over one time and said my son had thrown a ball that had damaged a tree branch, implying I should replace the tree Or they claim that one of my sons has walked on the edge of their lawn.
At first, I was apologetic and blaming my boys. But then I realized my kids weren't even home when this stuff was happening. Also, they don't even go back there and could care less about these families. My boys are extremely busy with sports and friends and I've been watching them like a hawk. I have, however, seen several of the other little boys back there. SO I suspect these people might have a point. But the thing that gets me is that I see the neighbors watching these other kids from their windows and they don't do anything about it. They don't tell these kids to go, don't go to their parents (I know b/c I asked the other parents). It's like they feel compelled to come to me and I have no idea why.
Typically, the conversation goes something like this:
Neighbor: the boys have been on my grass
Me: No they haven't
Neighbor: actually, I saw your son on the edge of the grass this morning
Me: You're mistaken, He wasn't even home this morning (he'd been at a sleep over)
Neighbor: still, keep your kids off my grass
How do you deal with people like this? She is constantly at my door complaining about things that my kids didn't do. And she never goes to any of the other parents' doors. All of this started rather quickly when more kids moved in.
Also, these neighbors are getting worse as time goes by so I need to nip this in the bud, but I have no idea how to stop this. Any suggestions? I also can't figure out why they're targeting my kids. We've lived her for years and never had problems with them. Not close to them or anything, but never any animosity. We've never thought about these people one way or another.
If I were you... I would say this next time they came to your door...
"Look, I respect the fact that you are irritated with children in our neighborhood, but what I won't tolerate is exaggeration. You are blaming my kids for actions you claimed to see them do when they are not even here. I would REALLY like for you to stop." Don't argue with them because they seem like they are just angry people looking for a fight. Don't engage... that would make their day.
Perhaps they are knocking at your door because they realize that you are a rational person who will provide an explanation. Let me explain, ie. you stated that they came over to your home and corrected them on the fact that it was not your child steppingon their lawn because they were not home and yet, they replied "Still keep your kids off our lawn" They pbviously know that all of these occurances are not your children but you are polite so they feel they can step all over you.
There is nothing wrong with you being polite however often times we need to be assertive in the way we deal with nuisance neighbors, you have the right too defend your children when you are certain they are not in the wrong.
I am angry for you. If ths were me and the neighbor came over again? I would let her/he have it in a nice way. Perhaps something along the lines of, 'Look I realize you are upset with some of the incidents that have occured however you have wrongly accused my children on more than one occassion and with all due respect I am not going to tolerate your badgering any longer. I suggest you camp outside your front yard and observe which child actually did what instead of assuming that it must be my children."The last time I looked my children were not the only children on this street" I kindly suggest that you go and locate the other parents of these children and harrass them" " Approach me without proof again and you and I are going to have a problem, have a great day"
This way the neighbor will know exactly where you stand.
Sorry you are going through this, arggg
If the reasonable approacahes above don't work, perhaps you can encourage them to call the authorities- then when confronted you can explain that you children are being blamed for things that happen when they aren't there. Throw the word harassment around a little bit.
Maybe the police can encourage your neighbors to back off.
I can only be nice ONCE to people like these, and complaints like these don't end with kids. Then they'll start picking on my dog next.
This is how exactly I would respond if approached a second time:
"Ma'am, I truly feel bad that you are having problems with kids on your property, but unless you could show me irrefutable proof that it is my kids you are referring to, you need to stop ringing my bell. Otherwise, my lawyer will be ringing yours!"
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Or they claim that one of my sons has walked on the edge of their lawn.
